Taming Edward
by Lineia
Summary: Independent sequel to 'Domesticating Jacob' - about a decade and a half later; Jacob and Edward are set in their grown-up lives when an unexpected meeting occurs - old feelings will be stirred up, old wounds re-opened; what happens then ? Jake/Edward - Warnings Inside
1. Routine Disruption

**TAMING EDWARD**

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Stephanie Meyer, although the storyline is mine. **I reserve all copy rights.** **  
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**WARNINGS: **This story will contain **ROUGH** and **GRAPHIC GAY SEX**,** BDSM **(**BONDAGE**,** DOMINATION **AND** SADOMASOCHISM**), major **D/s **(**DOMINATION/SUBMISSION**),** VIOLENCE**, elements of **DUBIOUS CONSENT**, bordering on **NON-CONSENSUAL** ! _**PLEASE LEAVE THIS PAGE RIGHT AWAY IF THIS ISN'T YOUR THING !**_**  
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**Foreword**: Well, here we go again ! As most of you will know, this is the **sequel to 'Domesticating Jacob'**, although I will call it an **independent sequel**; in other words you do not need to have read the prequel to understand the story. For those of you who have read the prequel, you might find some inconsistencies (mainly you'll find that some characters have disappeared, some have mysteriously turned gay, some have appeared, and some will be quite different). This story happens roughly **sixteen years after 'Domesticating Jacob'**.

I know some of you will be very disappointed by this announcement, so I am very sorry to say that** there will not necessarily be an update schedule** for this story. I will **try to post once a week**, but I can't promise anything. I am starting my final year in University, which will take a lot of my time. I will do the best I can, that's all I can promise. To avoid having to stress and rush this story, I will therefore not always tell you when the following chapter is coming up. Again, I will try for one chapter between each Monday to Sunday, but **no promises**. I'll let you know in Author's Notes or on my Facebook page how things are going, that's the best I can do. As a general rule, I'll only announce the update date if I have the chapter in my hands, ready to be posted.

For updates, teasers, spoilers, questions and answers, feel free to **add my Facebook account** ('**Pen-Name Lineia**')! As usual, I'll be eagerly awaiting reviews and comments ! Critics are very welcome as long as it's argued and constructive ! Let me also take a second to thank my **formidable beta, Angel**. She finally allowed me to thank her publicly, so thank you to my favourite English teacher !

Enjoy,

_Lineia  
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**1. Routine Disruption**

A worn-out, old-looking man was scowling at me in the mirror. There were a couple stray white hairs at his temples, sprinkling the jet black hair with specks of silver. The bags under his eyes seemed set in stone, as though they had slowly solidified after countless sleepless nights. A rebel wrinkle was fighting its way onto the brow, but the worst was the scowl.

I tried smiling, but the man simply grimaced in the mirror. The scowl too, must have solidified….

A few days' worth of stubble was staining the jaw, and I deftly set to spread the gel mousse all over my face. Years of experience allowed me to quickly shave the very short spiky hair that had started to grow. Soon I was looking at the man again, who seemed to have gotten a couple years younger. Now he looked thirty-six again.

Thirty-six… at thirty-four, I had still considered myself young with a long, colourful future ahead of me. Life seemed considerably riper on this side of thirty-five… not that I considered myself old; but aging did put certain things into perspective.

More than 'certain things' actually, it put my whole life under scrutiny, as though someone had taken out a brightly lit microscope and had decided to examine the darkest corners of it. Ironically, the observation got excruciating detailed when it came to the moments that made me wish I could suffer some sort of selective long-term memory loss.

"Hon, your breakfast is ready!" The voice shouted from the kitchen.

Speak of the devil… mistake number one, allowing my partner to prepare breakfast and pretending to like it. I now had to force down runny porridge every morning because I was too much of a coward to tell the truth as it was; even if I had a dog I wouldn't dream of trying to feed him that.

I sighed. Actually, mistake number one was probably to marry my partner… stinging memories of infidelity plagued me and marred our marriage. I still couldn't believe that I had been cuckold and that we both were acting as though nothing had ever happened.

I braced my hands on the sink and stared at my reflection, letting the scowl deepen. My brow was so often wrinkled in worry, stress or irritation that I would get shrivelled up well before my time….

"Jake, love, you're going to be late!" Came the second call.

I rolled my eyes, 'love,' really? Who were we kidding? There wasn't a single trace of love any longer. I sometimes wondered if there had actually been any at first, but I always came to the same conclusion; yes, we had been in love. My eyes travelled down the length of my arm, first stopping at the golden chain at my wrist before carrying on to the golden ring at my finger.

Two tokens of love, not belonging there any longer. I was filled with the now usual desire to fling the ring into the mirror, before remembering why it was still there.

I took a steadying breath. We were trying to work things out. We were trying to work on the marriage. My partner was doing the best possible to make me happy, probably to atone for past mistakes.

I shook my head, if only my other half was aware that I knew about the indiscretion. There would probably be a lot of grovelling, a lot of arguing, and a lot of sour thinking. Not that we needed such revelations to produce sparks; grovelling, arguing and sour thinking were our near-daily tribute. But, no, I had kept the knowledge of her infidelity to myself, not caring enough to even argue that point. The unfaithfulness had not affected me in the least which was the only thing that did trouble me; my apathetic response to anything relating to my wife and my life.

It wasn't as though leaving the house to go to work was a blessing either. CEO of Black's Energies wasn't exactly as relaxing as a stroll through the park. It really wasn't what I had imagined for myself as a teenager, and if I were completely honest, it wasn't what I imagined for myself in ten years' time either.

Well, if I did face the truth, I had to admit this wasn't the life I wanted. None of it was, neither the unsuccessful marriage, nor the responsibilities at work, not even the heaps of cash stored in my different bank accounts.

Money, success and a wife was what society expected anyone would want. So that's what I got for myself, thinking that, at least if I weren't happy, no one would suspect I wasn't. And more importantly, no one would suspect what I really wanted for myself. To continue on the streak of honesty though, I wasn't even sure what I wanted for myself any longer.

There had been a time when I thought I had found myself and what really made me happy, but fifteen years of this bore of a life had changed all that.

How to be happy when you didn't know what _did_ make you happy? Well, I guess that was the question….

"Jake, coffee's getting cold!" The voice was becoming insistent.

I groaned and grumbled, "Coming!" Coffee... I wouldn't say that was another one of my mistakes. Well, maybe it was, I don't know, all I _do_ know is that I felt like I had done all I could. The truth was that I hated coffee. Still, every morning there would be a steaming cup next to the watery porridge standing alone on the black mahogany dinner table. After a few months trying to get my wife to understand that coffee was not for me, I gave up. The cup would be there every morning either way. So now I sipped a little of the scalding beverage; which did have the advantage of burning my taste buds, rendering the porridge absolutely tasteless. Or maybe it was the horribly bitter taste that swamped everything else...

I left the designer bathroom, striding past the designer bedroom and designer living room, before reaching the designer kitchen. Now that I thought about it, the whole house was more like a giant hotel than an actual home. Everything was made of fine wood, polished marble or trendy steel. Any sign of people's lives was promptly erased. Broken-in and comfy couches or armchairs were replaced in the snap of a finger with the most elegant and uncomfortable ones. Stains were bleached away and pictures were considered stains. The bathroom frequently _smelled_ of bleach, if it wasn't one of my dear wife's expensive perfumes.

I ploughed through my breakfast, as my wife babbled on sitting in the chair opposite mine. A couple hummings generally kept her convinced that there was nothing more important than listening to her droning on insistently with whatever it was she was talking about. Actually, it had been quite a while since I actually listened to what she was speaking about... probably some furniture that needed replacing, her latest find to use up all of my savings or a new subtle way to convince me to have children. I had to suppress a shiver; if there was anything I was going to fight to the death for, it was that I would never _ever_ have children with her.

I put my spoon down, unable to shovel any more of the gruelly substance down my throat, and took a good look at my wife. She didn't work, stating that we had more than enough to live with – not that I could argue with that. She divided her time between spending money with her posh friends, keeping the house in what was to her the ideal state, and trying to convince me to have children.

To be fair, she _tried_ to take good care of me; the porridge and the coffee were good examples of this. I believe she genuinely thought that we were happy, or more accurately that we were making each other happy.

It sure didn't take much to keep her happy, however: unlimited amount of funds, a good fuck once in a while, and not having to work. Well, she'd be over the moon if I agreed to stop wearing condoms, but there was no way in hell that was going to happen; before I knew it she'd be pregnant and I'd cave in at her pleas to keep the baby.

Having a husband with submissive tendencies certainly had its perks... I shook my head imperceptibly before muttering that I needed to take off.

I made my way to the car and drove towards the office. I was being told endlessly that I needed a driver, but I liked the tiny bit of freedom I had left... most of the time I only felt relatively free when I was in my car. Everyone also told me that I should change it, it wasn't brand new, it wasn't expensive, it didn't have an onboard GPS system; but it was my car, it was comfortable, and I liked it.

I wasn't too sure where all these thoughts were coming from, but I did know that it wasn't the first time. Everyone has a certain vision of themselves, of their future. I couldn't see myself living this life, being stuck in a loveless marriage; but I didn't know how to change it. It was as though I was waiting for the sky to drop a happy future into my lap.

Why did I stay with a cheating wife? Sure enough, I was pretty certain she had only once been with another man, and I also believed she was trying to make up for it by pushing for children and trying her best to take care of her beloved husband, who was the one bringing lard to the table every day.

I guess I just didn't have the will to change anything. I didn't know when I lost the will to fight for my own happiness, but lose it I did. Sure, Dad's death had been a hard blow, but that couldn't be it, could it? Then again, he was one of the very few who know that I was bisexual. He had also been the only one I could still talk to about that, and now there wasn't anyone any longer. I shook my head, when did I become so… so defeatist?

I mulled over the same thoughts until I reached the parking lot, and stationed my car at my reserved spot. I killed the engine and sat back, taking a deep breath.

I was scheduled to meet an important client, and I had to clear my thoughts before I went in there. I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples firmly, hoping to ward off the headache I could feel forming.

I let out a long steadying breath before opening my eyes and glancing at my watch.

8:35 – the client was arriving at half past nine, so I had some time to review the case.

I exited the car, locked it, and strode towards the elevator which took me directly to the whole level of the building reserved for me. Leah, my personal assistant, had an office next to my gigantic one. There was also the very fancy conference room and a personal space where I could relax, the place where I liked to have lunch in peace and quiet.

I shot a glance through the open door to Leah's office to make sure she knew I was in before going to my desk and sitting down heavily. A large pile of paper required my attention but would have to wait until later. I had to start with the potential client, whose thick file was sitting right in front of me, looking excruciatingly boring.

With an annoyed sigh, I picked it up and started skimming over it. I was going to meet the founder of some lab called NeuroAction Labs – later abbreviated NA Labs. I had never heard of the firm, but Leah had done her work well, and there were pages and pages about it. I didn't bother with the report though, going straight to the reason for the meeting. The guy, whose name wasn't even mentioned, claimed to have produced a drug to help autistic children. Well, I knew there was another thick file on my desk entirely about that CEO, but to be frank I didn't give a damn. Up until now I had always gone with the flow and my gut for business transactions, and it had always worked out, no need to change a winning strategy. In any case, I already knew what I needed to know, all the data about the drug was safe in my brain.

I frowned. Since I spent most of my Sundays volunteering at an Orphanage, children were a very sensitive subject for me. The guy better be very serious and have some very good proof to back his claims, because there was no way I was going to back his drug if there was the slightest risk.

I threw the file down, annoyed. Leah knew better than to set up meetings with complete strangers, strangers that made some wild claims about drugs for children on top of it! I stood up abruptly and made my way to the personal room, where I proceeded to brew some much-needed tea. I added a finger of rum before sipping the hot drink in my favourite comfy chair. It was old and ugly, but I loved it… I took hold of the remote and turned the stereo on, putting on U2's _The City of Blinding Light_ and letting the music stream out. I turned the volume down a bit before sitting back.

I felt myself calm slowly. Lately I was a permanent bundle of nerves, but I didn't know how to change that. Well, I suppose I could turn my whole life around, but short of that the options were limited. For the first time in a very long time, I made an effort to think up something that would truly make me happy.

Soon, I had to admit that I didn't have a clue what that could be. I was tethering on the edge of depression, and the only thing that kept me going was burying myself in work and a steadying routine. Keeping busy generally sufficed to avoid a wandering mind, but as time went by, it became harder and harder to prevent it altogether.

I chuckled, maybe I was going through the infamous forty-year old male crisis? I shook my head; I had never done anything like all other men, no matter how badly I wanted to, there was no reason to think I would start now. I stayed there for a while, head lolling, enjoying the stereo which was set on shuffle, digging up stuff I hadn't listened to in ages.

A glance at the clock told me that it was time to turn the music off, put my cup aside and leave the comfortable armchair to face the stranger. Something irked me; I wasn't convinced the client was worthy of coming here. After all, I was at the head of the largest health firm in United Kingdom; we owned most private clinics, many public hospitals, and most drug companies used us to distribute their products.

Funny how Dad had meant to discover a revolutionary carburant, hence naming his company Black's Energies, but ended up in the health business. Not that I really cared… he had put me in charge when he got too old to run the company, without giving me much of a choice, probably thinking I would be delighted to become famous _and_ rich.

He probably wouldn't be happy to see what I made of his company, though. I had donated a large part of the profits to different hospital and charities. Lucky I owned 80 per cent of the company, or I would have been out on my ear. Still, after making sure the profits went somewhere other than my bank account, I played the good boy and did my best getting the company to thrive; after all, the more profits the more money went to charity.

Sometimes I wondered why I bothered with the company at all; I had enough money to be able to retire and I could place a responsible CEO and avoid having to deal with all of this. I hated this work, after all. Still, it was almost the only thing left of my father, and I needed something to do or I'd go crazy at home with Bella. Again, I needed it for the image too. I didn't want anyone starting to ask questions or getting suspicious.

I got to the conference room and barged in, lost in thoughts. Usually I let Leah guide my clients in there and have them wait for me. Not only could I afford to make them wait, but I found they were easier to manipulate when they were either irritated or anxious. They say that everything is fair in love and war, well I'd say everything was fair too when it came to closing a deal.

I had picked up the file on my way to the conference room, but when I saw who was sitting there, looking utterly relaxed, I dropped it and stumbled to avoid walking all over the spreading papers. I mumbled an apology before going down to one knee and scooping all the papers up. My heart was hammering, and I could feel sweat on my hands. I stood back up as quickly as possible and collected my cool.

The man hadn't moved one iota. His face was a mask void of emotions, but his eyes were boring down on me, making me feel as though I was being X-rayed. I swallowed once, that particular man had always had the uncanny ability to make me lose my footing.

"Edward." I croaked, my throat having gone dry.

"Actually," the voice was as I remember it, exactly the same, although now it had a slight sneer to it, "it's 'Dr. Cullen' to you, Black."

The unveiled insult made me swell. "It's 'Mr. Black' to you, or 'sir'. I suggest you remember that in case you want a chance at selling me your new miraculous drug." If I had been hoping for a reaction, I was disappointed, his face stayed emotionless.

"Very well, _Mr. Black_," he answered after a beat, somehow managing to make the presence of the title more insulting than the lack thereof.

I turned my back to him, bristling. That particular man had always had his way with me, but I couldn't allow that to happen when I needed my wits about me to close the deal. NA had refused to give us samples for testing, arguing it was their property until they found a buyer, so I hadn't been able to put my best experts to work. The board had been quite insistent about this meeting though, and were eager for me to buy the drug at a fraction of the price NA was selling. They kept repeating that it was a revolutionary drug that could win us billions; the only proof was the meagre evidence provided by NA.

I made my way to the bar. "Can I get you anything to drink?" I offered politely, steeling myself for what I knew would be a difficult negotiation.

"I'd prefer it if we could get to the point." Although the formulation was polite, his tone made it an order. I gripped the bar until my knuckles whitened; my heart had started beating at a frenzied rhythm again; what the hell was happening to me?

"Sure." I answered as soon as I regained countenance, before wheeling around to sit myself opposite the doctor. "So," I added, "what can you tell me about this drug of yours?"

His eyebrows rose a fraction, "You already know frontwards and backwards everything my lab has sent you, and you also know I don't have anything else to give you. As I've repeated to your experts countless times, _in vivo_ studies are close to impossible. Since we don't really know what the cause of autism is, we can't engineer autistic mice like any other disorders. You also know very well that my lab doesn't have the means to buy those few mice that have developed the symptoms by chance. I'm here because there aren't many in this country who have the means at your disposal, and because your PA was kind enough to arrange a meeting with you. Now if you don't mind, I would like you to tell me exactly why I am here."

We stared at each other for a few seconds. I remembered he was intelligent, but I didn't remember he was _this_ quick-minded. Finally, I gave up trying to hide the true reason for the meeting, "We are interested in buying your drug, but the price you ask is much too high. No lab has ever obtained this much for their first drug, particularly one as mysterious as this one. I can offer you half the price."

Edward squinted at me, but didn't say anything for a few seconds, and I hoped to God he was seriously considering my offer. My executive deputy CEOs would be furious if this deal failed, they were convinced it was the opportunity of the century. I wasn't quite as thrilled, but if NA sold us the drug at half price; the investment would be quite ridiculously low compared to our funds. So even if the drug turned out useless, we wouldn't have lost much. In addition, I knew Edward; he had a model work ethic, and if he said that the drug worked, than I knew he believed it. The only problem was; he could very well be wrong. Still, even sixteen years without seeing Edward, I couldn't help but trust him. I couldn't believe that he would try to sell me a bogus compound or try to get it on the market if there were any risks.

"No. I know this compound works, and I'm not about to let it go for half its worth." He interrupted my train of thoughts. It was true that if his drug really worked, than the price he was asking wasn't far-fetched. Nevertheless, the risk involved had to be taken into account.

"You know very well that you'll have a very hard time finding anyone else willing to buy, my company controls over 60 per cent of the market."

"Look, Black, I won't be bullied into selling this half-price as though you were out shopping during sales."

The lack of title was obviously aiming to insult, and I couldn't stop myself from snapping. "Don't forget who _dominates_ here! You don't exactly have a choice, you're going to have to _submit_ if you want me to buy it!" I emphasized those two key words, knowing fully well how he would take it. I couldn't bring myself to care, though. Either he sold me his f-ing drug, or he didn't, I was ready to bet my whole company that he would never find anyone else to buy it.

He stood up abruptly, "I think this concludes negotiations." He said coldly, before striding out.

* * *

I was still bristling from the meeting when I got home that night. _Of course_, the deputy CEO in charge of business and the one in charge of R&D bore down on me before the day was over and told me in no uncertain words that I had made a real mistake. Leah spent the day making me understand by scowls and glares that she too, thought I had insulted God.

I had to remind them all who the boss was, and even that didn't calm them. All three knew very well that they were quite invaluable to me... damn them. I was quite certain that the board would also find a way to track me down. Not that I really cared, the board owned a pitiful 20 per cent in the interests of the company, and had absolutely no power over me. Still, they would growl without biting, which could be really annoying. Better a happy board, but I would be damned if they thought I would run to NA tail tucked between my legs to apologize. I knew very well that Edward wouldn't accept anything less.

So it was in a dark mood that I let myself in the large house I owned in Chelsea.

Bella was quite oblivious. She announced happily that she had ordered Chinese for dinner, and I groaned inwardly, wondering why I hadn't chosen to marry a cook. Take out was nice once in a while, but every night was really too much. My dear wife didn't mind preparing something for me to eat, but she seemed very reluctant to consume her own cooking. One really had to wonder if she just didn't care about feeding me her poisonous food, or if she didn't realize she was giving me something to eat she would never eat herself...

She moved in to kiss me, but as more often than not I pretended to be very absorbed in the lengthy task of taking my shoes off.

Trying to conceal her embarrassment, she said offhandedly, "Jake, you know, Alice was telling me how much she loved being a mother. She said that Jasper had been reluctant at first but that he was really happy now with having children..."

I rolled my eyes. We were in for yet another argument about children, and I could predict that within five minutes one of us would be yelling. "Oh." I said, hoping to avoid the inevitable.

"Don't you want a sweet little girl, hon? Or a boy! You two could play soccer in the back yard!" She exclaimed as though she had just thought about it and never used this argument before.

I very nearly snorted. Soccer really wasn't my thing... I used to play football in college, I'd been quite a good swimmer and waterpolo player, but obviously my dear wife never went to the trouble of remembering that. I hummed noncommittally.

"Jake, I don't understand, why don't you want children?" Her tone suggested the yelling was not far off.

I straightened up, thinking I couldn't pretend to use that much time taking my shoes off, before striding towards the kitchen, hoping for a cold beer. I wanted to argue that I had answered that very question about once a week of late, but it was quite pointless. Actually, this whole thing was quite pointless.

Really, I couldn't help but feel like this whole life was pointless. I clenched my jaw, and found myself wishing for the second time that I knew what the hell could give my life some sense.

Luckily, the argument that broke out that night was enough to distract me from my dark thoughts.


	2. The Rainbow Room

**2. The Rainbow Room**

_The reporter was bravely yelling over the whistling sounds and loud music, "We're on Regent Street where the London Gay Pride Parade is taking place like every year. The atmosphere is friendly and relaxed as the different groups file down the street towards Trafalgar Square and Whitehall." _

_The broadcast went to split screen; the reporter on one side and the BBC newsroom on the other. "Marcus, can you tell us how many people attended this year?"_

_The reporter pressed a hand to his ear, trying to block out the sounds and hear the question. He nodded once before turning towards the camera__,__ "Organizers tell us half a million people came to watch the parade, John! People are spread out around the long route that the parade is taking, but some places are so crowded that the whole of Oxford Street is blocked!"_

"_And are there any other events planned?" John asked, from the BBC quarters._

"_Boris Johnson, the Mayor, is hosting a gala later tonight for the occasion. He has been repeating lately that London has a very large homosexual community, and is known to be pro-gay. I am told there is a picnic tomorrow in Vauxhall." A bus slowly drove past the reporter, its large speakers flooding the street with typical club music, and everyone around started clapping their hands with the rhythm._

I was watching the news wistfully. Bella was sitting next to me, chatting loudly over the TV; she had never been one to endorse homosexuality or gay rights. If things had been different, I could have been there either watching enthusiastically from the crowd, letting the atmosphere take over; or parading with one of the groups, maybe with a random boyfriend... I sighed lowly.

It was strange how, despite being bisexual, I wished for a boyfriend. I thought snidely that marrying Isabella Swan was enough to make anyone gay; that was probably it. But I was being unfair... I knew that at some time I had loved her; I must have, or I would never have gone down on one knee! What happened to us? Was it simply the cheating or was it something else? I couldn't help but feel we were wrong for each other... I sighed again lowly, there was no point torturing myself with those questions, there wasn't anything I was ready to do to change how things were.

The screen returned to the BBC newsroom, and my wife thankfully shut up. Some part of me wished they would have let us see more of the Pride...

"_And now for the breaking news," John exclaimed with gusto. "As previously reported, a company called NeuroAction has produced a new drug to help autistic children. The lab and its leader, Doctor Edward Cullen, have been desperate to find a buyer. It would seem that the drug hasn't passed many tests, which, according to our sources, is why Black's Energies have so far refused any deal. The firm and its young CEO, Jacob Black known for his philanthropic work, have refused to make any comments._

"_It would seem that Doctor Cullen has been able to find someone else however! A new firm specializing in drug testing and marketing led by the driven owner James Loyd is rumoured to have taken on the drug! Sources tell us it should help autistic children with their legendary shyness, as well as preventing fits of anger at a younger age. Doctor Cullen's group has invented a new way to identify molecules responsible for disorders. There is already speculation about a Nobel Prize as this could be a revolutionary finding. Doctor Cullen published a paper a few months back in the revered scientific journal __Science__, which is well on its way to become one of the most cited articles this year! I'm sure parents all over the world are going to follow the progression of this new drug with a lot of interest."_

_The BBC symbol flashed on the screen, before the reporter reappeared, "On to the devastating news about a bombing in –"_

Bella turned the TV off, as she always did when it came to bloodshed. I often wondered if she hoped to pretend suicide bombings weren't a real possibility in London, despite the 2005 attack.

I was stunned at the news we had just heard. Almost three weeks had gone by since the meeting with Edward, and my executive committee had been mollified when they saw the doctor was unable to find anyone interested in his new compound. They had been quite certain he would come back, tail tucked between his legs, to secure a deal on our terms. Of course, I knew Edward enough to be sure that was definitely not going to happen, but I hadn't seen the benefit of telling anyone – if only because I really did not want anyone to ask how I knew him. I groaned; the deputy CEOs would be all over this...

Sure enough, despite being a Saturday at mid-day, my phone started vibrating on the low table. I sighed deeply, and Bella, probably seeing the caller ID, made a quick exit.

"Jacob Black." I answered as I picked up.

"_Hello, Jacob_," came Aro's honeying voice. _"I assume you saw the news?"_

"Yes. I'm going to NA as we speak." I had made up my mind. Edward would probably not even talk to anyone else, if he even was in on a Saturday.

"_Don't you think it would be a mistake to go in person?"_

Aro was a good negotiator, and in a normal situation I would agree, but this wasn't just anyone we were dealing with... "No, I don't. I'll keep you posted."

"_Very well, I will inform the others. Good luck."_ He hung up and I threw the phone to the side.

I wasn't sure how I felt about having to go back to Edward...

"Bells, I'm going out, work is calling!" I told her.

"Sure, I'm making lasagne tonight! Call so I know when you'll be back!" Came her answer.

I groaned. Bella's lasagne should be registered as a deadly weapon for potential death by heart failure. The dish was so rich it was quite inedible. If I had the choice, I would pick an awkward dinner out with Edward's icy attitude rather than having to plough my way through a plate of that thing. The real problem however was that Bella liked that one dish, the only one she cooked; so obviously she assumed everyone else liked it. I really had to wonder if all those friends of her pretended to love it too or if they _actually_ liked it.

Still, my wife was so proud of that one thing she could cook that I didn't have the heart to tell her how disgusting it was. Who could mess up lasagne anyway? Even those pre-prepared versions you could buy were not that bad! White sauce, pasta and Bolognese, was it really _that_ hard to cook an eatable lasagne? Not that I had ever tried… it would probably end up just as horrible if I did try. I had never needed to cook, so I had never really bothered to learn. A mistake I was dearly paying for now that I was dependent on Bella's food.

And tomorrow was our wedding anniversary. Like every single year, we'd go to a fancy restaurant, before going to fuck in a fancy hotel. Jesus, when did my life become this litany of routines? Not that I minded the occasional exciting night with my wife, but the whole anniversary seemed such a staged act of lies now that I knew all about her indiscretions….

I shook myself out of these depressing questions and took off. NA labs were in a single rather small building in South Kensington, near the Imperial College Campus. Edward probably wanting to stay near a university he liked… I couldn't help but wonder how he managed to make such discoveries in a tiny lab with very limited funds… I mean fuck, my own R&D spanned a whole campus near the NHS centre at St Mary's Hospital, with all the latest fancy toys – and they were hard pressed to publish anything!

My phone stayed silent all the way; Aro had probably told all the others that I was handling the mess. Now I was going to have to outbid that stupid ass James for a risky investment. Damn it all to hell!

I parked as near as possible to the labs and charged into the building. It had been a really long time since I had done any field work… it felt weird to be trampling around London to fix a moronic mistake. I huffed; betting Edward would want me to get down on my knees and beg or something like that… Jesus, I couldn't wait for this to be over. Or did I? When it was over, I'd just go back to my dull everyday life. Maybe I should try to enjoy the unexpected twist.

An elegant blond was sitting in the entrance. "Hello, I'm here to see Edward," I said before she could open her mouth, slightly forgetting that I wasn't in my own building where everyone obeyed my every command.

"You don't have an appointment, Mr Black." She answered curtly, a slight scowl on her face.

I decided my name might be enough to open doors, even here. "If you know who I am, you know I don't have any time to waste. Obviously Edward is here, or you would have told me so right away. Now get on the Goddamn phone and tell him we need to talk."

Her scowl deepened, "Doctor Cullen is actually _not_ here. You'll have to make an appointment with him, I'm afraid he doesn't have a secretary."

I was about to raise my voice when Edward's cold voice came from behind me. "It's fine, Rose, I just got here. Follow me then, _Black_, since you don't have any time to waste." The sneer was evident in his voice. I wheeled around to see Ed standing in the doorway, shirt opened halfway up, carrying a very large rainbow flag over his shoulder. I opened my mouth, but no sound came out.

He strode past me, and I followed without a look back at the annoying blond. Edward led us at full speed towards the door behind Rose, flashed an ID card, and pressed it to a reader to the side which beeped. He pushed the door opened and hurried forward without holding the door or checking that I was following. He strode down a corridor, before taking a right and prying those heavy emergency doors opened, revealing a staircase. I followed, slightly breathless already, as he all but jumped up the stairs, swallowing them two by two.

Two floors up, he wheeled out of the staircase, still without a backward glance. I reached the doors, wheezing slightly, and had to open the heavy doors too as they closed on my face. I barely caught a glimpse of Ed entering the office at the end of a short corridor. I joined him as quickly as possible, only to freeze as I entered the room.

It was obviously Edward's office, large without wasting space. The wall opposite the entrance door was made of glass and gave a nice view of the park that faced the building. It was the wall behind the desk that stunned me though, as it had been painted to resemble the gay rainbow flag. I blinked several times, before my eyes travelled down to Edward, who had put his flag aside and sat down behind the desk.

"You'll have to excuse my dishevelled look, just back from the Pride." An image of me holding hands with a faceless boyfriend crossed my mind, proudly walking down Regent Street. "Sit." He added and I obliged. Edward seemed to notice I was short of breath, and he pursed his lips – I made a mental note to take up jogging.

I was still too busy taking in the whole situation to talk. Edward was turning his laptop on, seemingly quite content to ignore me. When I regained the faculty to speak, I asked in a slightly high-pitched voice, "Did you have fun?"

"Wonderful, not that it's any of your business. There's really something to claim you're gay and proud once a year." His tone was slightly less frosty.

"Yeah…" I muttered. "I wish I could have been there." I added as an after-though, before going rigid; this was the first time in about a decade that I made any voiced comment about my bisexuality. I kicked myself; this was exactly the kind of action that would lead to the headline "JACOB BLACK GAY" in one of those trashy papers.

Edward didn't notice my discomfort, he was still busy with his computer; he chuckled, "Next year maybe." I relaxed, reminded that Edward was one of the few who knew about me. It was strangely calming to be sitting in a rainbow-decorated office with a gay man who already knew about my secret; and above all who didn't give a damn or judge.

After a short minute during which I simply let myself enjoy being somewhere I could be myself, Edward turned to me, the genteel smile fading. I was reminded that I was a CEO of a large corporation and here on business. I kicked myself a second time, realizing that I had been submitting to Edward's dominant demeanour. There was no place in the business world where submitting would get me a deal and that was particularly true in Edward's office. He'd use my weakness against me in a heartbeat; I needed to be strong and confident for the impending negotiations if I wanted to turn this failure into a success.

I slipped back in the role of the CEO, "I'm here to talk about those ridiculous rumours." I said forcefully, hoping to make up my moment of weakness by being slightly over-aggressive.

Edward's eyebrows rose a fraction before he schooled his feature into a passive mask. "Assuming you're talking about my finding a buyer, I'm going to have to correct you, they are not rumours."

I scowled; it would have made everything so much easier… I went with the back-up plan, "Fine, I'll overbid James."

There was a few seconds of silence before Edward – still expressionless – replied, "Not interested."

I had to make a real effort not to roll my eyes. "You're being ridiculous. You know my facilities are ten times better, I can get you access to a wider part of the market. And to top it all, I'm offering more than James! What do you have to lose?"

"I'm not stupid, Black. I know very well what your offer entails. Like I said, I'm not interested." He turned his head back to the laptop. I had to admit that a small part of me knew the confrontation would go down like this…

"So what, you're expecting me to get on my knees, kiss your boots, apologize for my damn joke and beg, is that it?" I snapped.

He wasn't able to prevent the smirk from showing, "You could undoubtedly try, but I'm not going to change my mind."

I let my frustration show with a deep sigh, "I'm sorry for my idiotic rant at you, alright?" I tried for an apologetic tone, but it wasn't overly convincing.

His eyes bore down on me, and with an icy glare he said, "I always admired your father because he didn't act like he was on top of the world, even though he was arguably one of the most powerful men in the UK. I used to think he had done a good job with you, deep down at least. I might not have been overly polite at our last meeting, but if I were you, I would be ashamed. Now get out." His voice was dripping with venom.

I wasn't able to react at first. There was too much truth in his words to deny them. I had grown comfortable with my role as a powerful CEO, and I truly believed that if Dad were alive, he wouldn't be impressed. I couldn't help the fleeting thought that if I hadn't spent ten years with a wife who acted as though she was about to be coronated Queen, I might have turned out better. However, I knew putting the blame on her shoulders was cowardly, I had to take my part of responsibility in it.

"Ed, look; I know I was a dick. But like you said, you weren't exactly nice either! Couldn't we just… start over?"

His features smoothened somewhat, "The deal is signed. I have a meeting, you should go."

I nodded. Thinking of dad, he used to say 'recognize when you're beaten' and quite clearly I was, "Good-bye, Ed."

He nodded slowly, before his eyes turned back to the laptop. I stood up and slowly made my way out. I couldn't deny that I wished I could stay in this rainbow room a little longer.…

"Black," I wheeled around, to see Edward piercing me with a conflicted expression. After a beat, he said slowly, as though regretting every word, "There's a picnic in Vauxhall tomorrow… for the Pride… you should come."

I bit my cheek, nodding. His eyes had already travelled down to the laptop, frowning. He probably _did_ regret inviting me. "I can't…" I answered. Still, I couldn't help but ask, "Ed? You wouldn't want to have dinner tonight? On me?" I would have done anything to avoid Bella's lasagne… if I had to be honest though, the real reason was that I wanted more time with Edward… I wished I could stay with him in this room.

"Afraid not," came his immediate answer. I didn't wait for my dues, but left right away.

* * *

I was sitting in my car, which was parked in front of the house. Instead of going directly home, I hadn't resisted the temptation of driving to Central London to get a quick fleeting look at the Pride. The parade was over, but the streets were still flooded with people, especially Trafalgar Square. I hadn't resisted either when I found a miniature rainbow flag attached to a toothpick right next to where I stopped the car. It was safely stowed away in my car's unused cigarette lighter compartment, where no one would find it.

My skin was literally crawling at the idea of having to go back to Bella. Drowning in bigotry, having to hide my real identity, pretending all day long… I felt a surge of hatred for this life. Edward might not have been 'overly polite' but at least he was honest, up-front, non judgmental, fair… not to mention incredibly handsome – if the sneak peek I got from his open shirt was anything to judge by. His slim form probably still possessed that unexpected, skilled strength which had always outmatched the brute force of my larger frame.

I took a deep breath. As much as I hated to admit it, Edward had also been quite right, more than I had realized at first. Bella and I were quite cut off from the world we lived in, bathing in luxury. The only contacts we had were Bella's equally ilk lady-friends or the few vague buddies I had made over the years – who were all rich and successful. Dad had always had friends in all levels of society, loved frequenting popular bars or crowded events …

I shivered. In the space of our five minute meeting, Edward had somehow managed to strip me of all pretence and force me to have a good look at myself – all the while giving off the impression he had bared my soul and taken a good look at it. Apparently he still possessed that unnerving gift to make me a better man.

I gripped the steering wheel tightly before letting out a long breath and leaving the car. Here we were, diving back into hypocrisy. Bella was home, obviously, because the smell of her lasagne was coming from the kitchen.

"I'm back!" I tried my best not to grumble, but again it wasn't very convincing. I had to get a grip on myself! I couldn't afford any slip-ups. Not with Bella.

"You're just in time," she announced, "dinner is ready!" I made my way to the dining room, where the table was set for two on the austere mahogany table. The room was quite dark, the cutlery had a cold steely look while the dishes were a blunt white. It was like penetrating a different world, coming from Edward's open, light office, full of colours with actual comfortable chairs.

"Need any help?" I asked as she hurried from the kitchen with a steaming platter of lasagne.

"Nope," she exclaimed, looking very satisfied indeed with herself.

I sat down, wondering why she insisted on making scalding hot food on a 29th of June when it was almost 30 Celsius outside. She served me a large portion; I couldn't help but think that it really wasn't surprising I couldn't run up two flights of stairs, eating this kind of thing.

"Jane told me that many big firms actually sent delegations to that clown's parade, earlier today! I assured her that you hadn't… I really don't get why they insist on humiliating themselves like that. Don't they realize how stupid they look, going around half naked in Central London?" She commented scathingly, probably certain I was going to agree whole-heartedly.

Another time I would have, but that night, I just couldn't bring myself to utter the words. I found myself praying Edward would call on my private number – which he didn't have – to invite me for a cold beer so I could escape this... whatever this was. One thing was certain, I would do my best to see Ed again. It felt as though heaven had dropped a miracle in the midst of my living hell, and I wasn't going to pass up on it.


	3. Thrown in Charp Contrast

**3. Thrown in Sharp Contrast**

"Chocolate supreme sprinkled with almond powder with its raspberry sauce." The waiter announced as he gently lowered the desert in front of me. Bella's dish was already before her.

She raised her champagne glass "To eleven years of a successful marriage." I clinked my glass with hers, careful to avoid crossing her eyes as I did so.

We both took a careful sip, and she cackled, "You know, if you don't meet my eyes during the toast, it means you're not being truthful!"

"Oh, really?" I asked in a mock cheery voice, before diverting my attention to my desert. I wasn't really hungry, but I forced it down anyway. It was good, but eating at fancy restaurants did become boring after a while. Particularly as this was Bella's all time favourite restaurant, a fancy three starred one. We came here for wedding anniversaries, her birthday, New Year... I really should get a tab here... maybe even a sleeping bag. I was longing for home-made cuisine, the type mom used to cook before she passed... it was such a long time ago I barely remembered what she used to make.

"Jake, I've been thinking, wouldn't you want to try to make a baby tonight? It's the right moment, and I know deep down you want a baby just as much as I do!"

I took another mouthful or two, pushing back the drama as much as possible. "No, sorry."

She frowned. "Why not? This is our special night!"

"I'm sorry, Bells, this is just not what I want."

"Don't you want to make me happy?"

I had a hard time not rolling my eyes. "I'm sorry, baby, but this is the one thing I can't give you."

"Jake, you're ruining it for me tonight..." she hissed.

"Well, I'm sorry, but this is as much about me as it is about you! I don't want to try for a baby tonight, you're going to have to live with it!" I was getting annoyed, and my voice rose a fraction.

"Shhh!" She snapped, looking around, concerned. This time I couldn't help rolling my eyes. Appearances – keep them up at all cost!

We finished eating in silence. As soon as our plates were cleaned, a waiter swooped in to take them away and suggested a variety of coffees, teas and liqueurs. I asked for my favourite: simple black tea; and Bella asked for a strong coffee. We sipped them still in silence, her not wanting to make a scene in public, I quite content to forget the matter.

It wasn't before we were in the privacy of our room that she took the subject up – again. We were lying in bed in our underwear, ready to perform the ritualistic act, when Bella interrupted the routine with, "Jake, I forgot to bring condoms," looking perfectly innocent and oblivious.

I smiled. "That's alright, I've got them."

She immediately scowled, "Do we really need them?"

"Yes, we both know you could get pregnant tonight, and I don't want to take any risks."

She sat up abruptly. "Jake! Why don't you want children with me? Tell me the truth!"

I didn't move – we had been going through the same motions for a few months now. I really should get myself recorded on a tape to play it for her every time she asked the same questions... "I don't have time, Bella, you know that. I work really hard so we can keep our level of life, and it's just not the right time for a baby. You know I'm trying to merge with BP's environment-friendly R&D department..." What a load of bull!

She huffed, "I know... I just... I feel like you don't want children _at all_! Only those deranged homos are like that!" I didn't grace that with an answer. When she finally understood the conversation was over, she gave up trying to convince me and moved in for a kiss, sitting on her thighs and bending over to reach my lips. Her small, soft hand was cupping my cheek.

_Only those deranged homos are like that_... _that clown's parade_... _how stupid they look_... although we were on the brink of having sex, I replayed her insults in my head. Edward flashed before my eyes, and I bristled, I hated that she was such a close-minded bigot!

I barely noticed that she climbed on top of me. A muscle twitched in my jaw, wondering for the zillionth time how I could stay with my wife, how I could stand to live with her. How could I even live with myself? And what kind of life was that?

"Hum... Jake... you're not very... excited, down here." Her tentative words brought me back to the here and now, and I realized that I indeed was as soft as they came. I closed my eyes and tried to shut out all those questions that tormented me. Perform, Jake, perform.

I took a deep steadying breath and opened my eyes, to see Bella on her knees between my legs, stroking my length slowly with one hand. Her naked form wasn't at all as exciting as it used to be, and I had to concentrate to stay hard.

Again, Edward flashed before my eyes; but this time he was as I saw him yesterday. His tight, dark green shirt was open halfway up, revealing the topmost abdominal and the start of a pectoral. He had a burgundy pair of shorts that barely reached his knees, and dark green Converse. His hair was unkempt, his face slightly flushed at being outside for a long while, reddening nose and cheeks from a prolonged exposure in the sun, and that lively glint in his eyes. My mouth started watering and I groaned, feeling myself reaching full mast in my wife's weak grip.

Satisfied I was fully excited, Bella reached for a condom and put it on me. I felt her seat herself onto my cock, and I let my head fall on the pillow, savouring the sensation.

The rest of the night was a succession of moans, curses and sweet words. We touched each other; Bella absolutely clueless about my hotspots, me knowing how sensitive her breasts her.

In the end, I didn't have a problem performing that night. Bella was glowing in post-coitus sated-ness, and I was lying in her arms, feeling a bit better. Mercifully, Edward's ghost had disappeared as Bella and I made ready for the main course, so to speak.

Still, I couldn't help but feel that sex with my wife was... insipid, even boring. It was the same bloody thing every time, and even though it was satisfying, I never felt sated... I couldn't help but feel it wasn't enough. I wanted more, I wanted diversity. As I laid there, holding her in my arms, I couldn't stop myself from wishing I was the one to be held in strong arms instead.

For a fleeting moment, I saw myself spending the day in the sun at the picnic in the park... I would be with a strong, hot boyfriend, sitting next to each other. Birds would be singing, people would be laughing all around in a relaxed atmosphere as we all exchanged the food we had brought. Nobody cared who I was, nobody cared how full my bank account was, nobody cared about the fact that we were eating on plastic plates. We would be in a comfortable T-shirt and cut-offs instead of an expensive suit. And when the sun finally set after a long, terrific day, my boyfriend and I would enjoy the evening sun for a few minutes, just the two of us, before going home for some wild homoerotic sex.

My last thought, as I fell asleep, was that this dream of mine was probably exactly how Edward was having it...

* * *

Days swept past, and I was feeling increasingly morose. Life was the same horrid routine, full of business meetings, expensive dinners and hypocritical moments spent with my wife.

Finally, one week after the anniversary; after spending a whole weekend cooped up with Bella, I made my mind up. I was going to see Edward again. I had it all planned, I would show up that Monday for lunch, and bring him something to eat, which we could enjoy in the privacy of his incredible rainbow office.

I left work around half past eleven, and sped towards a delectable little French café, which catered lunch and take-away. I ordered a Salad Niçoise and a tuna salad. I wasn't too sure what kind of stuff Edward ate these days, but I knew I had to keep my own lunch light or my softening belly would get downright flabby. I had thought about running after that time in Edward's office, but there had always been something to prevent me... I also bought some sparkling water and a tropézienne tart, deciding two salads was a bit too plain.

I arrived at NA around twelve, and marched into the atrium with the brown paper bag containing lunch. There, I found the same annoying blond as the previous time. Without letting her pipe up, I ordered in my most commanding voice, "I'm here to see Doctor Cullen."

She pursed her lips. "Doctor Cullen is about to go on his lunch break, I'm afraid you will have to come back at one."

I glared at her and tried to bluff my way through, "I know very well he's about to go on lunch break, I'm bringing the sodding lunch!" I held up the bag, even tilting it so she could see what was inside it.

Rose frowned, before picking the phone up. "Ed? I've got Black here, he brought lunch..."

Edward must have answered, because she put the phone to her chest and asked me with a slight sneer, "He wants to know what you brought."

I very nearly rolled my eyes; I really should have expected a welcome like this, "French take-out." Then again, considering how he had coldly turned down my offer for dinner the previous time, maybe I should have considered myself lucky...

"French take-away," she told Edward after placing the phone back to her ear. He answered, and she nodded, before hanging up. "He says you know the way." She pressed a button under the counter and the door beeped. I hurried past her office into the deadly silent corridor.

I strode towards the elevator, this time, and arrived in a much less breathless condition. I knocked on the door that was labelled "Dr. Edward Cullen – Director of Research" and I did something curious then; I took my wedding ring off and slipped it in my pocket. I wasn't exactly sure why, I only knew that – for some reason – I didn't want Edward to know I was married. Maybe I had this selfish hope he would think I was still a bisexual bachelor. There was a muffled 'Enter' and I hurried gratefully into the office; I wasn't sure I liked where this train of thought was leading me.

Although I was prepared for the peculiar look of the room, I still did a take; the sun was shining through the glass wall, illuminating the whole room magnificently. I hadn't given it much notice to the lounge area of his office the first time around, but it now seemed very tempting. Basically, Edward's office was a long room with his desk at one end – rainbow wall behind it – and two couches facing each other with a low table in between near the entrance.

Edward himself was sitting comfortably on one of the couches, eyes closed, probably enjoying the rays of sun that were falling on his pale face, highlighting his copper hair that seemed to glow in the light. I shut the door, made my way to the opposite couch, and only then did he lazily open his eyes, taking me in with the same slight smirk.

"Black..." he drawled.

I dropped the paper bag on the table not too gently. "Do you think you could call me something else?"

His eyebrows rose as his smirk deepened, "Like what?"

I shrugged with one shoulder, "Oh, I don't know, why not start with Jacob, or Jake?"

His lip twitched. "No."

I scowled, saying rather unnecessarily, "I brought you lunch."

"Yeah, I got that. You're very welcome to clear off, delivery-boy."

I meaningfully slumped down on the couch. "Bon appétit."

He pursed his lips, but made no attempt to get food. Instead, he considered me seriously for a beat, before asking, "So tell me, why are you here? From what I understand, you're not one to kiss ass, so I'm assuming you're not here in a desperate attempt to negotiate a deal."

I simply took the two salads and bottled water out; I was quite unwilling to open up to him. To be honest, the last thing I wanted was to admit I was there with him in a vain attempt to escape my own life.

"What? You're not even going to _try _to convince me that you're here for no particular reason?"

I smiled up at him, "Salad Niçoise or tuna salad?"

He smiled back. "Niçoise, please, if you don't want it." I slid the salad he wanted across the table, and opened my own. Edward was staring intently at me. I toed my shoes off and made myself comfortable on the slightly shabby-looking couch, determinedly looking out the window.

I took in a deep breath as silently as possible, before opening my salad and tucking in. Here, with the rainbow wall behind me, with Edward sitting facing me, I suddenly felt completely and utterly relaxed, in a way I hadn't felt in years. No standards to abide to, no one to impress, and best of all; no expectations. I just had to be wary of the ex-boyfriend who was sitting a foot away from me, or he'd pull at a loose string and unravel my entire person. I believed hard as iron that he really could tumble my whole word with a few well-placed words, he had taken me to pieces bit by bit once before; I had absolutely no doubt he could do it again.

Then again, he had also helped me become who I really was, he had helped me fit the estranged pieces together, to make me whole again. I was quite certain he still could do that, too. And no doubt it was worth all the gold, success and wives in the world... to be allowed to be who you _really_ are, to stop pretending. If only...

I startled when he opened his salad box with a dry 'clack' and was forcibly pulled out of my thoughts.

Enjoy the moment, Jake, enjoy the moment.

And for the first time in years, I stopped thinking. I munched on my salad slowly, enjoying the warmth of the sun on my face and the absence of rules or social pressure that governed Edward's office.

Mid-way through my salad, I was torn from the blissful void that filled my head, "I don't get it. I invited you to the picnic, no show. I don't hear anything from you in a week, and today you show up with lunch as though it was the most normal thing in the world." His voice was cold and bitter, and when I turned to look at him, I saw he was glaring daggers at me.

I put my lunch down and considered an answer carefully. Lying to Edward had always been out of the question, and I found myself baffled to realize I still couldn't voice a right-out lie. Telling him the truth was also out of the question, though; I still didn't want to admit I was married, and even less that I was unhappily so. I found myself at a cross roads.

Again, I felt as though this was the Heaven dropping a way out into my lap; maybe he could somehow help me out of this, maybe I would be able to grow a set and straighten my life out! I was already starting to realize what was making me happy; it felt like a tremendous start towards exciting possibilities.

"I..." I shook my head, before finishing lamely, "I was bored." It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the truth either...

"You were bored?" He repeated, looking thoroughly unconvinced.

I shrugged half-heartedly, "Yeah."

"So why did you pick 'coming to me with lunch' of all the things you could have done?"

I gave another weak shrug, "I dunno." I was starting to wonder if he was going to have me thrown out, it was exactly the kind of thing he would have done. I swallowed nervously, before admitting, "You don't take any bull or pretence, and I like that. I'm tired of people who bow to me hypocritically."

Just as the words were leaving my mouth, I realized just how true that was. I had always liked that about Edward, the way he cut across crap to get to the point, the way he called me and others on bullshit. Now more than ever, I craved that kind of person in my life. My life was a big fat lie, and I wasn't sure how much longer I would be able to stand it. My going to Edward was probably an unconscious need that had gone unnoticed for far too long.

Silence stretched on uncomfortably, Edward staring at me appraisingly as though trying to guess my thoughts. I already wished I hadn't said that last part. To cover up the awkward moment, I picked my lunch up and crammed in a mouthful of rice and tuna, looking out the window again.

From the corner of my vision, I saw he was eating very slowly, still staring at me, but with a distant look this time, as though lost in his thoughts. One part of me was screaming to blurt it all out; there was literally no one I could talk to in complete honesty, and that was something else I was craving for. On the other hand, I didn't want Edward of all people to know how miserable I felt, nor did I want to burden him with my issues.

I finished eating and gave a small sigh. My excuses to linger were thinning quickly, and once desert was gone I would have to leave unless I came up with a bright idea. Edward's eyes were unfocused as he looked out the window. I took the tropézienne out, which had the effect of bringing him back on earth.

"You bought French pastry too?" He asked, looking very surprised.

I smiled, happy with the lightening of the atmosphere, "Yeah, wasn't sure you'd like it, but I crave sugar after a meal, so..."

He hummed, "I love it, actually. Never found any that are as good as in St Tropez itself, of course. Tried a few times myself, but it was so disappointing I gave up."

"Been to South of France?" I immediately picked up.

"Yeah, a good while ago, went on a Eurotrip." He answered airily with a flat voice.

"Where did you go?" I had seldom been out of the UK. Dad had always been incredibly busy, and then... well, university was a right catastrophe, next came Bella, the wedding, and then taking over the company. I'd been to a few sunny spots, but all had white sand and coconuts, the kind of retreat you'd expect from a billionaire playboy. I'd never been to those tantalizing places, the really interesting ones.

Edward cut the tart roughly in two. "Madrid, Paris, St Tropez, Rome, Venice, Berlin, Amsterdam and Stockholm. I was away for about two months; probably the most interesting months of my life..." He still spoke with the flat very un-interested voice. I nodded, wondering why I'd never gone to do something like that.

We ate in silence, again. Actually, Edward didn't say a single word after that, until he said quite harshly, "Well, I overdid my lunch break, you need to leave."

"Sure." I mumbled wistfully, before putting my shoes back on and quickly collecting all the remnants of our meal. I quickly walked out, seeking to avoid overstaying my welcome. Edward didn't so much as look up as I left, but I wasn't surprised.

Nevertheless, I thought the whole thing had gone rather well, giving our common past. Although Edward had been quite cold, I had thoroughly appreciated the hour in his office. I wasn't too sure why, after all we had mostly been sitting in silence, which I could very well do in the private quarters at my own office! Still, being with him... he was so different from other people... he knew about my inclinations, he was the only one to know a whole myriad of things about me. To top it all, he never judged me on who I was. He only judged my actions, my behaviour; as he had proved once again.

Still, I shook my head, puzzled. How could an hour of near-silence make me feel so... satisfied? It probably was that with him I could be me, simply Jacob. He was the only one I could really be myself around. He didn't give a rat's ass about my bank account, about my 'power', about the status I was key to, or the standard of life I could lead. As opposed to my dear wife and most the people I dealt with daily, my worth as a man wasn't measured by the size of my bank accounts or my social standings when with Edward.

I sometimes wondered whether there was anything left of the real me besides appearance and social status, and maybe Edward was my chance to find out, to find myself again. Somewhere along the road, I must have buried down all kinds of things, without even realizing it! Maybe these parts of... well... me, really, were fighting to come out. I must have neglected parts of myself in the hopes of living a _normal _life, a life I would be expected to want and yearn for. The man I was - the man I am - has been trying to break free of the chains I unknowingly burdened him with. Being around Edward, in his office, felt like taking a deep breath of fresh air after being under water for far too long. No wonder I felt so peculiar.

There was only one thing I was certain of, he wouldn't have allowed me in if he thought I was a shallow person or a waste of time. So, whatever was left of the real me - under all the appearances and what society made of me – couldn't be that bad. That thought uplifted me.

Feeling unusually cheery, I returned to the office, wondering what take-out I would pick tomorrow, and whether or not I would be allowed in a second time.


	4. The Need for More

**4. The Need for More**

Next morning, the traditional porridge and coffee were waiting on the mahogany table. Bella was sitting there, too, sipping her own cup of that bitter black brew while reading the news. I sat myself down heavily and started ploughing through the distasteful breakfast.

I had almost managed to shovel down the watery stuff when she asked, sounding concerned, "Do you want more porridge? You look like you could need it..." Why? Was I looking suicidal?

I fixed a smile. "I'm fine dear, thanks."

She nodded, unconvinced, before saying lightly, "You know that guy who runs NeuroAction Labs? Doctor Dullen or whatever his name is. Nicky told me he was seen at that clown parade a while back! In the end it was a good thing you didn't make that deal with him, nothing good could have come out of it... I bet you sensed he was abnormal and cancelled the negotiations. I'm so glad you're sensitive to that kind of thing..."

I stared at her for a few seconds, stunned. Could someone really be that much of a bigot? Why was I married to her? And how the hell didn't I find out about this homo-hatred before? I'd always known she didn't approve, but she had never been quite this ferocious about it.

"Actually, _he_ cancelled the deal. And my directors tell me we made a mistake not pushing for it." I retorted, before realizing what I just said and diving back into my porridge.

"Oh." She sounded trumped. This was probably the first time I challenged her, baby matter aside.

I clamped my jaw shut and muttered, "I need to run," before doing just that, skipping the usual good-bye kiss. I stepped into my car and paused. I wasn't proud about it, but I was feeling so miserable I thought I could cry. My own wife would hate me if I came out to her as bisexual; the one person I had given everything to.

She had cheated on me. She was such a bigot she would never be able to accept the person I truly was. I blinked away a tear as I was forced to face a humbling fact; our marriage was truly over. Either I carried on with this ghost of a life, pretending to Bella and the world or I divorced and pursued something else.

As I fired the engine, one single thought was burning in me; I needed to go back to Edward's office.

* * *

I was restless all morning - glancing every five minute at the time on my computer, hoping it would suddenly jump to quarter to twelve. I still wasn't sure I liked where this obsession was leading me, nor even how I had become so hooked in such a little time; but I suddenly couldn't bear to imagine my life without that tiny hour-long break in that room which felt like a different world. One thought was scaring me, though – maybe it wasn't the office so much as it was Edward that made me feel so free. I definitely didn't like where _that_ was leading me however, and I buried the thought deeply.

I droned through endless meetings, until I finally could stride out of my office and announce happily, "I'm going out to lunch," to Leah as though I had won the lottery. It took me a while to decide what to buy for the lunch itself, though. Edward had a fine taste in food, and bringing him cold noodles just wouldn't cut it. In the end I went for sushi, thinking that if he still cooked all his food it wouldn't be something he'd had in a while.

I was steeling myself to get by the watchdog, Rose; but I had a stroke of luck, Edward himself stormed in just as the secretary and I were about to start wrestling over it.

"Here again?" the cold voice asked.

I wheeled around and grinned sheepishly, exclaiming, "Yup!"

He glared at me for a couple seconds before declaring, "You've wasted your time and money. Rose, next time he shows up, please call security." He made to walk past me, but I planted myself firmly in his step.

"Not hungry?" I asked. I wasn't sure whether there was anything I wouldn't do to get in there...

He scowled at me, before answering, "I am hungry, but I've had enough of you." He tried to skid around me, but I was quicker, preventing him to get through again.

"This is ridiculous, want me to - ?" the secretary asked.

I interrupted her, "Why don't you want me here?"

He squared his jaw. "None of your business, _Black_, now leave."

I stood my ground. "No. Not until you give me an honest answer."

There was a pause and then he huffed, before snapping at me, "Fine, come in and much good may it do you."

I couldn't help but grin at the Cerberus as I followed Edward through the gates of heaven. My hosts' glares or cold tone did not phase me; I was so happy to be allowed another hour in that place where I could once again find Jacob, the real one.

He stepped into his office and slumped into the nearest couch. I mirrored him, before gently putting the white plastic bag on the low table. "Sushi, today," his icy expression melted somewhat, and he sat up straighter to take the platter of rice and fish sushi I was handing him.

Just like yesterday, I toed my shoes off and snuggled into the comfy couch, the platter on my knees, picking at the food slowly. I let out a low contented sigh, and yet again this feeling of complete harmony with myself filled me to the brim.

"Still not going to explain why you're here, looking about ready to nest all night on my couch?" Edward asked, and although his voice still had a slight sneer to it, the tone was warmer than ever before.

I focused my eyes on him, and again had to fight the impulse to let everything burst out. I looked away for a second, before saying with unveiled hope, "You'll have to get a few beers in me before I start blabbing about my life."

Edward raised his eyebrows, looking thoroughly unimpressed, before diving back to his platter. I can't say I wasn't disappointed; I had hoped he would be curious enough to suggest we went out for a cold beer, but obviously that wasn't the case. I shook my head slowly; what was I really hoping for anyway?

The answer to that was relatively easy. I wanted someone who really knew me, someone I could talk to, someone who wouldn't judge - someone I could open up to... a friend, or even more than that... maybe after all these years in a pretence marriage, I was simply craving someone to love, and someone to love me back. Human warmth, the knowledge there was someone, somewhere on the planet, whom I would always be able to count on, whom I would always be able to go to. The kind of person that had been blatantly missing in my life for much too many a year; that had to be why I was unconsciously reaching out to Edward.

Having figured that out, I took a deep breath and asked in a hesitant voice, "Would you maybe want us to go for drinks sometimes?"

His voice turned ice cold again, "Why, so we can sit in silence for an hour at the pub, sipping two beers?" He picked angrily at the last sushi and swallowed it whole before throwing the platter on the table.

I lowered my head, heart dropping slightly. I was going about this the wrong way... and why the hell did I have to try and make friends with an ex-boyfriend? Well, the answer to that one was easy too... he knew me inside out.

"Edward... I – I know I haven't been very talkative... but couldn't we... I don't know... try to be friends or something?" I clenched my teeth before blurting out, "I need a friend, ok? That's why I've been coming here, that's why I'm hoping you'll agree to have a cold beer sometime."

Edward sat down slowly, looking conflicted. After a beat he whispered, "I can't. I'm sorry."

I wasn't going to give up easily, though, "Why not? You've let me come in here... it's not been too horrible, has it?"

He let out a loud breath, before admitting, "You haven't changed... you're still so damn... cute." My stomach fluttered a little, it had been years since anyone had praised my looks "Monday you were looking so miserable, yet so hopeful, I couldn't find it in me to refuse. I told myself I'd cut ties with you after that, but when you showed up today again, with those bloody puppy-dog eyes... I'll only admit it this once, I've always had a weak spot for you. But I can't give you more than an hour here. We've been down this road before and I'm not planning on going down that rabbit hole again."

I showed my palms, pleading with him, "I'm only asking for one drink. If you don't like it, I won't bother you again."

I saw him bite the inside of his lip, and I thought he was going to cave in; but he suddenly stood up and walked resolutely to the door. "I can't, Black. I can't be your friend, and I can't go out with you as though we didn't have a lot of history together."

I put my shoes back on, collected all the trash and joined him at the door. "Ed, just please-"

The slap resounded like a gunfire in the office and my head was jerked to the side, making my neck hurt. Anger was radiating from Edward as he told me in a deadly voice, "It's Doctor Cullen to you, or Edward. Ed is for friends, and if you're wondering why you don't qualify, try to remember just how we parted sixteen years ago."

Holding my smarting cheek, I wasn't feeling slightly aggrieved at being slapped by a man. On the other hand, all my carefully erected walls were crumbling, and all my cautiously buried secrets and guilts were clawing their way up to the surface. My closet, not contending with having me deeply hidden within, also had to contend with a few skeletons.

I swallowed, blinked a few times before scampering away. Just as I was leaving the building, a hospital flashed before my eyes and I very nearly spread myself onto the side-walk. I shook my head like a bull trying to get rid of flies, before unsteadily going to my car.

I sat down heavily, and shut the door. This time a hospital room flashed before my eyes. I let my head fall down in my hands. For the first time I wished I had a driver, I wouldn't be able to drive through London with these flashes.

I stayed unmoving for a long while... recalling those deeply buried memories; the months with Edward. I started to remember how it was, being twenty, being carefree. I also started to remember the burning love that consumed me wholly.

I shook my head in my hands; how could I have mistaken the travesty of love I had with Bella with the real thing, the thing I only had once, the thing I had with Edward? How could I have thought we'd be good together, when she didn't know the first thing about me?

What, did I expect her to find out on her own? There was no way in hell she'd have found out unless I had told her myself! What the fuck had gone through my head? How could I have been so f-ing stupid?

I clenched my jaw and banged my fist on the steering wheel. I jerkily rammed the key in the ignition and fired the engine.

"You're such a fucking loser," I told myself angrily. There was only one reason I hadn't told anyone, so I added "You're a loser _and _a bloody coward, Black."

I drove to the office, kicking myself all the way. My anger only subsided when I got another flash that almost caused an accident; a twenty year-old Edward lying in a hospital bed, looking broken.

Halfway there, I made a snap decision of leaving Leah a message.

"_Leah, it's Jake. I'm not feeling great, please cancel today's meetings and reschedule the important ones for later this week."_

All I wanted was to curl up in a bed, but I couldn't go home or Bella would be on the case. I shook my head sadly as I realized that the only place I could go except home was my office... to the personal suite that I would have to lock, in order to get some privacy. How pitiful was that, having to go to the office to mope? When did my life get this... this horrible? How could I let it get so bad?

I reached the room without further incidents, and locked myself in as planned. I turned the stereo on to The Cranberries, which I knew had been Edward's favourite band, back in the time. I kicked my shoes off, ripped my tie off, fumbled to get my shirt open and flung myself onto the couch.

I heaved a deep sigh. The flashes kept coming, wordless pictures of how I left Edward lying in that hospital bed, of how I had let the love of my life down.

I closed my eyes. How could I be so insensitive? What a question! I've always been an insensitive ass, that's what brought Edward and me together the first time... my insensitive, selfish attitude. How could I have tried to get back in touch so carelessly as though nothing had happened? Well, I might have aged, but I just proved I was just as insensitive as ever.

Memories came flooding back, a tidal wave of emotions... pain, anguish, despair and longing. How I had looked for Edward... I had been reduced to begging my father to tell me where he had gone, I had gone to Edward's parents who had slammed the door in my face. I had tried so hard to find him, to tell him how sorry I was, how utterly undeserving I was, and yet how I still selfishly wanted another stab at happiness with him.

In the months that followed, his absence became a dull ache in my heart. Life had turned into a variation of greys then, Edward taking colour with him as he left my life. Or rather, I had erased colour out of my life as I had walked out on him at that crucial moment.

Somehow, down the road, I must have deluded myself with lies and deceit. Or maybe I had become so used to it that I had forgotten how living really felt. Then Bella came along, making the dull ache disappear. Despite being twenty-three or so, I had felt old and tired, but Bella had succeeded in making me feel young again.

Did I ever love her? I know that I was convinced of it at the time. Looking back on it, I wasn't so sure any more. Memories of the first years were rapidly fading and I couldn't tell how I was feeling at the time any longer. I felt now as though the marriage only really came about because I had thought it was what everyone expected me to do... and after that, everything I had done still was what everyone expected me to do: taking over the company, buying a house, taking Bella to a sunny beach every year.

I sighed, that was such a cowardly way to think. It's all very good to blame the world for my problems, but there was only one person responsible for how my life turned out; myself. I shook my head slowly; despite calling myself a man like any other, despite my depiction as a strong straight man during all these years, I was lacking in one department: balls.

Not that it was news to me; I have always been something of a coward, a fact I had been made painfully aware of when Edward took me in seventeen years ago. A fact I was forced to face again, and it couldn't be simple coincidence that it happened when my former male lover was making a guest appearance in my life. He had changed me for the better all those years ago, and now he had somehow made me start to grow a set... or rather, I was forced to grow a set if I ever wanted to become his friend.

I squared my jaw; I was the only one responsible for the mess in my life, and I would be the one to make it right.


	5. Mind your P's and Q's

**5. Mind your P's and Q's**

"Mr Black? Sir?" Leah called.

"I'm in my private room!" I called back, massaging my temples. The day had been long, and I wasn't exactly impatient to get home. Though I prided myself on being a humane CEO, I had to admit that it also increased productivity and profits. However, the nurses I employed had been on strike on and off for a week, claiming: understaffed, overworked, and underpaid. After long, tense negations, salaries increased by five per cent with a slight increase in the workforce. The employees had grudgingly agreed to return to work, and the mess seemed to be over.

Of course, I also had dealt with the _other_ mess. Edward's drug had proven to be better than anyone thought it would be. James' company had run incredibly swift tests and released the results; next step, human trials. At the rate it was going, the drug would reach the market within six months.

The deputy CEOs, who were not happy, had been giving me the third degree. The minority share-holders weren't happy either, but they could go fuck themselves for all I cared. To make things worse, tabloids, delighted that golden boy Black had committed his first grave mistake, had jumped on the occasion to drag my good name through the mud.

I couldn't say that I really cared what the press said or people thought about me, but it was fairly irritating to hear the journalists sneer slightly each time they talked about me – which seemed to be at least once a day of late. Bella, who had probably not understood a single thing about the deal, was furious, saying all of her friends were joking about her and whatnot. I rolled my eyes, bitch sat at home enjoying my bank account but she still thought it was a personal affront whenever I fucked up. And to make the whole thing all the more infuriating, this was the first f-ing time I really messed up in business!

Then there was the slight twinge in my stomach at every single lunch, which I now spent secluded in my private quarters at work, playing the last conversation with Edward over and over in my head. That, and the horrifyingly depressing thought that he would probably be the only one to offer me any comfort about the whole deal mess, although he was the winner of the story and had well afforded the right to gloat.

Three weeks. Three weeks since that lunch when he had slapped me so hard I had to explain to Bella why my cheek had blue fingerprints painted on.

"Sir, the workers are coming in tomorrow to re-model your father's office, so I had to have it emptied. I took the liberty of rifling through his... stuff, for lack of a better word, and there was a whole box of non work-related documents. What shall I do with them?" Leah had poked her head through the door, holding out a cardboard box, the kind with a lid on.

"Give them here; I'll have a look at it." This is exactly what I needed; to dive into someone else's life to forget about my own world. I plopped on the carpeted floor as she handed me the box.

"Oh, and your wife called, she wants to know when you'll be home." Leah said, sounding strained. I knew my PA was very irritated with Bella, and I couldn't blame her. Leah had enough to deal with without my wife calling her five times a day as she had been doing.

I sighed, glancing at the clock, seven... "Text her back, I'll be there around eight." Leah nodded wordlessly and left, closing the door behind her. I opened the box gingerly and to my surprise found it full to the brim with letters, all grouped in thick wads.

I picked the top bunch carefully and took the elastic that was holding them together off. There must have been dozens of letters, each preserved in an open envelope. They were all to Dad's old address with a vaguely familiar writing. Dad had also dated each one of them in a corner, so I flicked through them and picked the oldest one first.

My hands were shaking slightly, what were all these letters, who were they from, and why hadn't he ever told me he had such contacts? I took the older letter out of its envelope, unfolded it gently and read on.

_Dear Billy,_

_I shouldn't be surprised you found out where I am, you've always had a way to get what you wanted, haven't you? Before I say anything, I must ask you to swear never to tell Jacob that you have contacted me, and more importantly __where I am__! _

_I cannot honestly say that I am well, no. I'm not going to lie; your son hurt me badly. I was a wreck for a few months, and my best friend was so worried about my state that he had me move in with him and his boyfriend. Things got so bad that he wanted to check me into the hospital on suicide watch. I won't say that it was entirely your son's fault, but he made things considerably worse. He fled when I most needed his support._

_Things are a bit better now, but I still feel like a ghost of my former self. I've managed to scrape acceptable grades and somehow got myself a Ph.D. position (to be honest, it was more a combination of my best friend and parent's work, they were the one who handled everything)._

_I know that my words will probably make you feel rather guilty; as you said yourself, you were the one to make our paths cross. Please don't feel badly, you could not have known that your son was bisexual, or that we would fall in love. Anyway, I am sure all of this will pass in time; all young men and women fall in love and have their heart broken, no? It's life, and I learned long ago that life is not fair, you need to be strong and face what comes your way. _

_Though I cannot say that I have forgotten about Jacob, or even ceased to love him, I am determined to get passed all this. I have been seeing a rape counsellor, which has been of tremendous help. I'm able to focus on my work again, and the doctor I work for is very happy with my work. _

_Please don't burden me with news about your son; that is truly the last thing I want to hear._

_Wishing you well, _

_Edward_

I hiccupped, halfway to a sob, as tears slowly trailed down my nose, suicide watch? I stared into the void for a while. My body moved as though belonging to a foreign person, I saw my hands pick up the second oldest letter and started to read. This one was partly erased, as the ink Edward used slowly vanished with time.

_Dear Billy,_

_Thank you for your kind words, they warm my heart. I have always thought the world of you, and this is not going to change. Thank you also, for your offer of funding, but I am doing quite well on my own._

_I am sorry, but I can't formulate an answer to your question. I can't write about what happened... maybe a time will come when I will be able to, but that is not now. Please don't burden Jacob with questions, he only knows I was raped; he fled right after he found that out. _

_I will talk to my parents, but I really doubt they will want to see you – I won't go into details but there were some very dark times before I recovered, and they do not carry you or your son in their hearts. I will also offer them your money for the hundredth time, but I really doubt they will want that either. It is no news to you that there are things money can't -_

I feverishly fumbled for the next one, which was very short.

_Dear Billy,_

_Sorry I haven't been able to write in a couple months – so much has happened! I've started having a social life again, even though my heart seems to be so filled with memories of Jacob that there is place for nothing else, I have made a few friends. I know it's early, but we've been talking about our futures (yes, those are friends from the lab I work in) and we thought setting up our own lab would be a hell of an idea! So I've been running around like a headless chicken to see what we would need and so on. I'll tell you more as soon as I can._

_Sorry I don't have time to write more, _

_Edward_

My throat constricted and my eyes blurry, I picked the next one up.

_Dear Billy,_

_Gosh, I'm so sorry; it's been almost a year since I last wrote to you! To be honest, I've been trying my best to forget all about you and your son, and writing to you seemed to be counter-productive in that aspect._

_First, NO, do NOT tell Jacob where to find me. I understand you're worried about him, but frankly I'm annoyed at your selfishness. He might be your son, but how can you ask me to consider talking to him? That will not happen in this life-time. _

_Since I'm writing to you, I might as well face it; I can't forget about him. My heart clenches each time I hear of someone called Jacob or Jake, and I haven't been able to bring myself to throw out the only picture of us I have left. It's a picture we took when he and I were down in Madrid on our Easter Break... thinking of our times makes me indescribably sad and I have a very hard time imagining I will ever be that happy again._

_I have to say, your offer is tempting... I'll let you know how that little project of mine works out, call it NA for now, NeuroAction Labs!_

_Best,_

_Edward_

Tears were pouring out of my eyes and dropping onto my lap. I carried on. The next letter was blotched, as though someone had cried reading it... or writing it.

_Billy,_

_I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a long time – again. But at least this time we have corresponded by email... I don't know how to say this... things are going bad again. Well, you know what happened, I won't force myself to write it._

_Friends tried to help, but gave up after a while. I feel alone, I don't know who to go to._

_Please help me._

I sobbed uncontrollably this time, as I read Edward's short letter, before picking up the next one.

_Billy,_

_I will never be able to express how grateful I am. Thank you so much for taking me in when I was lost. You steered me through the darkness, and I know what to do, now. Thank you too, for your offer to stay at your house; I will gladly take you up on that. I'll be in London next week; can I treat you to dinner?_

_NA is a go! Thanks to your funds I've been able to start it up on my own, would you believe it? I certainly don't! _

_Please, don't tell Jacob about me. And please, though I will be in London, please don't badger me to meet him, or I'll just leave; I truly have no wish to see him. I'm trying to turn my life around again, and it's not easy. I have no friends, no one to support me but you; please don't ask this of me, I'm doing the best I can._

_Best,_

_Edward_

I continued to read the letters avidly, and eventually I reached an un-opened one, which must have arrived after Dad died. Edward wished that Dad healed quickly and expressed his hopes that everything else was ok. It said NA was thriving, and Edward was fairly happy with his lot in life.

Little by little, I pieced together disparate fragments to the life of the man I had loved. There were a few parts that struck a chord, '_my heart seems to be so filled with memories of Jacob that there is place for nothing else' _or '_My heart clenches each time I hear of someone called Jacob or Jake, and I haven't been able to bring myself to throw out the only picture of us I have left' _which was the exact way I had felt. And how many times had I wished that I had a trace of our times together, pictures or short clips? The only thing that remained was the wrist chain, which I probably treasured over anything else I had.

I put the last letter down, and folded all of them, before gently putting them back in their envelope, stacking them together chronologically and pressing the bunch of letters against my chest. My heart was bleeding out, and I was feeling too many different emotions to identify one or make any sense of the mess. I simply sat there a while, tears still streaking down my nose.

I didn't understand. How could I have been so oblivious? How could I have not known that Edward was at my father's house, in London, while I was getting married a few paces away? How could Dad not have told me? He knew what Edward meant to me, he knew!

I shook my head free of questions and let my heart take over. There was something I needed to do; there was something I was going to do. Drying the tears with my arms, I strode out of the office, letters still clutched tightly to my chest. New tears trickled down; I couldn't seem to stop crying.

The whole trip was a blur, and I wasn't sure how I managed to get myself to NA, vision dizzy and heart bleeding. Without a second's hesitation, I marched into the building and walked up to the secretary who was still working at this late hour.

She looked up and her eyes widened; I must have been quite a sight, crying, hair dishevelled, shirt open near my throat... "Is Ed here?" I asked in but a whisper.

She stared at me, looking shocked, before nodding slowly and patching me through. I walked, unsteadily, towards Edward's office and knocked weakly, letters still tightly held in my grip.

"Come in," came the muffled voice, sounding tired.

I entered to find Edward sitting at his desk, poring over a thick file. I closed the door silently behind me and went to stand in front of his desk. It took a second for him to look up, but if he felt anything at seeing me there he hid it well, if my state surprised him, he didn't let it show.

His voice was gentle when he asked, "Black, what is happening?"

I lowered my eyes, not able to bear the idea of crossing his gaze. In a dead tone, I said, "Edward, I'm here because I need to apologize for leaving you sixteen years ago. I could say that I freaked out and never meant to hurt you, but that would sound like I'm trying to come up with excuses, and trying to excuse what I did would be an insult to you. I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you, and that now I have a small idea of just how much damage I did."

I brought the letters to my chest, and waited for him to saying something, anything, keeping my eyes on my side of his desk. After a horribly long silence, he asked in a flat voice, "What is bringing this up?"

I swallowed, shame trickling in from the top of my head. "I read the letters you wrote sent to Dad... and most of all..." I choked up, and couldn't continue. I wanted to say that I needed him, that I needed a friend, someone to talk to, and someone I could be myself with. I wanted to say that the last weeks had been torture; I wanted to beg for some kind of affection, for a chance at being friends again.

But I just couldn't. Asking this of Edward after reading the letters was the acme of selfishness. Still, I felt like I hadn't been selfish in sixteen years, and I badly wanted to be now, and ask for that one thing. I knew it would torture him. After spending years trying to forget about me, this was probably the worst thing I could ask for; but I still wanted to ask. I was feeling so low, so miserable that I wanted to do something for me, and only me for the first time in sixteen years, for the first time since I left him lying in that hospital room.

I heard Edward stand up, and I closed my eyes. I was still crying, and I couldn't look up to face him. If he wanted to slap me again, I would let him before walking away. I was ready to accept whatever he sent my way.

I almost jumped when I felt a gentle hand giving a reassuring squeeze to my shoulder. "Come, let's sit down." I opened my eyes shyly and let him guide me to the nearest couch. I slumped down onto it, and he sat on the table; we were knee to knee, and there was no escaping his piercing eyes.

His voice was gentle again when he spoke up, "Listen, I wrote those letters a very long time ago. They were written by a young man with a young man's heart, and a young man's clouded mind. I remember the first ones, I was so angry at the world that I put the darkest of me under Billy's nose so he would be forced to see what you did. I can't say that I have forgotten, or even forgiven; but I see things differently. Billy told me how you were when you came home from the hospital, and in the following months. I know you suffered a lot too."

He squared his jaw a couple times before saying slowly, "Despite what I told you a few weeks ago, I'm not angry any longer, I'm sorry I lashed out, but you were so damn pushy! When I said that you hadn't changed much, I meant it, I saw a glimpse of the cute teenager of long ago, the young man I fell in love with."

He slowed down even more, as though the words hurt him, and they probably did, "I like you, Black. I understand you want a friend, and I can't say it isn't something that I desire too." He sighed before adding, "I know I was harsh last time you came, but I had to make you understand that we cannot just sweep it all under the rug. But now, seeing you like this..." He shook his head, "You seem to understand that we can't forget about the past, and if I have to be completely honest, I like to have you around; but you can't expect us to become best friends in two days."

I let out a deep breath, and noticed my hands were shaking. I clutched the letters tighter with one of them and held on to my knee with the other. I looked right into Edward's beautiful green eyes and whispered, "Thank you." Gratitude was pouring out of me, the stream of tears abating as I blinked the last remains away.

He smiled at that, before asking in a whisper too, "Will you tell me why you say that you need a friend? Why you've been coming to my office and nesting here like it is your private haven?"

I chuckled wetly, "You know me too well..." This time I looked down shamefully as the dreaded words left my mouth, "No one knows I'm bisexual, let alone anything else about my sexual inclinations." I swallowed thickly, my face heating up in embarrassment. There had been a time when discussing my orientation with Edward had been easy, but now it felt like the worst of shames again. "In here, with your bloody rainbow wall, I can be myself. You know who I am; I don't need to tell you. I can tell you stuff and I know you won't judge."

His strong hand gently picked up my own, which was still resting on my knee, and I relished the strong hand; that simple contact which was enough to make me feel safe. It was the kind of affection I had been ready to beg for, and Edward was offering it to me freely. "Look at me, Jacob." And for the first time, he called me by my first name. I looked up at him with some kind of desperate hope.

"I'll be your friend, Jacob. You're right, you can tell me anything, and I won't judge you on who you are, or what you yearn for. Be yourself, everyone should have the right to be himself all the time, but if you can't in your everyday life, now you know you can be yourself with me." Tears of gratitude welled up in my eyes.

Just as the full scope of what he was offering really hit me, the burn of shame eclipsed all else again. I lowered my eyes, "Edward... I feel so selfish for asking this of you. I'm so sorry for coming to you with this, but I hope you can understand, you're the _only one_. There is no one else I could turn to, even if I wanted to. Now that I've read these letters, I feel so badly, you have no idea. You just gave me the one thing that would make me happy ... considering what I've done and what I put you through, it's so unfair of me to-"

"Shh. Jacob, let us leave the past in the past for now. We'll have to tackle it someday, but not before we have gotten to know each other again. For now, let's just enjoy our new forming friendship... taste freedom. Enough heavy for one night." I closed my eyes in relief. I knew that someday I would have to endure the obliterating guilt for the pain he went through, but he was right, I wouldn't be able to take much more tonight.

I took a deep breath, and looked up at him again, smiling. He brought his lower lip up, and I knew he understood exactly what I was going through. I had found a friend who not only knew me inside out, but understood me before even I did. My heart fluttered at the thought, and I felt as though I was floating on a little cloud, far away from any worries.

His mouth pulled into a slight smirk, "Now, how about you bring some Indian take-out tomorrow? I'm craving a curry!"


	6. One step forward, Two steps back

**6. One step forward, two steps back**

Bella was wearing her sexiest outfit, the one she took out when I was too busy to spend steamy nights with her. Usually, it would get me hard and excited just thinking about what would follow. Usually I really would have spent a couple weeks working my ass off.

Tonight, though, I didn't so much as blink. I was already in bed, in my pyjamas, ready to fall asleep. Tonight, I was wishing there was a way I could sleep in another bed and as opposed to usually I _hadn't_ been working my ass off. For the last few weeks, the idea of getting anywhere near a naked Bella was nothing short of a repulsive notion. Not only that, but letting her anywhere near _my_ naked body was just as disturbing.

If I had had to describe our sex life a couple months back, I would have used the word 'healthy'. Now I was quite certain that I wouldn't be able to so much as get it up for her. Strangely, the idea of being somewhat impotent with my wife wasn't disconcerting; on the other hand, it was really quite pleasing. Who would want to fuck an insensitive homophobic bitch anyway? Certainly not me!

Fortunately, this hadn't been brought on by a certain person, or a certain event. The contrary would have been positively scary, it would have meant that I was starting to have feelings for Edward, something I couldn't fathom. I knew that I had been slowly growing out of love for quite some time, and that had to be the reason for these new feelings of repulsion for my own wife; not only that, but her bigotry, close-mindedness and absence of humanity.

I turned to face my night-stand, making sure to get the message through 'not tonight'. If there had been any way of making her understand 'or any other night', I would probably have done it too, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. That would mean getting a divorce, simply put. That would mean putting all the ugly truths out there; that would mean splashing our lives for Rupert Murdoch to write about.

I wasn't ready for that. I already knew that it was the end-game; I couldn't possibly stay with Bella much longer now that her naked body repulsed me, but I needed a little time. I closed my eyes, and let myself fantasize. Some day, I would be with someone like Edward, love him more than the world, I would be out of my closet and we would be officially dating. He would be able to come to my office and claim my mouth openly before taking my hand and taking me to lunch. We would be living together without the need to hide.

My heart lurched. God I wished that this could be my life right now. I wished I didn't have to wait until I scraped the courage up. At least I was able to face the truth again; I was able to look myself in the mirror and admit that I was bisexual, maybe even gay. I could speak about my sexuality openly to Edward without lowering my eyes and burning with shame. I was proud of the little step I had taken, but I knew that the road was still long.

"Jake?" Bella asked rather dryly. I let out a small breath; I had tried to get Edward to call me 'Jake' instead of 'Jacob' for the past week without pushing too much, but had been unsuccessful so far. Funnily enough, I wished I could slap Bella's hands away from me and snap '_Jake_ is for friends only!' But no, I had married her, and now I had to live with it.

"Yes dear?" I answered, remaining stubbornly lying on my side. I reached out to turn the light off before quickly diving back under the cover before she had the time to get near my naked skin. For the past few days I had been thanking my wife's slight OCD decision for each of us to have our own cover; she would have a hard time slinking her hand onto me. I also silently vowed to buy myself one of those long-sleeved pyjamas and the pair of PJ pants to go with it, instead of the shorts I usually wore. Then I'd only need a baklava and thick woolen socks and I'd be left alone. Well, I would probably melt before I even fell asleep seeing as I was usually ten degrees too hot, but it felt like a small price to pay.

"Jake, when are we going to try for a child?" I rolled my eyes. Give it up... there was no way I would even consider burying myself in a cheating homophobic brat, even less conceiving children with one. If I did, I'd want to raise the kids myself to make sure they turned out alright, which wasn't possible seeing as I was CEO of a large company. And to top it all, I'd need Viagra to get hard, and probably a hard dick slowly sliding up and down my crack to bring myself off.

I closed my eyes again. This was the first time I had a remotely gay sexual thought ... and it was turning me on. Jesus, I just hoped Bella didn't notice or she'd jump on the occasion. Seeing as she still required an answer, I admitted, "I don't know. I've been thinking that I should hire someone so I could take some time off..." It was perfectly true, I found myself wanting some time off. Edward only worked four days a week for example, alternating between working Monday through Thursday one week and Tuesday through Friday the next – that way he got a four-day weekend every other week. Then again, his company was small, and he had a right-hand man on whom he could rely.

The idea was awfully tempting; it had gotten me to imagine what I could do with all that free time... things I hadn't done in over fifteen years... things I hadn't even considered doing in that long. I would start by spending a whole actual day with Edward. We'd go to Soho and mingle with the other gays there, maybe go to Soho Square on a sunny day and lie around all day, doing nothing more than chatting and relaxing.

I huffed; I'd probably have to find someone else to do that, since Edward disappeared on his free days and flatly refused to tell me what he was up to. Still, having time on my own, without having to spend every waking minute at work or with Bella seemed like a dream to me.

"Really? That'd be great! Do you know when that would happen?" Bella sounded much too thrilled.

I wanted to say 'not anytime before the divorce', as I knew there would be no way to worm myself out of love-making leading to procreation, but again, I couldn't. Maybe there was still a small part of me that loved my wife... maybe there was still a small part of me that wished we could mend our marriage?

"I don't know... sometime after New Year, at the earliest. Probably not before six to twelve months." Finding someone who I trusted enough wouldn't be easy and besides that I didn't want the pressure of coming out before I was ready. The one time I had done that had turned out disastrous... it was when I had been in love with Edward and we hadn't talked in three weeks. In any case, this would hopefully keep Bella off my back while not being an outright lie.

As she appeared to be somewhat satisfied, I let my mind wander back to the delicious fantasy I had been having. After Edward, I had tried going out with guys for a little while; mostly strolling websites for Dominants. I think that it was some attempt to find my lover, because I sure as hell wasn't ready to date anyone. I didn't let anyone near my ass for example, as much as I was willing to give blowjobs and get tied up in light bondage, there were strict limits.

No one was good enough though, and that was probably because not a single one was Edward. I remember feeling like I still belonged to him; which was probably why I kept my ass for him. It was weird, seeing as I knew deep down that even if I did find him, our relationship was destroyed far too much to pick it up again. Still, I never really stopped hoping, and if I one day found him; I wanted to pledge that since I had given my anal virginity to him, I hadn't let anyone soil me.

Now what? If I did find a guy I liked, would I be able to give myself fully to him? If I found a strong guy who was willing to take me on as his submissive boyfriend, I would have to offer myself up. Trouble was, I wasn't really sure I'd be able to... I still wore the golden wrist-chain that Edward gave me seventeen years ago when we fell in love. I knew Edward himself didn't wear his any longer; we had decided to wear the same chain as some mark of love. He wore one very similar, but it was entirely black, and I couldn't find it in myself to ask what exactly it meant.

I had almost stopped wearing my wedding ring altogether; it was stowed in my car unless I was with Bella. I wasn't too sure why I didn't want to wear it or more accurately why I didn't want Edward to know I was married. I was quite certain that he would hate to find out that I had been holding out on him... then again, it wasn't like I had lied or whatever. I just hadn't opened up about my whole life; he couldn't blame me for that.

Still, of late I had found myself increasingly wishing to fall asleep with my back to some rock-hard abs and strong arms around me. I wanted to have that feeling of security which I was providing for Bella. I wanted the right to be the weak one, to feel supported and loved. I fell asleep, straining my memory to remember how it felt, being with a man.

The next day was a Tuesday, and I was really antsy. I hadn't been in that wonderful rainbow office since Thursday, and I was finally going to be able to return today. The whole NA deal still hadn't blown over, and I was still taking heat for it, no matter how many times I reminded everyone just who the CEO was. To add to it, the trashy tabloids had started digging dirt on me; it seemed sullying my good name was trendy. They hadn't found much, thank God, a few old police reports from my turbulent teen years, my disparate university education and that was it.

Bella had assailed me that morning, trying to weasel out of me a precise date for my appointing some help; she probably already tried to decide when the best night for conception would be and when she was likely to give birth. I could already see her strolling shops for baby furniture... I really needed to make sure she never got a definite answer.

My eyes were flicking towards my watch much too regularly, and the managers I had a meeting with would probably not take it well; but fuck, I could afford it. At precisely eleven thirty, I adjourned the meeting and marched out before any of them had the time to react. My new lunch habits hadn't escaped anyone, but no one had dared to comment on them. I now flew out of the building well before noon and didn't reappear before one or one thirty unless it was Edward's day off or I had something really urgent to deal with.

I knew Edward really limited his lunch break, so any minute I showed up late was lost. It wasn't really a bad thing, if he wasn't so damn strict I probably wouldn't return to the office in the afternoon. I would have been very happy staying snuggled up on his couch all day. Fuck, I would live on that couch if I could.

He had offered to buy me lunch a few times, but there was no way I was going to accept that; I was already cramping his style, the least I could do was buy the food myself. He wasn't a picky eater, so choosing something was only putting a strain on my imagination; as much as I wanted to bring something new each day, repeats weren't excluded. The one time he had turn his nose down on the food was when I had gone for a hamburger – a pricey gourmet one, not a MacDonald's type one. Still lesson learned: no fast food.

That day I picked up Chinese takeout; duck with fried rice. Rather rich but so sue me, I was hungry. Nearly running to his office, I opened the door with the brand new key card Edward had given me, not sparing a glance for the guard dog. I knew she didn't like me, but seeing as the feeling was mutual, I didn't give a damn.

About a week earlier, I had showed up at Edward's office to find him sitting comfortably and saw a pass card and a key on the table. He had explained that he really liked our lunches, and that he wanted to make things easier for me. The pass was a basic low security one which only allowed access to the building, but it was more than enough for me.

The key was infinitely more valuable as it was the key to his office. He had said that he wanted me to feel at home as much as possible considering it was an office; that I was free to come whenever I wanted even if he wasn't there. I had used the key only once; after a particularly depressing rant of Bella's against gay marriage in the UK, I had stormed out and taken refuge in the office. Simply shutting myself in there had made me feel loads better, and in that moment I had fervently praised Edward's name.

I made my way to the office, and for the first time found the door standing ajar. A heated discussion was coming from within.

"Why the hell can we never have lunch together?" asked a voice I didn't recognize.

"I have other engagements, as I keep telling you." Edward sounded slightly grazed.

"And _what_ are those other engagements?"

"None of your business," came Edward's sharp reply. I bit my lip, wanting to hear more yet loathed intruding on Edward's privacy after everything he had done; I knocked on the door, peaking in. My friend was sitting comfortably on one of the couches, looking supremely unconcerned, while the other guy was standing across from him, looking very concerned. He was a Latino clad in a very tight white T-shirt which moulded to his impressive muscles. Dark hair cut short for a spiky style, browns eyes and a very sharp-looking face.

"Come in!" Edward called when he heard me knock.

The guy turned to me and scowled, before turning back to Ed, "So this is why I'm being kicked out?" _This_? Who the hell did that guy think he was?

Edward sighed, but didn't look up, "Yes, I am having lunch with Jacob here. I'll see you Friday." The guy flashed a hurt expression before storming towards the door, knocking my shoulder with his as hard as possible on the way out. I closed the door behind him and plopped down on the empty couch.

Raising my eyebrows slightly, I asked, "Who was that?"

Edward gave another sigh, still not meeting my eyes, "His name is Paul. Good guy, but way too overbearing."

I hesitated a pace before asking, "Want to talk about it?" This brought Edward's piercing green eyes to me and I immediately back-tracked, "But if you don't want to you really don't need to."

His icy demeanour melted somewhat, "I'm fine, but thanks for asking."

I handed him a plastic plate and cutlery, before opening the two boxes of food. I served myself a large portion, wishing he would confide in me like he used to. He was still staring at me when I looked up; he frowned and asked, "What about you? You don't look so good."

My turn to sigh, "Nothing major."

The corner of his mouth twitched, "So you keep your secrets and I keep mine, huh?"

"Yeah," I answered, annoyed with both of us, "looks that way."

He took some food and just as he was about to start eating exclaimed, "Oh! I nearly forgot to tell you! I'm going away on holiday Friday. I'll be away all of next week and won't be back before the Tuesday after that." Friday? The same Friday he was meeting that Paul jerk? Were they going on holiday together? Maybe they were dating.

The information irked me. I had gone from thrilled at seeing Ed after four days to annoyed at us keeping secrets to slightly depressed with his upcoming holiday. "Oh," was all I found to say.

He took a mouthful which he swallowed with difficulty before saying, "The office will be locked but you've got the key. Feel free to come by if your secret life becomes too much."

I didn't say anything, mulling over the information I had received. The next two weeks were going to be hell, what with Bella trying to weasel information out of me on top of it.

After a long while, I put the plate down and sort of blurted out, "You wouldn't want to come grab a drink with me before you leave?" I tried to keep the desperation out of my voice, but wasn't altogether successful.

He looked genuinely sorry when he said, "I can't ... I have much too much work to deal with before I leave."

I nodded, feeling a ball form in my throat. I looked down at my food but found I wasn't hungry at all any longer. I was actually very tempted to just scamper out of there.

"But we'll go as soon as I come back if you want!" He offered kindly.

I managed a small smile "Cool, thanks."


	7. Impossible to hold it all Inside

**7. Impossible to hold it all inside**

I was gazing at myself in the mirror, just like I had the day all this started. This time though, I was looking at a full body mirror, and what I was seeing wasn't pleasing me. I looked somewhat younger, but that was only because my expression wasn't fitting for a funeral any longer.

I was standing in the bathroom in a pair of grey boxers, and I couldn't help but think that I _really_ would have needed to take up jogging. Now I was going out with Edward and it was too darn late. Not that I was hoping for anything to happen, but... well... being in a good shape and looking good couldn't hurt my chances, right? I ran a very critical eye on my reflection and made a few notes: invisible abs, loosening pecs, flabby ass. I scrunched my face up; if I wanted to get it on with a hot guy, I really needed to get myself to a gym.

Huffing, I went to the bedroom to put something on for our night out. Bella thought it was a simple boys' night out... I just didn't think it was worth mentioning that there were only two boys, who happened to both be into guys and also happened to be ex-lovers.

Edward came back from holiday yesterday and I immediately reminded him of his promise. To my relief, he had readily agreed – so here I was. I wasn't sure if I was hoping for anything in particular to happen in the relaxed atmosphere of a pub after a few drinks. The only thing I did know was that I had started to crave a man in my life; and not just that, but I was craving sex with a guy.

Hell, a man has needs, and now that mine weren't met by my wife any longer... it had been about three weeks since I had gotten off, and although I wasn't nearly as obsessed as during my teen years, I couldn't say it hadn't been on my mind. I wanted to hold someone strong in my arm; I wanted to feel a hard dick against me.

I squared my jaw; it wouldn't do to project these needs onto Edward, it just wouldn't be fair to him. Plus I probably didn't have a chance in hell... still, he knew I was gay, I knew he was gay. I wouldn't need to come out to him. I couldn't deny that I thought he was still sexy as hell... he looked older of course, but he was still in his prime years. He had gotten more muscular, but retained his lean form and the same aura of power emanated from him. He still had that Dominant's expression that made me feel so damn safe... and so damn aroused.

I shook my head; I needed to focus on the now and the here. I had to find something suitable to wear! I flicked through every single pair of pants I had, but not a single one was good enough. They were all either too tight since they were from my fit years, or too business-oriented or not classy enough.

I grunted and marched to the attic, where I knew Bella had stored some of my clothes she didn't like. The first pair of pants was the right one; slightly low-hanging navy blue jeans. I half-ran back to the bedroom to try them on and as I hoped they weren't too bad. Good thing my wife wasn't home or I wouldn't be able to act all frantic like a teenager going on his first date. The pants were quite nice, but my waist wasn't what it had once been.

I rifled through all my tops, but this time wasn't as lucky. I had hoped for something tight to wear, but that just showed my absence of muscle. I groaned, the pants weren't tight either! I was meeting up with a gay hotty for Fuck's sake; I couldn't wear my straight dating stuff! There were a few shirts that weren't too bad, but most were either too large and didn't give a single hint of pecs or were so tight they showed my absence of abs. I finally went with a grey button down, feeling disappointed with my choice.

I wanted the night to go perfectly; I felt as though this was a test and if I wanted more nights out with Edward I needed to pass. One simple week without him was like diving back into my old life, like a cold shower. I wasn't certain about many things, but I knew this: I was going to do my best and fight to keep him in my life. I didn't know what I was _really_ expecting, but I wanted him there as a friend... at the very least.

* * *

We were meeting up at a fancy pub in Piccadilly; I was outside waiting for him, about ten minutes early. One or two people gave me looks, probably recognizing who I was, but my stomach fluttered so much that I couldn't concentrate on anything. I was avidly looking around, hoping, _wishing_ to see Edward's rebellious copper hair stand out. My phone was clutched in my right hand and I dreaded it would buzz with a text announcing a no-show. People were streaming around me, hurrying in the warm summer evening air.

Minutes stretched and I kept glancing at my watch, eager for the hands to reach nine o'clock yet dreading that the fateful hour would arrive and pass without any sign of Edward. My heart leapt when I finally caught sight of him, a few minutes before nine. I had a hard time not staring; he had gone for extremely tight white pants and a shirt just as tight the same copper colour as his hair. I bit the inside of my cheek, wanting to treat him as a boyfriend and jump on him.

He jogged to me as soon as our gazes crossed and exclaimed, "Hey!" with a shiny smile. He was carrying one of those plastic bags that you'd receive when clothes' shopping.

"Hey..." I replied nervously, both hands determinedly planted in my pockets to avoid the urge to hug him.

He looked cooled down by my less than welcoming attitude and frowned, "You alright?"

I managed a smile, "Course! Want to go in?" I was eager to get a drink; I needed to relax. It was difficult though; all the reasons for marrying a woman and steering clear of men hit me like a brick wall. I was feeling increasingly nervous that anyone would guess I was gay... no, nervous was the wrong word, terrified was more correct.

"Actually, I have a better idea. Trust me?" He asked, probing.

A wave of adrenaline washed over me and I felt my heart thump loudly. A grin stretched on my face, I was feeling like a teenager ready for some fun; the kind that wasn't completely legal. "Let's go!"

"Come on!" He whipped around and turned into an empty alley.

I jogged to catch up, before using some of that adrenaline to muster the courage to say, "You look really good."

"Thanks." He eyed me critically before asking, "Been a while, huh?"

I chuckled nervously, his insight was unnerving. "Yeah... all of my clothes are either for business or leisure."

He hummed, before smirking and saying cheekily, "One too many beers, too." He patted my belly once, making the layer of fat there much too evident.

I blushed furiously and mumbled, "No time to go to the gym anymore." The adrenaline had long since left, leaving me feeling hollow and down. I wasn't so sure this evening was a good idea any more.

Edward must have noticed, because he put a strong arm around my shoulders, gave a hearty squeeze and said in a low voice, "I'm kidding, Jacob, didn't mean to sound that insulting." He stopped us in the middle of the alley and opened his plastic bag, revealing a navy blue hoodie and a large pair of sunglasses.

"Here, put this on!" I took the hoodie and the glasses, looking questioningly at him.

"I'm going to make sure you spend a night to remember. Now put this on to make sure no one can recognize you!" He was grinning from ear to ear. His mood was infectious, despite feeling moody a couple seconds earlier, I couldn't help but smile shyly and put the clothes on, pulling the hood up and putting the glasses on.

"You gonna explain?" I asked, certain he'd deny me an answer.

"Nope, but I sure hope you're going to like the surprise!" With that, he took hold of my elbow and led me on.

I didn't focus on where he was taking me – that is, until I saw the large sign 'G-A-Y' of one of London's famous gay clubs. It was like an electric spark coursing through me; Edward had brought us into Soho, in the heart of the gay district.

I let him take me away from the club before planting my feet firmly and stopping us in the middle of the street, whispering angrily, "Ed, what the fuck are we doing here?"

He smiled and put an arm around my shoulders. "We're here to have fun, and don't worry, no one will recognize you, just trust me, I've got it all planned." He pulled me forward and I reluctantly followed. It didn't take long before Edward steered us towards a discreet bar; he flashed a ticket to the bouncer who nodded after giving me a suspicious look.

I was stiff as a board, wondering how the hell Ed could expect me to relax and have fun, particularly considering everyone was staring at my hoodie and glasses. I didn't have to wait; we entered a quiet, private room.

"It's alright; you can take all that off since I booked the VIP room for just us tonight. I'm going to get us something to drink, what do you want?"

"Hum, Guinness, please." I sat on a comfy couch nervously, trying to process everything. I peered around and satisfied that no one could possibly see me, I pulled the hoodie over my head. I felt stiff and awkward though, and again doubted this was a good idea; I started to wish I had stayed home.

Edward reappeared with the drinks, "Cheers!" and we took a few long gulps. The alcohol felt good, I could already feel the dulling of my senses, and my posture relaxed. Edward turned to a stereo and put on some music with a good beat.

Ed handed me a shot of brown liquor, speaking loudly over the song. "Down it and let's dance!"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath; this was something I hadn't done in much too long a time. I drank the rum and turned towards Edward, who was dancing slowly and staring intently at me as though waiting for me to make a move. For one moment, I felt like a diver about to jump; then I decided that I needed to let go. I let the music in and started swinging my hips to the beat, before letting the music spread in me, my body following, knowing perfectly well what to do.

Edward turned the volume up and suddenly there was only him and the song. I let my mind go blank and we danced, making occasional pauses to take another shot or a gulp of cold beer. Sometimes we'd take turns, watching the other dance eyes closed. At other times our bodies would be inches from each other, and I could smell the strong eau de cologne that wafted from him, making me tingle all over. One time, there was a song perfect for a slow dance and Edward gently placed his hands on my hips before stepping in time. My mind was extraordinarily blank, and it was sheer bliss. I couldn't even remember ever feeling this peaceful.

It all went by much too quickly. Before I knew it, we were sitting on the same couch, a respectable foot between us. I was feeling deliciously tipsy, head lolling with the low music, legs smarting from the unusual effort. We had long since resorted to cocktails.

Edward was sipping his, looking lost in thoughts. There was a question I was burning to ask, but I didn't want to ruin the mood we had going, and I knew I didn't have a right to pry. Still, alcohol lowers inhibitions so I asked, "Edward?" He turned his head to me and I carried on, "You know, I read those letters... and... there's something... I – I just... I need to know. You mentioned suicide watch in your first letter."

He smiled gently, and I breathed, relieved he wasn't about to chop my head off. "And you want to know if you leaving me in that hospital bed made me suicidal?" I nodded.

He sighed softly and put his glass down, before bringing his legs up to sit cross-legged on the sofa and turning his body to face me. "I won't deny that there were some very dark times, but it never went that far. Emmett was worried because I let it slip that I didn't know what to live for any longer. Everything seemed so... pointless. But no, I never considered it. My best friend Emmett and my parents were there, if anything I could live for them."

I hung my head in shame and whispered, "I can't begin to express how sorry I am."

He hummed; I looked up just as he shrugged for himself, "I used to be furious with you. Now I'm just sad it didn't work out."

I swallowed thickly, before asking the second question that had been on my mind for weeks. "Are you happy now?"

"I've got a good job, I'm going to be rich and I've got someone to stand by my side for social events. What more could I ask for?" His answer struck way too close to home for me to be fooled by his deflection; no, he wasn't.

Should I call him on his half-lie? I was about to make my mind up when he suddenly exclaimed, "My turn!" I bowed my head to him, fair is fair. "Why are you still so afraid of coming out?"

I winced and looked away, before saying nonchalantly, "You saw what the tabloids said about my fucking up that deal, what would you think they'd say if I came out?"

"Oh come on! It cost me to tell you that bit about difficult times, tell me the truth!"

I still couldn't face him "I told you the truth. I'm scared about what other people will think and say. I'm sure you remember how much appearances matter to me. And you know, Dad might have been ok with my not being straight, but he never truly accepted it. He lived with it. So I did what everyone expected, I dated girls and acted like none of it had ever happened."

"So whoever you're with doesn't know you're gay, which is why you nest in my office, is that it?"

I swallowed, "Who said I was with someone? Besides, I already told you, except Emmett and the boyfriend he had, no one but you knows about me."

"Knows what about you, Jacob?"

I felt my insides churn as I uttered the words I had come to hate in a shaky voice, "I'm gay." I looked at my lap, feeling my face heat up. I felt him move and a tentative arm around my shoulders; I let my head fall on his shoulder and sighed in relief.

"Jacob, you don't have to be ashamed about being gay, you know."

"I wish that were true."

"I always hated your dad for making you feel like that. Look at me, Jacob." The dominant tone of his voice made me look up at him shyly. He had a fierce expression when he said, "We're gay, Jacob. Gay and proud! You can't live in the shadows. People think that knowing they're gay is enough to be happy. They're wrong. To be happy you need to be able to stride on the road head held high. You're gay, Jacob, say it again."

"I'm gay." I said voice stronger. My insides still burned in humiliation but I was looking at Edward who radiated with pride as he always had, and it gave me strength.

"Hell yeah you are!" He handed me my glass, picked his up and raised it, "To Jacob Black, gay and soon to be proud!" I chuckled and drank.

"You know, next year you're coming with me to the Gay Pride, there's a reason it's called that, and I swear it'll make you feel better about yourself."

I nodded, determined, enough with living a lie. "I'm gay." I said to myself, "Gay and proud." I felt his arm tightening around my shoulders in a comforting motion. How I missed having someone to support me... how I missed feeling safe and relaxed, knowing there was someone you could count on at one hundred percent. I slowly let my head fall back on the strong shoulder, hoping to God Edward wouldn't complain; it was just too good.

I have no idea how long we stayed locked in the semi-embrace.

I replayed our conversation in my head. My eyes widened and I immediately asked in what I hoped was an unconcerned voice, "So who's the lucky guy standing by your side for social events?"

He chuckled. "That's private." Considering that I had deflected the quibble about Bella, I couldn't really complain.

After a while Edward sighed and said sadly, "I'm going to need to go home."

My heart clenched at the thought, I didn't want him to leave, and I didn't want to leave him. "We're comfortable here, no?" I asked, again trying to sound unconcerned – although this time I failed miserably.

"That's not the question. The bar closes in half an hour; it's almost 2AM..."

I bolted upright, "2AM?" I told Bella I'd be home before midnight! Shoot!

"Yeah, time makes a fool of us." Edward said, again with that touch of sadness. I stood and started looking for my shoes and socks, which I had kicked off at some point. Bella was going to ask questions... not good, not good at all.

"I'm going to pay and leave. I'll see you around." Edward called out with unbearable bitterness. I barely had the time to wheel around and catch him giving me a last glance before leaving. Trumped by his sudden disappearing act, I stood in the middle of the room with a shoe in my hand, staring at the door.

I blinked stupidly a few times before putting my shoes on as quickly as possible, throwing on the hoodie and glasses and storming out. It took a second for my eyes to adjust to the darkness in the bar, but there was no sign of Edward.

Feeling increasingly depressed, I walked out and hailed a cab; I'd have to get my car some other day when I wasn't drunk. Once safely in the black cab, I let my thoughts wander. What wouldn't I have given to be able to walk out of that room holding Edward's hand, sitting snuggled up against him in the cab which would bring us home where we would settle in bed together?

A few tears sprang to my eyes and I wiped them away. I was going home to Bella to undergo interrogation, to settle down in the bed as far as possible from her. I felt a surge of self-loathing; how had I let it all turn out like this? How had I never grown the balls needed to say out loud 'Gay and Proud'? Why did I need an ex-boyfriend to help me with that?

"I'm such a failure." I muttered in the back of the cab.


	8. The Party

**8. The Party**

"Marc, I'm so glad you could be with us tonight." I welcomed warmly the guest that had just arrived.

"Thank you Mr Black, it's always an honour to come!" Marc answered rather formally. I smiled and waved him in.

Every year I held a... well, you couldn't call it a party, a gathering. At first it had been a simple event for the company's managers, but it had grown into quite a _thing_. Now it was one of the 'events of the year' as the tabloids put it, all the rich, powerful and influential trying to get an invite. It was the perfect way to get to talk to me without having to make an appointment or whatever.

No, I was being a bit cynical. Most people had a really good time, and it was actually quite fun to host. I was only being wry because like every year I was at the door, welcoming people. It was a good way to greet and meet everyone, but this particular year I was waiting for one guest that had not yet arrived; and I was getting quite antsy.

I peeked out into the chilled October evening air, but there was still no sign of the untidy copper hair. About a month had gone by since that pub night and things had gotten better – and worse at the same time. Edward and I had been out to pubs a few more times, but he had kept to straight 'regular' ones, and when I offered to invite him back in that private VIP room he refused politely. I had come to wonder if he wanted to avoid the close proximity it had led to or his opening up to me ever so little.

Whatever it was, I was quite bent on getting both back; and more. For the last two weeks I had fallen asleep thinking of the strong arm around my shoulder. I had also tried to pry discreetly, asking questions about his past and such but he remained closed air-tight. I couldn't stop thinking about sitting together on the couch, almost cuddling like a couple. I was growing quite desperate to have that again; my mind was filling desperately quickly with fantasies – even as far as feeling his naked body pressed against mine in bed.

I knew it wasn't a good idea, I knew that it was unfair to him, but I couldn't help it. Edward embodied everything I loved, and to top it all I didn't have to hide anything when around him. I had honestly tried to stop myself from falling for him; even going so far as trying to fantasize about my wife - but nothing seemed to work. Finally, I had more or less given into temptation, and now I was letting myself enjoy his presence.

Still, I wanted more. I had been going to the gym for the past month, every other day, and my body was slowly trimming. It wasn't nearly as good as I wanted it to be, but I knew it would take some time. I had also gone through the horrendous task of clothes' shopping with Bella, before realizing she had the wrong tastes. Nothing she wanted me to buy would ever please Edward, so I had gone back alone and shopped to my heart's content.

All of this leading to the party; I had put quite a lot of hope in it. As every year, the company had reserved a majestic room in Chelsea, as well as bedrooms for whoever didn't want to take a cab home. It just so happened that one of those bedrooms – the master suite – was booked for me. Despite the fact that I lived about five blocks away, I had told Bella I wasn't coming home that night. Thank God she never wanted to come to these things... it usually upset me, but this time I couldn't be happier.

I knew I was being unreasonable, I knew my plan would most likely not work, I knew I might even ruin the whole friendship we had going, but I was going to try to get Edward up in that room and damn the rest to hell. There was more than enough alcohol to get us both tipsy and careless, and my sexual drive was more than enough to make me very forward.

I shivered, trying not to think about what could happen if things went well. I couldn't afford to get a hard-on! Still, images were flashing in my mind, Edward telling me what he wanted and me pleasing him in every way I could.

So far, my plan hadn't worked out as well as I'd hoped. Firstly, I wasn't nearly as muscular and hot as I'd hoped. Sure, my belly had retreated some, but my abs were barely visible, my ass was still way too flabby and the general toning of my muscle was far from enough. Secondly, I had foolishly thought I'd be able to use the clothes I had bought. I had planned on using the tight black pants that clung very nicely to my ass and hung low on my waist as well as a very tight blood red button-up shirt.

Unfortunately, I had completely forgotten that it would be a suit-and-tie event, so I had had to make do with my usual attire which did really _not_ flatter my body. I looked mundane just like everybody else and I knew very well that Edward wouldn't spare so much as an appreciative glance. He always looked for the one who had the courage to stick out, that much I remembered.

I welcomed another few guests and glanced at my watch; it would be time for my speech in fifteen. Maybe he wasn't coming? My heart dropped at the thought, I felt like all this was for him, so if he didn't show... I squirmed at the door for another few minutes until I had no choice but get to the podium for my short speech.

"Everyone, please, may I have your attention!" I called out, once standing slightly above the guests "Thank you for coming tonight, it's always a pleasure to host the event. I'll just take a minute and then you can go back to getting drunk!" Most chuckled heartily at that. "Now, as you know, Black's Energies' has two main departments, health and energy. A couple weeks back, we merged our energy research department with that of BP. We haven't released any of this to the press yet, but we're looking for young innovating companies or people to inject some fresh blood, so to speak, and try to boost this field. If anyone is interested, please contact the deputy CEO in charge of Research for information on how to apply.

"Also, we are going to set-up projects with universities in London, all this in an effort to develop new energies both for cars and electricity production. Now, here's the crusty information for you guys, we want partnerships with car companies to promote clean energies. We'll open bids officially in a couple weeks, but anyone here representing such a company is invited to discuss it with their board and get back to my deputy CEO in charge of Business ASAP."

The room started to buzz with excitement and I had to raise my voice, "That's all, now please enjoy yourselves, there's more than enough alcohol to keep us all happy and the hotel has prepared some delicacies in case you're craving sugar. Thank you!" I stepped down under the applause, happy with myself. The energy department would probably have a nice little boost before the end of the year, and seeing as I was the official owner of the newly merged research departments, any patterns would be in my company's name. It had taken a long while to convince BP, but it was certain it'd be well worth it.

I ducked the throngs of people who were lining up to talk to me and swiftly made my way to get a drink. Once armed with a large glass I'd have to dive into the swarm of politics... without Edward it all seemed horridly boring and useless.

I arrived at the large clothed table and one of the servers handed me a glass of Champagne. I took a long gulp and sighed lowly. A couple people were already inching not-so-discreetly towards me and trying to catch my eye. I was about to engage the first one when I heard, "Black!"

I wheeled around; Edward was striding towards me, looking very smart in his dark green suit. I noticed a few people scowling at my friend, either because of his less than polite way or because he had dared to engage me first when no one else had.

I met him half-way and we walked towards an empty corner before saying anything, "I thought you weren't coming!"

He sighed, "I know, sorry, but to be honest, it wasn't my fault, I was waiting for –"

"Hey, Ed!"

The Paul character was jogging towards us, getting quite a few looks too; though he was just as oblivious as Edward. Even though I didn't like the Latino, it was incredibly refreshing to have those two here because they didn't care about norms or etiquette - no need for all the hypocritical stuff with them.

Paul came to stick himself to Edward, an arm around his shoulder, who put an arm around Paul's shoulders in return, smiling at his partner. A stab of jealousy pierced my heart and I had to school my features to avoid glaring openly at Edward's _friend_. I had quite forgotten the invites mentioned a 'plus one', but I had also forgotten Edward had someone to 'stand by his side at social events'.

"Jacob, may I present Paul Lahote. Paul, this is Jacob Black, the host." We shook hands, although it might as well have been a hand-crushing contest. No need to mention I lost pitifully and had to hold my hands behind my back to hide the cradling; I really needed to build up muscle. Paul was wearing a slick black suit with the tightest white shirt I had ever seen. The black pants weren't as tight but still hugged him in all the right places. My eyes must have widened comically when I caught a hint of a collar around Paul's throat. _They were in a D/s relationship?_

Jealousy washed over me again, at ten-fold the strength of the first time. I had to bite back an animal growl; _get your hands off of Edward!_ I took another good long look at Paul. He was incredibly muscular, arms bulging naturally, suit straining around the shoulders and his bull's neck, shirt moulding his impressive pectorals and abs. It was decided; I was going to go to the gym every day, maybe even twice a day.

"This is great, Jacob, I've had people approach me already! I never come to this kind of upper class farce, but I must admit I was wrong, it's very good for business!"

I fixed a pleasant smile on my face, trying to hide my boiling anger. Paul smirked victoriously and whispered, "I hope the rooms are soundproofed, because I'm going to be screaming tonight, when this one rams himself into me." Edward rolled his eyes and mock cuffed Paul on the back of the head.

I managed to mutter, "Well, I hope you have fun," before scampering away, my hands shaking slightly in rage. Slick bastard! Who the hell did he think he was? I had half a mind to have Paul thrown out by security! I took another large gulp of Champaign and some random business man approached me cautiously.

I reeled myself in and switched back to the Jacob Black I had been all those years, the fake one who pretended to be happy and extremely interested in his company: the one who wasn't gay, who was in love with his wife and the one who pretended not to be utterly miserable.

* * *

People seemed to finally have had talked to me to satisfaction. My head was buzzing and I had been texting Leah a number of times to make sure I didn't forget important information – one of those texts asked her to find me a good gym, the one I was going to being rather disappointing.

I needed a minute alone. I made my way to the kitchens which would be empty at this hour. Only when I was in a deserted corridor did I deliver a hard kick to the wall and exclaiming, "Fuck it!" I was seething at that Paul guy, and at myself. How could I fucking fall for Edward of all people? Why, why?

I squared my jaw and stopped halfway to the kitchen; getting angry wouldn't solve anything, I'd just end up messing something up. I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to control myself. Edward seemed to be happy with his boy-toy, the best I could do was have him there as a friend – nothing more. Nothing more, nothing more, nothing more. He deserved to be happy, and I certainly wasn't going to fuck it up for him.

Slightly calmer, I pushed the heavy door, but froze as I heard voices, "That's right boy, you look absolutely gorgeous like this."

A low moan and "Thank you, sir."

Paul and Edward. What the hell were they doing in the kitchens? I edged forward slowly, looking around for the two men. What I found had me stunned for a few seconds. Paul was on all fours on a steel surface, stark naked safe for the discreet grey collar I had glimpsed at earlier. He was lit by the eerie red of a heating lamp which hung just above him and was slick with what had to be some kind of oil, skin shining. Every muscle stood out, shining in the red light.

Damn – 'absolutely gorgeous' was a hell of an understatement! He was facing away from me at three quarters and something struck me; he looked remarkably like what I used to look like in my younger years. He had the same short cropped hair in spikes, under the lamp he had the exact same skin colour as I did, and although he wasn't as massive as I used to be he still had an impressive set of muscles. From the distance I could barely make out his cock which was drawn up against his abs, dripping, although I couldn't tell if it was oil or precum.

Edward was standing behind him, stark naked too, slowly caressing Paul's rump as one would a horse. I drank in all of Edward's features, the strong but pale back that melted into a firm muscular ass and lean legs without the smallest trace of fat. He turned slightly and I got a view of his front, lean yet impressively defined pecs and abs, rosy nipples; the pale cock was standing proudly at attention, a slightly over-average 7 inch yet thick one.

"Spread your cheeks boy." Edward commanded and Paul hurried to obey. I got a full view of the quivering pink hole which too was slick with oil.

My own cock was already painfully hard and as I adjusted myself through my pants I had to prevent a long moan from escaping. Fuck, Edward had always had a skill for the unexpected and a hell of an imagination when it came to sex. God how I wished I were the one on all fours on that cooking surface, with those expert hands slowly bringing me apart! The thrill of the public sex... feeling hot and slick with sweat and oil under the heating lamp; Paul was probably on cloud nine!

I kept a hand around my cock, very slowly rubbing myself, feeling just a tad bit voyeuristic – after all, that was one of the risks of public sex, surely they knew it! Fuck I wanted to strip on the spot and demand to be treated the same, I was certain Edward could take care of two submissives at once! As long as I got that pale cock up my ass he could do whatever he wanted to me...

Edward was rubbing his thumb forcefully against Paul's entrance, who was pushing back and letting out small moans. The finger circle the hole for a little while before it was sucked into the hole to the first knuckle. Edward palmed his cock slowly and I couldn't prevent a low whimper from escaping my lips; I would be naked and on my knees in under a second if he let me. I wanted to suck that cock, lap at it with my tongue and hear Edward groan in pleasure as he fisted my short hair and abused my mouth.

I shook myself out of the fantasies and focused on the scene before me. Edward had two fingers up Paul's ass and was slowly fucking him with them. His other hand was teasing Paul's cock, stroking slowly. I could remember exactly how it felt to be in Paul's position, the sensations that slowly become too much, feeling drowned in pleasure, that exquisite feeling of being able to let go completely... if only I could put myself in someone's care and hand over all control like that. Now that I thought about it, I couldn't think of anything better; lie back, enjoy, no need to think or do anything.

"Sir, please fuck me." Paul drawled when Edward had three fingers up his ass. I wasn't able to watch any more, I turned back silently and made my way to the master suite – I really needed some alone time. My cock was steel hard and I needed to get into the shower badly. I didn't want to watch Edward fuck someone else; somehow it felt like Bella cheating on me all over again. I knew that I was wrong but I still wanted him for myself and it stung to know he was happy with another man.

My mind felt fogged by all the hormones, it was difficult to have coherent thoughts. All I could feel was jealousy, lust and desire. Lust was all-powerful though; I had never been able to fight it and was still not able to.

I barged into my bedroom, locked the door behind me and made a bee-line for the bathroom. I turned the water on in the gigantic shower and stripped quickly, coming very close to ripping my clothes apart when they wouldn't come off obediently.

I all but jumped under the hot stream of water when I was finally down to my boxers, sat down in the five centimetres of hot water and closed my eyes, letting the stream fall onto my chest and run down. I took myself in hand and gave one tug stifling a "Fuck!" It had been years since I had needed to jerk off, God had I forgotten how good it felt... as opposed to Bella, I knew my body well.

I stroked myself lazily and let images fill my mind.

"_That's it Jake, close your eyes and feel my hand on your skin." His voice was deep and dripping with power just as I remembered it. I moaned lowly as Edward massaged my oiled back. I was on all fours on that kitchen table, with the red light overhead heating me up deliciously. There was the reassuring weight of the heavy black leather collar which was strapped around my throat, but apart from that I was naked._

_His skilled hands made their way down to my ass, gripping the two ass globes hard and kneading them. I felt him slowly open me up, exposing my hole to the air. He poured oil onto my back and it trickled down to my ass, slicking my asshole up for my Dominant._

"_Spread your legs for me, Jake." I eagerly obeyed and was rewarded by an oily hand stroking my hair gently and "Such a good boy for me."_

I felt myself approach climax and had to slow down so as to prolong my fantasy. I planted my legs firmly in the bath and spread my legs, feeling my ass cheeks part. Water poured down and I inched a hand between my legs, touching myself in that place which used to have me quivering with need. It was itching to be opened up, to have a hard cock rammed inside, making the sphincter burn deliciously as the member hit my sweet spot.

"_D'you like that, boy, my fingers slowly opening you up?" His index was firmly rooted in me and I started fucking myself on it._

_He hummed, "Such a needy boy for me. What do you want, Jake?" He drawled, adding a second finger and pressing them firmly against my prostate, making me see stars._

"_Your cock sir, please give me your cock, I want it so bad!" I begged shamelessly as I continued fucking myself on his fingers. _

One finger was slowly penetrating me, but without any useable lube it was made difficult. I was also a bit hairy down there, which made the whole process even more awkward; I swore to start shaving myself again. Still, I pressed on, desperate to reach my prostate and feel that bliss for the first time in sixteen years; being filled while having a hard member on the spot that used to have me delirious with need. I twirled my finger around all I could, but there were no stars dancing in front of my eyes.

Suddenly I felt thoroughly stupid, alone in the shower of a hotel room fingering myself. My cock waned rapidly and I was left sitting numbly, hot water cascading over my chest. I stood up and left the shower, dripping. I braced my hands on the sink in the bathroom and took a good long look at myself and I realized my mind was filled with a single, simple question. Why bother?

I was sick of it all. I had been living a hollow life for sixteen years, and had just had the proof there probably wouldn't be a foreseeable end to it. All these years, I had been drowning in my own guilt, and now that I had realized it, I wasn't even sure I wanted to fight to get back to the surface. Why bother?

It wasn't like I had someone who loved me, who knew me and was there for me. I didn't have any family left and my wife was a spiteful, cheating creature. The one true friend I had seemed very happy without me in his life, and if I ever gave into my feelings it'd just ruin everything for the both of us. What was I supposed to do? Continue to pretend? Pretend that I loved my friend like a friend, that I loved my job and wife? Why bother?

My eyes fell on the little orange bottle of prescription sleeping pills I had gotten a while back. It was full to the brim, seeing as I'd never touched them. It would be painless and quick... falling asleep never to wake up again. I'd be able to let it all go, stop fighting. I wouldn't have to turn my life around or pretend I was happy, or even had been for the last few years. I wouldn't have to witness the man for whom I was falling for at an alarming speed be happy with someone that wasn't me.

I was so tired of it all... I didn't see an end to it... and I had been utterly miserable for longer than I cared to remember. Hand clutching the small bottle tightly, I backed up to the wall and slid down until I was sitting naked on the cold tiled floor. Tears had started to trickle down my cheeks.

If I took those pills, who would care, really? Bella would get all my money, and I felt quite certain she'd be just fine. Edward might be a bit sad, but he'd have his lover and submissive to cheer him up, and before two months were up I'd be forgotten. No one cared, really. It'd make headlines in the news for a couple days; the tabloids would have a field day uprooting my entire life to offer in sacrifice to the obscenely rabid readers with macabre indecency.

The board would elect a new CEO, and before long nobody would remember the young Native American who had led them before taking his own life. With one hand, I popped the bottle open, and the pills in it rattled. I'd just need to down half of it... I'd fall asleep in under five minutes... I'd be cold and stiff as a board within two hours...

My heart lurched at the thought of finally being allowed an exit. Oh, how I had always craved a way out, without even really being consciously aware of it. I raised the bottle to my mouth, ready to down the contents in a few gulps.

I'd probably be in a body bag before the night was out and incinerated as my will stipulated, before being spread over the soil above my parents' graves. It was all so mundane, so pointless, whoever cared?

It was like Edward had said _'Everything seemed so... pointless_' I shook my head, however did he find the strength to carry on? I tipped the bottle into my waiting mouth, and a few pills dropped in. He had said '_But no, I never considered it. My best friend Emmett and my parents were there, if anything I could live for them._'

I froze, mouth now crammed with pills. One swallow and it'd all be over, but a thought had just occurred to me. Edward hadn't even considered it, and my grievances paled in comparison with what he had had to live with... his biological parents abandoning him to die in the forest at age three... being raped and given up on by the one person who was supposed to support him; and who knew what else had happened to him over the years?

I shivered all over and stood up abruptly, before spitting all the pills out down the sink. I raised my eyes to meet my own gaze in the mirror, "You can do this."

I felt filled with new certainty and purpose. Edward had managed, I would too. He was there for me as a friend, and if anything, I'd live for that. I could re-build myself, I could fall in love again, I could be happy. He would support me, I knew he would.

With a loud snarl, I hurled the bottle with the remaining pill to the mirror, cracking it. "You can do this." I repeated in a much louder voice. If I fell in love with Edward, I would simply try to make him fall in love with me again. It was well worth it, and I was better than I had been, I was more mature; this time I was strong enough to stand by his side no matter what.

Despite coming very near to committing suicide, I felt strong. I was going to make this life work. People with a lot more pain and suffering pulled through; there was no reason why I wouldn't be able to.

"You can do this!" I roared to the cracked mirror.


	9. A Fresh stab at Life

**9. A fresh stab at life**

A week after the events at the hotel, the world was spinning as it used to be. To be completely honest, it was quite horrifying to realize just how easy it was for me to return to the routine.

If I thought one could skirt with death and brush the incident off though, I was wrong. It was stupid how it happened, really; I was at home watching the news with Bella and they were reporting on some random kid who had committed suicide after years of bullying.

Up until then, I had been going to the gym every day, going for lunch with Edward as often as possible – basically doing everything the same; my biggest worry had been trying to avoid Bella's hungry gaze for the body I was shaping.

When the reporter mentioned that faceless kid like an off-handed comment, it tore at my heart; this kid I didn't know had been defeated by society. He probably had similar thoughts to mine; wondering who, really, would care, wondering what the point was in trying to carry on fighting for life.

I stood up and marched out; it felt like I was going to suffocate in that pricey uncomfortable living room with the unfaithful wife. I walked out into the cold October evening air and took a deep breath, sitting down on one of the uncomfortable garden chairs Bella had bought because they were so trendy.

I had come ridiculously close to committing suicide.

That was a chilling fact to say the least. It wasn't so much the dying part that was scary, more the thought that I'd felt _so_ miserable I had considered taking my own life to end the suffering. Surely my life wasn't that bad, right? It wasn't ideal, I had a lot of guilt weighing me down… but still, I had a great friend and I was well off.

Truthfully though, I couldn't say any of that was satisfying. No matter how much I ignored it or pretended otherwise, my heart was yearning for Edward. I sighed softly. How could I ask him to even consider me? I had wrecked his life and he had taken on a submissive. Aside from that, I was married for Fuck's Sake! How could I ever ask him to be with me?

"Jake? Are you OK?" I heard Bella yell from inside.

Heaving a deep sigh I went into the bathroom, "Fine, just taking a bath." I stripped slowly, taking time to take my reflection in, enjoying the sight that the full-body mirror was giving me. My abs and pectorals were finally sticking out, and I could pinch myself all I wanted, there really wasn't much fat left. I felt a strong surge of pride, something I could barely remember feeling. Somehow it felt like things were finally going right, despite the fact that I was stuck in the same situation.

No, I refused to think that things hadn't changed. I wanted out of that fucking closet, and I wanted to leave my wife to find someone who'd love the real me.

I decided that one thing had changed; my resolve, my take on things. I knew it would take time, but at least I was determined. Given the recent events, I thought that was pretty good; someone suicidal really wasn't determined to carry on with the fight; which meant I was feeling better.

I wanted a hot relaxing bath so I let the water run before closing and locking the door. It was a habit I had taken after Bella had tried to get into the shower while I was there, probably hoping for some intimate contact. I took my boxers off and had another good long look at myself. If I could be proud of something, it was of my body.

I refused to let Bella so much as see me naked if I could avoid it. I knew very well that my working out hadn't gone un-noticed, but I was not going to give her a single reason to get me into bed. My body felt like my very own private temple, and the last thing I wanted was to share it with _her_. If I had to be completely honest, there was only one person with whom I would be willing to share my body, and that person seemed to be in love with someone else.

It wasn't just my heart that was yearning for Edward. I had started feeling like a sex-craved demon whenever I was around my ex-lover. I hadn't allowed anything to happen with Bella for about two months, so my natural urges were starting to make themselves known. Not only that though, I felt like I was slowly reverting to my teen libido.

I tried really hard not to lock myself in the bathroom and jerk myself stupid on the simple memory of his clothed body and crazy fantasies, but twice in the last week the urge had just become too strong. A few times, I had come very near to throwing all caution to the wind and asking him to hook up. I didn't know what to do, and I was getting quite desperate.

The bath was full, so I turned off the tap and sank into the blissfully hot water. I saw that the handle of the bathroom door turned quietly, but since it was locked it didn't open. I waited, tensely, to see if Bella would demand I let her in but after a few minutes it seemed she preferred to pretend she wasn't aware I had locked the door.

I sourly wished I could wear something marking me as Edward's. If only he would offer me a collar. Not like the one that stupid Paul character had, but rather a large, expensive black leather one, with his named printed on it. I shook my head; one could only wish.

I hadn't given much thought to Edward's… partner. In my most masochistic moments, I imagined them deeply in love, but the little I knew tended to point to something else entirely. He was wearing a cheap and uncomfortable metal collar, Edward had said Paul was someone to show off during events, and he hadn't seemed that fond of his partner during the party.

Well, they had had sex in the kitchens, and it was probably a regular occurrence seeing as they couldn't keep it in their pants the time of my get together. Then again, I felt horribly horny myself, and if I ever ended up with a nice guy we'd probably end up fucking like rabbits too, so I really shouldn't comment.

Maybe I could prod carefully to see if Edward could find it in himself to give me another chance… maybe, just maybe. It seemed almost impossible, but if there was even only a tiny chance, wasn't it worth it? The years with him remained by far the best of my life.

And I had matured, I wasn't the same. I felt that if he needed me this time around, I would be able to stand by his side and help him to deal with whatever came our way. God only knew he deserved someone like that. I shrugged to myself, closing my eyes, deciding it was worth a shot; and in any case, the worst that could happen was that he would say 'no'.

* * *

Well, obviously nothing happened like I had planned. Not that I had really planned much….

I had just arrived at his office, and we were getting ready to eat the cold pasta salads I had brought. My insides were squirming slightly and I tapped the floor nervously with my foot. I didn't know how to make discreet inquiries and now that it came to it, I was quite certain Edward would see through me like a glass door.

So while I tried to come up with something clever, we ate, chatting about mundane subjects. Nonetheless, he was frowning slightly, and I couldn't help but wonder if he suspected something was up. I bit my lip, he had always had the talent to read me, and I was probably making my case worse by worrying.

Sure enough, it didn't take long before he asked, "What's up, Jacob? You look as tense as a coiled string."

I smiled and deflected, "Why don't you call me Jake like everyone who knows me does? You calling me Jacob makes me feel like we're strangers or something…." He hadn't called me Jake one single time, no matter how often I had asked him to. I had tried to come up with explanations, but I couldn't think of a single one; the most likely being that he didn't really like me, but he wouldn't have invited me over every day if that were true.

He chuckled, "You look really good by the way, been working out?"

I felt a huge grin spread on my face. Of course he would choose to deflect my own question with the one subject I was keen to discuss… he hadn't brought it up so far, and I had wondered if he had noticed at all. It seemed he had. "Yeah! I thought that it was well overdue. I probably don't look as good as I used to do when I played football, but, you know..."

He smiled. "Well, you didn't look too bad at all, but damn, I'd say you look at least as hot! You always had a boyish expression but you look very mature… plus you used to be almost hairless, which made you look really young, but now…." he trailed off, shaking his head slightly.

My heart started to hammer at the profusion of praise. I felt my cock stir in my pants and hormones cloud my judgement somewhat. I stood up and turned around slowly, commenting, "I still need loads of squats, my ass is still too flabby, and my thighs could do with some toning, too. I've been lifting weights and doing hundreds of sit-ups though." Edward was nodding, looking interested.

A crazy idea crossed my mind. I hesitated for a split second; I wasn't sure Edward would appreciate and it could make our friendship very awkward indeed… but I was on a high, both proud of Ed's comments and horny. I quickly undid my shirt and opened it before he could protest. I contracted my abs to make them pop out nicely.

If Paul was anything to judge by, Edward still had the same taste in tanned muscular men… maybe his restraint wouldn't hold? I shivered from head to toe at the thought. I took the shirt off completely and tried to comment unfazed, "See? I used to have a big belly, probably all the beer." I grinned, but my lame joke didn't make Edward smile. He was staring at my abs, face annoyingly neutral. I brought my fists down and contracted both my biceps and pectorals, growing quite desperate at Edward's lack of reaction. "I just need to get in a bit more work and I'll have my old body back!" My chest was heaving quickly; I was still excited, but also worried that I had made a wrong move entirely – Edward still had not so much as move his little finger.

Slowly, _very_ slowly, he stood up and circled around me, still with the absence of expression. He stopped in front of me, slightly too close for being just a friend. Staring at my pectorals, he breathed out in a very hoarse voice, "Yes, those efforts have paid off, I can't see much more to improve; you look close to perfect. I mean, you used to have this baby fat around the face but you've lost all of it. Now you're a real… man."

My cock was hardening at an alarming rate, and hormones were making me increasingly reckless. I could feel my pupils dilating as I took a small but confident step forward, bringing me almost chest to chest with Edward. My voice but a husky whisper, I let out, "Yeah, now I'm a man. I'm getting muscular… _all over_."

Edward squared his jaw and took a hesitant step back, backing himself into the wall. His voice was still very hoarse when he said, "Yes, I can see that."

I couldn't remember him looking so indecisive and… defenceless. I normally would have hated it, but at that precise moment I wanted to pounce on the chance. As a submissive, I was a natural bottom, but I wasn't adverse to topping either; and with Edward looking this frail, my thoughts were running wild. I could press myself onto him, and force him to feel the body I had sculpted for him. I could turn his back to me and take him like that, squeezed between the wall and my hard muscles.

I took a last step forward, and this time we were touching. I was deliberately brushing his groin with my evident erection, my thighs were pushing into his and our abdominals were touching. I looked into his eyes and found the black pupils more dilated than I could ever remember. I felt an instant of hesitation, I wasn't used to these games anymore; my dirty talk would be terrible; what could I possibly say now?

I opted for, "Want to see the rest of my body? I've sculpted the bottom part too…"

Edward's chest heaved, pressing into mine each time he took a deep breath. Neither of us spoke nor moved for a short time, I was waiting for the green light.

When it didn't come I inched my head towards his, ready to pluck his pale yet plump lips into a searing kiss. I was just about to let the animal in me loose when Edward came to life.

Somehow, he managed to slink around me, grab one of my arms and twist it behind my back. I found myself shirtless and rammed into the wall, with something very hard indeed digging into my ass. I gritted my teeth, the pain in my arm increasing as Edward brought it up using that formidable strength he had always managed to hide. His free hand stroked my side lightly, making me squirm as his fingers feathered my ribs on a ticklish spot. I clamped my jaw shut to prevent any sounds or words from escaping, determined not to show anything. He was playing with me and I hated to admit it but I relished it; there was nothing I wanted more than to hand over all control to him.

It was difficult to concentrate on anything. My mind was thickly fogged with a cloud of lust as Edward the Dominant tamed Jacob the submissive. I could feel his strength radiating, and it turned me on something terrible. He had overpowered me with ridiculous ease and deep down everything clicked into place. He could still control me; he could still be my Dominant as he once had been.

So many emotions washed over me that it was difficult to distinguish one from the other. I felt a sense of safety I couldn't even remember feeling as Edward made a show of his strength. I felt truly safe, like coming home, locking the door and creeping into a ball in bed. That was it, it felt like coming _home_.

I felt my resistance wane as I slowly reached those conclusions. This all felt so right, I had to feel like this again. I had this gut feeling that this was what I needed, this was the only way I would ever truly be happy. I had to convince him to take me back, whatever the cost.

"Edward…" I let out through gritted teeth, unable to express anything, unable to so much as form the coherent thoughts needed to explain what I felt.

I felt his hot breath on my neck as he whispered. "Like this, Jacob? You shouldn't play with fire; you never know what might happen."

I couldn't keep it inside any longer. I did what I hadn't done in sixteen years, I begged the Dom who was in complete control, "Please!"

"Please what?"

There were an unfortunate number of things I wanted, but I blurted the most pressing one, "Fuck me. Please, take me."

"Why?" This time it came as a growl, and he twisted my arm even more, making me yelp slightly in pain.

"I need it! I'm begging you! I'll do anything you want!" I pleaded, trying to keep a steady manly voice, but was reduced to whimpering.

"How?" again, a growl that turned me on so much that I started to relieve the pressure by rubbing myself on the wall.

"Like you fucked Paul!" I barked out before I could stop myself.

The pressure vanished so suddenly I fell flat on my ass. I crashed down from my sexual high, my cock shrinking rapidly. With a cold voice, Edward said, "So it was you. I thought I heard the door open…."

I scrambled to my feet and wheeled around, to find him slumped onto the couch, his neutral mask back on. I wanted to kick myself for slipping up this badly, but the occasion was too tempting, so I demanded to know, "What is it really between you two? What does he mean to you?"

He shrugged, looking at me as I sat down on the opposite couch, "He wants to be my full-time submissive, or house-boy, or whatever, but I won't let him. I don't have the time, and I'm not really interested. I made it clear it wasn't an exclusive relationship. It's like I said, I have someone to show off for events, but that's about it."

Edward was opening up if only a small crack, but I dived into it, "So you don't love him?" He shook his head and I pressed on, "Does he love you?"

He gave a slight snort, "Nah, he likes being with a famous Dom."

I frowned, "What?"

Edward flashed a crooked smile, "Google 'Dom Edward' and you'll see what I mean."

I made a mental note to do just that before focusing on the matter at hand. I gave him a long unblinking stare as I commented in a wavering voice, "You seemed pretty turned on back there."

The smile melted, replaced by a cold calculating look. After a short pause, he said in a slightly sneering voice, "Yes, you always did have that effect on me, didn't you?"

I bit my lip, trying to assert my options. In the end, I was much too tempted to resist whispering, "When I said I was ready to do anything, I was serious." I quickly went to sit on the table, facing Edward like he had done a few weeks back. "Since you don't care for Paul, there's nothing holding you back, is there?"

His eyebrows shot up. "Except for the fact that we're ex-boyfriends and that our history could probably fill a whole book you mean?"

I bit my lip again and decided to get daring, "I know you want to." I reached for his knee with one of my hands, and when he didn't pull back, I stroked it lightly with my thumb.

He sighed, "Yeah, I do. Unfortunately, I can't promise it won't ruin the friendship we have going, and I have to admit I've grown quite fond of it. Besides, there might not be a relationship holding me back, but what about you?" My heart quivered at his words; maybe he cared for me as much as I cared for him? Maybe there was a chance for me to be with him after all?

I looked away as I said, "There's no one holding my heart or my loyalty." Edward pursed his lips at that but didn't say anything for a while.

I kept stroking his knee, cherishing the contact he was allowing… if only he would let me straddle him, or hug him, or kiss him… but I waited courageously, aware that I was slowly handing him my heart on a golden platter. I was quite certain he knew I wanted more than sex, which was confirmed when he said softly, "I would take you up on your offer if I didn't think I'd hurt you. I can't offer you more than sex, and we both know you're out for more than that. You've been trying to get me alone at night for a while now, Jacob, don't think I haven't noticed. I made the mistake of letting you get near the first time we went out, and I thought we could do this friend thing, but I'm not so sure any more."

Could there really be sex without any feelings whatsoever, I wondered? If I accepted his offer of being friends with benefits, or whatever you wanted to call it, was I setting myself up for terrible heart-ache? Would I be falling in love while his heart remained stubbornly closed to my attempts at taming it?

In the end, it didn't really matter because I was first and foremost a horny man. "I don't care, Ed. Won't you just take me like you used to do? I've been fantasizing about it ever since I saw you doing it with… _him_."

"Let's not kid ourselves, Jacob; you know very well we'll both just want to do it again after that. I've still got the same sex-drive, and it seems you haven't changed either. Don't make it sound like it'd be a one-time thing to get me out of your system."

I let my hand move slowly up and down his thigh, enjoying the feel of the warm and taut skin, under those clothes I so desperately wanted to rip to pieces. "Why can't we just have a dinner together once and take it from there? I desperately want to keep you as a friend, you know that, you're the only one I can really talk to; so if you don't want this, just tell me and I'll back off. But if you want to have just a little more, like me, please tell me because this is torture for me." I wasn't able to keep a trace of the plea out of my voice.

He lifted his hand to my cheek and cupped it gently. I closed my eyes and leant into the touch, trying to ignore how much I was craving everything, from sex to contact to love.

"Alright," Edward said slowly, "come to my place; I'll cook us dinner and we can see what happens. I live at the same place I used to. But Jacob, for me this is about sex, so please don't expect more or you'll just get hurt."

I opened my eyes, wondering how much of a victory this really was, and whispered, "Thank you, Ed."


	10. A Sudden Transformation

**10. A Sudden Transformation**

Edward hadn't been able to give me an exact date for our night, but I didn't think he'd change his mind. Granted, it had got me wondering what other plans he had that made him so _busy_, but I really preferred not to go there; particularly after I Googled his name like he suggested.

To be honest, it was the first thing I had done when I got home, powering on my laptop and searching 'Dom Edward'.

When the results came up, I gasped. There were dozens of pages, all about Edward in his Dominant role – there was even a bloody Wikipedia page about him! I clicked onto the first page and was greeted with a large picture of him that made my mouth salivate. He was looking provocatively into the camera with the slight sneer he was so good at flashing. His hair was a flaming copper, maybe dyed for the picture. He was shirtless save for a sleeveless black leather jacket that gave a magnificent view of his abdominals. His chest was hairless, except for the hint of a happy trail which disappeared under the very tight black leather pants he was wearing. He was most probably hard judging by the size of his groin. The pants hugged his thighs in the sexiest way possible, and the finishing touches were the large black boots he had, with a pair of small black leather gloves. Under the article was a small caption:

'_This is the only picture of Edward dressed in his Dom attire. It used to figure on his blog, on which Edward posted tutorials and guides for good Dominants.'_

No need to say the erection that had subsided was back with gusto. I forced myself to read the article, however.

_Though Edward has never starred in any pornographic film, he remains a famous Dominant in London and New York. Only a couple months ago, Edward carved out a piece of the lucrative pharmaceutical market. Although his homosexuality will not come as a surprise to anyone, his sexual inclinations towards BDSM is something of a secret. _

I scrolled down towards the first section after the short introduction, labelled 'Edward – Gay and Proud.'

_He represented his company NeuroAction Labs himself with a few of his colleagues during the 2013 London Gay Pride. Those who saw him there might remember his group as one of the loudest and proudest in the Parade – which is no small compliment. Every year, Edward has supported the organizers by donating both time and money. He was also spotted at the 2010 New York Pride, in the company of a Latin man._

My heart sped up, here it was again, Ed's penchant for tanned men… at least I fit the profile. Then again, he had admitted that I turned him on – what else did I need? I skipped over the following two sections, labelled 'Younger years' and 'Education & Employments' jumping to 'Edward, the Dominant'.

_Edward, or Dom Edward as his recreational name goes, is a person surrounded by mist and mysteries. The little that is known is a mixture of rumours and facts recounted by numerous submissives that have been controlled by his capable hands. If anything is sure though, it's that Edward is one of the most skilled known Dominants, although he's also one of the most ruthless. More than one submissive bit off more than he could chew giving his body to Edward. _

_All the submissives who went into Edward's care and were tough enough to stay after the first scene agree to say that he is a caring and loving person behind the rough Dominant persona he generally displays in the New York S&M club where he sometimes can be spotted. Although many have hoped to be able to stay on with him as long-term submissives – or who knows, lovers – Edward never kept any of them for more than a few months._

_The rest is only rumours. It is said the Dominant got his heart broken in his younger years. Considering his taste for Latin or Native American men, it is possible the mysterious young man was from either of those origins. Some think Edward is, to this day, in love with the man from his teens, which would explain the Dom's reluctance to keep any of the submissives. Some have postulated that the young man died while in Edward's care although there is nothing to prove that, except submissives insisting their Dominant bore 'a heavy guilt and tried to do his best to cope by taking care of lookalikes.'_

I didn't move for a long while, pondering on the last paragraph of the article. I truly did not know how much of it was true, except the '_got his heart broken in his younger years'_. Was Edward feeling guilty? If so, why? He hadn't shown any guilt to me or in the letters…. Was he still in love with me? It seemed impossible, the last letters to Billy said he was moving on and getting better. I shook my head, dismissing the last part as a heap of wrongly founded rumours that would only torture me further.

* * *

It took a while before Edward invited me over. I waited an eternity for him to so much as mention our date in the following days. After three days of going for lunch in his office, I hadn't been able to take the hoping, the waiting and the disappointment as I left any longer. I had asked him in a would-be unconcerned voice if he still wanted to hook up. He'd told me that he wasn't free before the following week, but at least he had given me a date, making the waiting a lot easier.

In the meantime, I had to skirt around Bella's increasingly insistent attempts to have sex or weasel a date for my appointing a co-CEO of sorts. The board had finally gotten over the disastrous handling of Edward's drug, though they were still grumbling that we should prod to see if any other kind of deal was possible. The press had used a lot of ink writing about my party, but everyone was impressed with my attempts for a greener future, so no one found anything really negative to write; save for the rumour that I disappeared halfway through the party not to show up again.

I continued with the gym, though I was becoming rather satisfied with my looks, so I allowed myself to become laxed somewhat. I mean, if I looked good enough for Edward, that's all that really counted, right?

I shook my head, if one thing was certain; it was that I was falling hard for my ex-boyfriend. And now I was due to go to his place for dinner and steamy action, knowing it would all be 'sex without feelings.' Well, I wasn't going to try and fool anyone, for me it would be sex _with_ feelings. Still, it was better than nothing, right? And anyway, could there really be sex without any feelings whatsoever? I didn't think so; or maybe more accurately, I didn't want to believe so.

I shook myself out of these rather dark thoughts. I had been sincerely looking forward to doing this, and I was intent on enjoying every single second Edward would be willing to give me. Well, 'looking forward to' was a hell of an understatement, my whole body was thrumming with excitement every time I thought about it, which was quite often. There was one of my body parts in particular that was even more excited than the rest, but I had promised myself to leave it be; I wanted to get the full edge of it.

The week went by both horrifyingly quickly and desperately slowly. At times I caught myself staring at a clock wishing it would speed up by a factor of five – or ten. At others, I would get caught in a whirlwind of thoughts no matter how many times I swore not to torture myself like that. What if it was a total fiasco? What if I didn't please him and he didn't want a repeat performance? What if I got so nervous that I wouldn't be able to enjoy it?

Simultaneously, I was anxiously awaiting to be on that doorstep, ringing that bell and stepping into that flat; while on the other hand, I dreaded wearing the wrong outfit, bringing the wrong gift and leaving that flat with nothing to look forward to.

* * *

All this brought me to the here and now. I was standing in front of Edward's house, heart hammering excitedly and pins in my feet urging me on forward.

I didn't press on however; I was well ahead of time and waned to drink everything in, the memories washing over: the sounds, the sights, and the feelings. Bella thought that I had left for a business trip and wasn't due to come home for a couple of days, so she was sorted.

The house was a traditional London one, small shrubbery behind the oily black metal fence. I opened the small gate and entered the garden; it was well kept but not remarkable. It was a cold November evening, but I felt no rush to enter the warmth of the tall house.

Looking up, I noticed stars were veiled, but London lights tended to make them invisible in the night sky, not to mention the dreadful weather keeping the sky clouded most of the time. A few cars were steaming behind me at all speeds, but it was relatively quiet for a Thursday night.

A cold gust of wind made me shiver, and I turned my coat against the elements. I wasn't dressed particularly warmly as I was going for sexy instead of practical. I had crammed my thighs and ass into the tightest dark red pants I could find, and although it made it almost impossible to walk, I sincerely hoped Edward would enjoy the view – well, I probably wouldn't be able to sit, but I'd have to worry about that at another moment; no need to say that I had worn a large pair of sunglasses that prevented anyone from recognizing me.

Under my expensive sleek black coat, I had chosen a dark pink T-shirt, that I hoped, would highlight my tanned complexion. Granted, it was quite risqué, but I knew Edward valued that, and besides, I thought that I looked good. I had also taken quite some time to pick the right pair of shoes, but then I had remembered that his floor was carpeted, and that he would probably prefer me going bare-footed, so I had picked a non-descript pair of solid black shoes.

I had also gone through the slightly gruelling task of grooming myself, something I hadn't done in way too many a year. My chest had always been pretty smooth, but I had been to a private salon to get all hair ripped away. I also – yikes – had my ass waxed, and I trimmed my groin as much as possible, leaving only the happy trail and enough hair to identify me as a man. I was pretty sure I remembered Edward didn't want his boys to have smooth legs; thank fuck for that. I had also given my face a very close shave, and otherwise made sure any details like my hair or teeth were in order.

Just as I slowly walked up to the front door, it opened and a man hurried out, not sparing a glance for me. I caught the door before it closed and whisked in, glad I would be able to surprise Edward at the door to his flat. I walked up the three flights of stairs and rooted myself on his doorstep, swaying slightly on the balls of my feet, nervousness very nearly paralyzing me.

My eyes travelled to the gifts I had brought; a bottle of red wine and flowers. I cringed – did guys buy flowers for one another or was that too girly even for gays? I let out a long breath. Fuck. What if Edward got pissed off because I treated him like I would treat my wife?

I bit my lip. I also had the exact same lube he had used to take my virginity… stupid thing, really… he'd never remember. I hoped he wouldn't take it badly to my bringing lube… What if he had changed his mind and just wanted a cozy dinner between friends? Or what if he, too, was starting to feel something; wouldn't he take objection to my wanting to have sex on our first 'date,' if you could call it that? Or maybe he wouldn't give a damn, he'd just want to bend me over the table and then send me on my way.

With a shaking hand, I had knocked on the door so hesitantly I wasn't sure he'd heard it. Maybe I should knock again harder? But I didn't want to come through as impatient or pissed off… I rubbed the sweat from my forehead… damn, this was a game for teenagers!

I closed my eyes; why couldn't I just tell him outright what I wanted, what I had to offer, what the situation was? Why couldn't I simply lay bare the truths for him to scrutinize? I opened my eyes, a ball in my throat; I was so used to living in secret, I could scarcely consider living the life I wanted. How could I possibly tell Edward _now_ that I was married? But what if things were to progress, wouldn't it be even more difficult? Of course it would! So then I should-

My mental ministrations were suddenly interrupted when the door flung open. All thought went out of my head as I slowly took in everything. Edward had the same white pants on as our first pub-night, with a copper button-up shirt, sleeves rolled up making him look ready and alert. He had a large smile that made me grin rather foolishly as I opened my mouth once, but there was no sound coming. Edward's all-time favourite band, _The Cranberries_, was playing lowly in the background, and the flat seemed to be bathing in subdued light.

"Hey!" Edward said warmly yet somehow hesitantly when I only managed to babble a few words under my breath.

My whole body gave this lurch, I wanted to spring into his arms. I swallowed and suppressed the urge, before offering a weak, "Hey!" and smiling shyly. I curled my toes in my shoes, feeling ill at ease; I was well out of practice for this kind of thing.

Edward seemed to know exactly what was going on in my head, "Relax, you're not bringing me to graduation. Come on in!" I swallowed again, before taking a deep breath and entering that flat, for the first time in sixteen years.

It was exactly as I remembered it yet very different at the same time. All the furnishing had been changed, but there were the same pictures on the walls, the same carpeted floors, and the same view of London outside the window. My eyes got very wet indeed when I spotted the table set for two in the large living room. It was simplistic but beautiful; an old but sturdy looking wooden table with a simple white tablecloth.

Everything was so diametrically opposed to how I had it at home that it made me want to move in that very same night. An appetizing aroma was coming from the kitchen, and I was forcibly reminded of Edward's delicious cooking. There were two tatty but fluffy couches in the living room, with an ancient low table in-between. Everything was so like Edward's office that I was ready to bet at least one of his walls was painted rainbow.

Unless anything had changed, there would still be two bedrooms and bathrooms, one en-suite. The living room was large, and used both as a dining room and a drawing room, or whatever that was called nowadays. The kitchen opened on the living room with a bar, and was also quite large; something Edward appreciated as he loved spending time cooking.

I toed my shoes off before bending forward and pulling the socks off too; no doubt it would seem weird as hell, but it was worth it if only for the sublime feel of the carpeted floor between my curling toes. I shrugged my jacket off and handed it to Edward who was holding his hand out for it, eyebrows lifted – either because of the tight pink shirt or because I took my socks off, difficult to know.

Either way, he didn't comment, simply hung my jacket up and put a strong arm around my shoulders, "Welcome again to my home, Jacob. I'm sure it's not as fancy as yours but… it's home."

Considering how I had it, I knew exactly what he meant, "Yeah, I wish my home were home, too." His arm tightened around my shoulders and I closed my eyes slowly. I wanted to fix this moment in my memory forever.

"Come on, everything will look a lot brighter after a hot meal and a bottle of that delicious _Cote du Rhone_ you've brought. I've even prepared blueberry pancakes for desert. Not exactly your usual dinner date desert, but if I remember right, it always cheered you up." I opened my eyes, and looked at Edward, whose head was turned to me. He seemed incredibly sad, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out why.

I didn't know what to say. How had he remembered that I had told him that one time a few weeks after we met that mom used to bake blueberry pancakes? How come he remembered it when even I had forgotten?

I wanted to open myself up to Edward, bare my soul for him to keep or reject me. I wanted to give myself to him as I had done the first time 'round, let it all go and trust that he would know; that he would know what was best for me, that he would be able to take care of me, that he would know me better than I did myself.

But I just wasn't ready for that, and if anything, I was scared witless of rejection – what would I have left if he didn't choose to keep me? No, I wanted to get to know him better; I wanted to have an idea of how he felt about me before I decided to take the ultimate leap of faith. Because that's what it was, really, if I did this, I would do things properly and give myself up entirely to him – after that he would treat me as he saw fit.

"Jake, hungry?" He asked in a soft voice, and I nodded, shaking myself out of my musings, realizing I must have stared into the void for a while.

"Yes, starving." He steered me by the shoulders to the table and indicated I should sit down. I couldn't help but noticing with a smile that nothing was fancy and expensive except everything he needed to cook. The cutlery, plates and glasses were simple yet elegant. I sat myself down, and again had to notice the chair wasn't trendy, but it was comfortable and fitted very nicely with the rest.

"What's got you grinning?" Edward asked, his puzzlingly sad expression melting into an adoring smile.

I chuckled, "You'll think it's stupid."

His lip quirked, "Try me." He opened the bottle of red I had brought and served two glasses.

I shrugged, "Nothing here is expensive like back at my place, and even though I haven't been here in sixteen years it feels like home."

His smile faltered, and there was a pause before he said very seriously, "Come on, Jacob, you should know better than anyone that money doesn't make you happy."

"Yeah, it would seem I forgot it somewhere along the way." Just as I said that, I slapped myself mentally; I had been determined to enjoy this, and bringing up the past or my grievances wouldn't do. I waved my hand and smiled, "Enough moaning! How have you been?"

His eyebrows rose a fraction, but he shrugged with one shoulder and said, "Lots of work, but a four-day weekend, so I'm not about to complain!" He gave me one of the glasses, "Anyway, cheers, Jacob!"

"Cheers!" I took a sip and just as I'd hoped, the wine was delicious.

Edward made an appreciative humming noise after taking a little gulp himself. "This'll go perfectly with dinner. I didn't have much time, so I went for simple I'm afraid." He seemed embarrassed, but I didn't have the time to assure him it was no problem before he carried on, "It's beef rib and roast vegetables…."

My mouth salivated at the thought of the home-made dinner, which was something I hadn't had since… well, since before Dad passed, at the very least. He stood up and I hurried to follow suit, there was no way I was going to let him do all the work. "Ed, it's perfect, you have no idea how much I'm craving a simple home-made dinner."

He rolled his eyes, "You're just saying that to make me feel better."

"No. I'm really not." I said firmly, which made him smile.

Suddenly he frowned, "Sit down; I'll be back with the food."

I simply ignored him and marched to the kitchen, letting him huff in annoyance behind me. It was eerie, and quite embarrassing, to remember exactly where everything was… I picked up the oven gloves and gave them to Edward. It made him chuckle, "Well, you're certainly better trained now than when your dad had you move here."

I cringed; at the time I had been the worst spoiled brat imaginable. I mumbled, "I was a real jerk back then."

He chuckled again, "Yeah, even recruited a couple friends to 'teach me a lesson,' remember? Got your ass handed to you that day… thank God Emmett showed up."

I felt myself blush; I had forgotten just how much of a dickhead I had been…. To change the subject I asked, "How's Emmett?"

Edward's face closed immediately and answered curtly, "Fine."

I frowned, "What happened?"

He sighed, carrying the beef out, and I picked up a second set of oven gloves to take the vegetables out. He didn't answer until we were both seated again; he smiled and simply said, "Nothing important. Tuck in!"

I wasn't convinced, but I knew better than to push. Edward carved the beef while I served vegetables and it felt horribly domestic; I could get used to this kind of life much too easily.

We were both awkward and tense at first – considering we had history together, it wasn't unsurprising. Once we had gotten a couple glasses of red down though, tongues loosened and we were chatting warmly. Throughout the dinner, I couldn't shake the feeling that Edward emanated sadness from every pore. Seeing as he was just as animated as me, I ended up convincing myself that I didn't know him well any more, that he had changed a lot and that my senses were wrong. In any case, even if he _had_ been sad, I would have waited to see if he wanted to tell me about it.

Anyway, during the whole dinner, I was filled by a kind of warmth that I hadn't felt in years. It was like being alive again, my fingertips were all fuzzy, my head was devoid of the single negative thought, my mind wasn't wandering, and I was giddy like a schoolboy.

I found myself eating slowly in an attempt to make it last. Although it still ended much too quickly; for the first time in a long time, I wasn't left with a bitter after-taste.

Eventually we stood up and together began doing the dishes. That's when I spotted Edward's eyes; they were very red. Now that I took closer notice, his whole face seemed to be scrunched up in pain. Unable to brush off the idea of him suffering in any kind of pain, I asked in a whisper, "Ed, are you OK?"

I watched closely as he swallowed thickly before drying his eyes with his forearm. "I'm sorry, it's nothing, didn't have much sleep, I know I look like an undead." I nodded, though not entirely convinced. My senses crawled; something was off, but I had no idea what.

"Pancake time!" Edward exclaimed, and as I looked at him again, I wasn't able to see any trace of sadness. I couldn't help but frown, was he a good actor or was I seeing things? Still, his enthusiasm was infectious, as he whipped the dough out from the fridge with a dramatic 'Tada!' I couldn't help but laugh at his childishness.

He took a small frying pan out and set it to heat up. Meanwhile, he took blueberries out of the fridges and dropped a handful, before gently mixing them in. I curled my toes, having a strong desire to stick my hip to his and slither an arm around his side.

It wasn't long before the first pancake was frying merrily and we had resumed small talk. As soon as it was cooked Edward offered it to me, and I was too tempted to do the polite thing and let him have it.

Well, with a little maple syrup it tasted just like it was supposed to, and although it was a hard trip down memory lane, I loved it. "Ed, it's perfect, just like I remember." He smiled, obviously pleased, and made ready to cook another one, but I interrupted him, "Please, let me!"

He grinned, "Sure, go ahead." I eagerly stepped in front of the stove and set about to prepare a pancake for Edward. I hadn't cooked in ages, and although I had always been terrible at it, I found it fun and relaxing. I had just about gotten the dough in the frying pan when I felt a strong, warm hand on my shoulder blade.

"Jacob, do you know how good you look tonight?" Came Edward's deep voice from behind me.

I stood perfectly still, simply letting my muscles slacken. His hand travelled down slowly until his thumb was under my T-shirt, gently stroking the skin there. His voice was soft when he said, "You should wear tight Ts of this colour more often, it suits you perfectly."

I nodded, making a mental note to buy up as many dark pink T-shirts as possible. The hand slid down to my pants' waistband and traced it carefully. I could feel my cock hardening in my pants as my fantasies slowly became true.

"The pancake is burning, Jacob." I startled and opened my eyes, before hurrying to turn it. Immediately after that I felt two strong arms around me as Edward placed himself behind me. I felt his hot breath on my neck, just like that time when he had pinned me in his office. "Tell me, Jacob, what do you want me to do to you, exactly?"

I let out a low whine, before breathing out, "Whatever you want, Ed." Seeing as that wasn't enough, I added, "Please take control, Edward; please don't make me decide."

I felt his breath hitch and I could only hope that he liked the idea. I did my best to keep an eye on the pancake despite my state of arousal. He didn't move, but kept a soft hold around my belly, leaving me to feel the ghost of his body against my back.

We stayed unmoving until he suddenly stepped back. My head dropped before I was able to take control of my actions again. The pancake was ready. I awkwardly let it slide into a plate, my hands shaky. Edward stepped in and turned the stove off. "Jacob, you're the desert."

I turned to face him, my mind clouded by arousal, and I could not but agree with him whole-heartedly. His hands went straight for the hem of my T-shirt, lifting it over my head. I let him trail my abs without moving, relishing the contact. At that moment I wished he would take complete control, tying me up and forcing me to endure the pleasure he wanted to inflict upon me. I closed my eyes, knowing that would never happen.

He continued to touch me reverently, and I did nothing but enjoy it. My chest was heaving deeply with each breath I took while Edward's strong and determined hands trailed slowly along my right collar bone, before tracing the outline of my pectoral. He feathered my nipple with his thumb and my breath hitched, desire pooling in my groin.

I wanted to strip us both naked and feel his taut muscles controlling me, yet at the same time I wanted this excruciating pleasure to last forever. He had barely started, but I was already melting on the inside – How could I ever have felt satiated with someone like Bella?

"Jacob, open your eyes." I swallowed, feeling his breath on my face, and obeyed. His face was but inches from mine, and one of his hands was holding my shoulder in a firm, reassuring grip. His hand moved slowly to my neck and applied minimal pressure.

My heart was beating so hard it felt like it was trying to escape from my chest; Edward had to hear it beat! I inched my face closer, tilting slightly. Edward, who was a little taller than me, lowered his head but a fraction, our lips nearly touching. I could feel the hot gust of air on my lips when he breathed, and he must have been feeling my own breath hitch every so often. His fierce, green eyes were looking determinedly into my brown ones. The hand he had on the back of my neck moved up to cup my head.

I delicately placed a few fingers on his hip to steady myself, and with a last searching look, I placed my lips on his. No matter how stereotypic this would sound, electricity coursed throughout my body when our mouths met. The hand that was cupping my head gently stroked my hair while applying minimal pressure.

I opened my mouth to renew the kiss and took a short breath as Edward's second hand came to rest on my hip bone. My cock was straining uncomfortably in my pants as he slowly stroked the spot with his index. The hand that was cupping my head gave a little more pressure.

The sensual moment took on a slightly more animal touch as I felt his tongue slither past his lips. I opened greedily to deepen our kiss and welcomed his tongue into my mouth. Our wet organs met, and for the first time in years a kiss turned me on. There was a tacit agreement to keep the kiss slow and sensual, but the desire in my limbs was too strong; I ached for him. His finger was still stroking my hip, but it wasn't nearly enough. I edged forward to press my body against his. Although the clothes were not a welcome barrier I could feel his muscles against mine. I started to pant into the kiss.

His tongue pulled back, but he kept the slow kiss going and I wasn't going to complain. My eyes were closed and I was focusing almost entirely on the feel of his lips on mine. The hand cupping my head dropped, and before I knew what was happening, he had a firm grip on both my sides. He took a step forward and I had to take a step back.

Step after step, Edward backed me up to the spotless kitchen bar. I desperately tried to let him conduct the dance, but my excitement was reaching peaks it hadn't visited in eons. Just as I was about to strip Edward, though, he backed off and grabbed my belt.

Before I knew what was happening, I was naked, underwear pooling around my legs. "Jesus fuck, Jacob, you're way hotter than I remember." For a long moment he didn't do more than take in the view he was faced with. My nipples were erect, but that was the least of it. My cock was erect as well, sticking proudly out, and my rather heavy balls were hanging under it.

He stayed silent, simply touching my body with reverence as though I were his precious jewel. I closed my eyes and focused on the feel of the back of his fingers trailing my taut thighs, inching up towards my hip, caressing my pubic hair. My hands were hanging loosely by my sides, shaking slightly in an attempt to retain control over my actions. I shivered as his hand teased my nipple lightly, stroking back and forth on the hardened nub.

All of a sudden the stimulation stopped, which forced my eyes open. Edward was staring at me intently. It looked like an internal battle was raging within him; I had rarely seen him this uncertain and hesitant.

"Ed, please tell me what to do!" I whined when nothing happened, hoping to sound submissive and desperate instead of clueless and desperate. The magic moment shattered as he closed and opened his eyes. Again that painful sadness radiated from him, but this time there was no doubting it. My heart dropped, and my mind sifted through the forty-seven different ways in which I could have made a mistake – all this stark naked with my cock standing at attention, hard as rock.

Just as I gathered the courage to ask if everything was ok – all this still stark naked and painfully hard – he extended a hand to stroke my cheek, looking about ready to break down. I swallowed and pleaded at him with my eyes, leaning into the touch all the while.

Everything changed a second time when he took on a cold look, his eyes glistening with malice, his face distorted in a sneer. From that moment on I wasn't entirely comfortable. To be frank, he damned near scared me… which is why I felt compelled to ask, "Ed, I – I haven't done this in a while… could we… you know – take it slow?"

He gave a dismissive nod before gripping one of my wrists and spinning me around, spitting out through clenched teeth, "Turn around and bend over, I want to take a look at that ass!" I had to remind myself of the blog, which claimed clear evidence that Edward was a ruthless Dominant. Although I wished to have him make love to me, I knew he had specifically explained there would be no feelings involved. I didn't want to call for special treatment either, certain that would earn me a foot up my ass and to be thrown out the door.

He patted my ass, something between a spanking and an appreciative horse rump-testing.

"You've always had an incredibly hot ass…." The tone was harsh, somehow contradicting the words. I focused on his hand touching me, happy to notice my erection hadn't waned – still, I wasn't overcome with pleasure any longer.

"Spread your legs!" Edward ordered, giving a less than gentle kick to my ankles, intimating me into opening myself up to him. His hand gave a hard blow to my ass, before letting fingers explore the cleft. I let my head drop on the counter, forehead landing with a dull sound. I felt my breath quicken and my heart rate accelerate as we were inching excruciatingly slowly towards climax.

His deft fingers dug into the cleft, exploring, touching, and prodding. I felt him change hand, and this time the fingers were slick, though cold. He rubbed two fingers insistently against my hole, making me involuntarily arch my back in pleasure. I closed my eyes and let my muscles go lax, determined to enjoy whatever bone was thrown my way.

The cold sneering voice harshly pulled me out of my dreams, though. "I really hope you're clean inside and out." The implications made me wince, even going so far as making my erection wane. That was the exact moment Edward chose to spear me not so gently with the two fingers, making me wince a second time – all my muscles seizing up in shock. The timing was horribly off, but I was able to take it all in stride, and soon I was entirely focused on the two fingers that were roughly stretching me, thrusting in and out without any hint of gentleness.

This really wasn't how I had pictured the breaking-in, so to speak. I had imagined a soft bed, not a hard counter, a gentle Edward, not a rough Dom, and the startling sight of his naked body, not the view of the living room I knew so well. To be perfectly honest, it was difficult to stay excited feeling like a cheap whore. I craned my neck back, hoping Edward had at least taken his T-shirt off, but I was only rewarded with his fully clothed body and a hard slap on my ass, "Stay down and be a good little bitch."

My head fell down automatically, even before I could realize exactly _what_ he had said. Unfortunately, when I did realize, there was nothing else I could do but frown; I was going to get fucked and I wasn't going to screw my chances. I had a very clear memory of seeing stars, so blissful it was, and I certainly wasn't going to pass up on that – even if I felt Edward might not make it that good, for a reason I didn't want to know.

At some point he added a third finger in me, but it was barely more than a dull burn. I could almost feel the bitter disappointment when he suddenly pressed all fingers on that _one_ spot in me, making me curse, "Fucking Hell!"

Even Edward's snarled, "Such a slut" wasn't able to distract me from the heavy panting I was doing after that single pressure on my prostate.

Before the fingers had the chance of making me erupt in curses again, Edward pulled them out, and I soon felt the blunt mushroom head of his cock pressing against my hole. I hoped to God it was my inexperience that made me feel like I wasn't nearly stretched enough. He knew what he was doing… right?

I breathed out, but before I could relax entirely he was pressing in, firmly but slowly. My breathing picked up which did nothing to help me relax. I whined when his cock made my muscles burn painfully. "Take it like a man, Jacob, and quit your whining." Came the cold answer.

After that he was anything but gentle. He had barely stopped pressing in before he pulled out and gave a forceful thrust, making me bite my cheek in pain. I tried breathing deeply, but each of his brutal thrusts had me gasping for air.

Fortunately the pain dulled quickly, and a tiny adjustment in my position had Edward ramming his cock into my prostate, transforming the whole experience. Suddenly my own cock went from a shy semi to a raging hard-on. I badly wanted to jerk myself off, but I wasn't sure how Edward would take it; so I decided to enjoy the moment.

That was working fine until he slapped my ass the hardest yet and snapped, "Arch your back and make those ass-muscles work, little boy, I'm really not impressed by your performance!" The fact that he said something so long while fucking me was proof enough I wasn't performing.

I moved slowly, pushing my lower back down, but before I could raise my head, Edward grabbed my hair and pulled it back hard. My breathing became laboured, and swallowing was difficult. With difficulty, I tried to clamp my ass on his cock, but I had completely forgotten how to work those muscles.

His thrusts were slowing down, and it was obvious enough that Edward wasn't pleased. In a last desperate attempt, I tried to think of some dirty talk to get him going. Unfortunately there wasn't anything I could remember, and I was so tense and worried that I couldn't just let myself go and get spontaneous. I couldn't blurt out anything because I wasn't caught up in the moment!

I had thought about everything Bella used to say, aware that it wouldn't be perfect, but desperate times called for desperate measures. It was in that spirit that I spluttered awkwardly, feeling myself blush horribly, "Oh fuck me, thrust in that man-pussy and cream it!"

A few things happened at once, I felt how wrong the words were as soon as they left my mouth, my cock shrunk, and to my horror, so did Edward's. He pulled out of me and exploded, "WHERE THE BLOODY HELL DID THAT COME FROM?!"

I recoiled at the disgusted tone in his voice, but stayed slumped on the counter, feeling defeated. There was an unbearably long silence, before I heard him again, voice dripping with venom, "I feel dirty, I'm going to take a shower. Feel free to leave in my absence; you're a pitiful excuse for a man, _Black_."

I didn't move, even long after he'd strode off to the bathroom. I blinked ever so often, trying to keep my eyes from getting too watery. This was an unqualified disaster, and again I was overtaken by that horrible and all-powerful idea that fighting wasn't worth it.

Thankfully it didn't last, my mind quickly turned to the sensation of Edward's hand stroking my cheek, gently exploring my chest, and above all, that sweet kiss of which only dreams were made of.

No matter how badly I had messed up, I needed to have that again, and I wasn't going down without a fight. Empowered with new purpose, I picked my clothes up and put them on quickly, before going to stand awkwardly beside the kitchen table.

I had no idea what had gone through my mind to say what I had said. Thinking back on it, I really wasn't surprised Edward had felt dirty; I felt it too. And how the hell could that turn me on when Bella said it? What the hell was wrong with me?

I nervously brushed my hair, making sure it wasn't standing at ends. I started tapping the table with my nails, anxious for Edward to reappear and conscious I had nothing to say all the same. And what was up with him? He had been all sweet, everything had been perfect, and then he had turned into a demanding client with a cheap whore! How was I supposed to feel?

And why, why that sadness?

I waited for what felt like an eternity before Edward reappeared, hair wet and shirtless, looking very disgruntled. I jumped on the occasion, "Edward, look, I –"

He cut me off with an impatient gesture of the hand and grumbled, "Save it for someone who cares. I'm deactivating your pass to NA, now please clear off, you're bothering me." He sat himself down on a couch, facing away from me.

I swallowed, despair quickly mounting, but still unwilling to depart just like that, "Please just listen, I don't know where that came from, I'm sorry, please, could –"

"We both know perfectly well where that came from, your wife." He cut me off, snorting.

My heart missed a beat, and I remembered to babble unconvincingly just in time "Wha-what? I – I don't know what you're talking about, I-" He rounded on me so quickly that I lost all train of thought.

He marched straight to me and I backed off but he backed me into a wall, looking more menacing than ever. He repeated very slowly, daring me to deny, "I said, we both know perfectly well where that came from, your wife."

I swallowed thickly and countered, voice shaking, "Look, I don't have a –" His hand was on my throat so fast I didn't see it move, and I found myself spluttering for breath. Edward's vice-like hand felt like it was made of steel, and any attempts to push him away were ridiculously fruitless. He wasn't exactly choking me, but he certainly had me pinned there.

"Now, while you're just there gasping for air, you might as well listen. I have known you were married ever since your dear father invited me to the wedding, and I spotted your wedding ring at our first meeting." He shook his head, smirking, before adding, "You should know better than to lie to me, pathetic little boy. Now tell me, how exactly does it feel, cheating on your wife?"

I felt something trickle down my cheeks, which is how I found out I was crying. This was nothing like the Edward I remembered, this one had a cruel glint in the eye, this one scared me half to death – I really wasn't sure I wanted to stay anywhere near him any longer.

For no apparent reason he blinked, and the smirk vanished. He squared his jaw and swallowed before releasing me. I fell pitifully to the ground, holding my smarting throat silent tears still streaming down. I coughed a few times, trying to make as little sound as possible.

It was like my whole inside was crumbling. I had come in nervous but determined and confident, and I would leave, crushed, my world tumbling down around me. Edward had taken all my schemes and turned them all on themselves, making chaos out of order.

I looked up, and he was sitting on that couch again, back straight as an arrow, probably simply waiting for the annoying hook up to clear off.

When I had first brushed with him, seventeen years ago, he had toppled my world... now was no different.

I brushed my tears off sloppily and stood up, before making a last attempt, trying to salvage what I could, "Edward, you mean the world to me, does my foolishness have to ruin everything?"

I saw him square his jaw from behind, and inched towards him, desperate to see his face. My hands were clutched together; my heart was in my mouth. I had thought that the worst would be his rejecting me; how had I not realized how much I was staking by asking for a hook-up? Why did I always think of these kinds of things too late? Why was I _so_ darned stupid?

"I'm sorry, Jacob, but I can't see you anymore." Was it me or was his voice shaking? There was a definite tremor when he added, "Please leave."

"Ed, I'm sorry, I know I messed up, but please –" I could not finish my plea when I saw that he was crying. His jaw was squared determinedly, his eyes were closed tightly shut, and there were tears ravaging that beautiful face I loved so much.

"Ed, what's happening, please, talk to me!" I exclaimed as soon as I was able to speak again.

He jumped off of the couch, startling me and roared, voice shaking with uncontained fury, "FOR THE LAST TIME, GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

Giving up, I scampered out of there, and closed the door on the one person whom I knew I couldn't live without. Tears streaming down my face again, I realized that I probably would have to try anyway.


	11. A Twist for the Worst

**11. A twist for the worst**

I was suffocating.

Everything was suffocating me.

Two months since 'The Disaster' as I had come to refer to it. I hadn't heard anything from Edward; not that I had expected to, he had never given me his cell number. Come to think about it, he had never actually contacted me...

At first any Edward-related thoughts had been mingled with anger. It was a wonder how everything seemed different when I wasn't in his flat getting yelled at... it had made me re-think the situation. Wasn't it his fault if I had gotten so darned rudely vocal? He'd stressed me so much it's a wonder I didn't go into severe hyperventilation!

It took me a couple weeks to get over the anger and re-think everything a second time.

That's when the guilt and the shame set in. I began cringing every once in a while; every time I thought about those words I had blurted out to be precise. I couldn't for the life of me understand how I could have said that; but again I was seeing everything under a whole new light when not naked and bent over Edward's kitchen counter.

Looking back on it, the first month hadn't been too bad. It had felt like starting over, actually. Work managed to hold my attention the way it used to, and I didn't feel like rolling my eyes every time Bella talked. Whether worn down by her repeated attempts or in severe need, I even had some – protected – sex with her. Had I been to see a psychologist, he or she would probably have said it was a desperate attempt to restore my shattered male pride.

In any case, I really was not proud of it.

No, things began to go wrong around Christmas. As much as I tried to force a smile on my face and see the bright side; I just couldn't convince myself that everything was fine. It was just like before; I was slowly crumbling on the inside. Life lost colour, food tasted like ash, and the last stab at sex had left me ridiculously indifferent - that's why I decided against taking time off, even if it did make Bella angry.

I also had to contend with her strengthening resolve to get pregnant. I held Bella somewhat at bay by saying that I was looking for a suitable deputy-CEO; so I could stop working as much. It wasn't even a lie, in fact, I was actively looking for a solution, and was considering promoting someone from within the company.

The Christmas and New Year holidays heightened my awareness of what I didn't have, what I wanted, and just how badly I was starting to feel.

After New Year I felt desperate enough to swallow what was left of my pride and send Edward an email. I shivered all over while writing to him. The memory of that awful night was still making me blushing tomato red; the shame was just too much to take.

I was thrilled when about five minutes later my phone had made that joyful 'Pling' signalling a new email on my private email account. My excitement quickly disappeared – taking my insides with it – when I read the email labelled 'RETURN TO SENDER'. Either Edward had deleted his email account, or he had blocked my address; neither of which was encouraging.

* * *

Every day simply seemed like an increasingly boring copy of the previous one.

* * *

A few days later, I was feeling increasingly desperate, so I took a trip 'round his office, only to have the door stay stubbornly shut in my face, no matter how many times I flashed my pass card on the reader. It seemed Edward had made good on his promise to deactivate it. The dark look on his guard dog's face convinced me against pleading with her.

* * *

That same evening, I had arrived home to a cruel imitation of my night with Edward: Bella dressed in what no doubt was supposed to be sexy, purchased take-out with fancy spices just like every other night, furniture that was trendy though anything but comfortable or practical, atmosphere fitting for a funeral, creamy desert that would have made me sick had I eaten any, a fruitless attempt at seduction from Bella. All of this ending with my lying in bed, hearting yearning for Edward, silent tears of longing running down my cheeks.

* * *

The following evening I raced to Edward's flat, determined to talk to him. I knew it would be humiliating, I knew he would not make it easy, I knew it could very well make me feel even worse, but I just had to try.

All of this was stumped when I arrived at his flat and the neighbour told me that the man living alone in apartment 4B hadn't been seen in weeks.

* * *

From then on, I wasn't really in touch with reality any longer. It felt like gliding through the cosmos, hearing people from afar; all my senses dulled. Everything I was told had to make it through the thicket of questions that surrounded my mind at all times.

Where was Edward? Had something happened to him? How could I contact him? How could I find him?

I was past desperation; I even had Leah call NA demanding to talk to Edward, but she was put in contact with the second in command, who told her that Edward was unavailable. I had _even_ considered tracking down that Paul guy, but every time I was reminded of them together, which made me sick at heart.

* * *

Two months after The Disaster, I woke up feeling spent. I opened my eyes but stayed otherwise unmoving. I could barely believe how strong my feelings were for Edward... despite everything, it seemed I was hooked yet again. I closed my eyes tightly shut.

_Please God let him be alright._

If something had... happened... to him, and our last encounter was during The Disaster, I wasn't sure I'd be able to take it.

No! I couldn't roll over again! This time I was going to find him! I was going to tell him everything! This time I wasn't going to give up until I had found him!

* * *

The first thing I did when I arrived at the office that morning was to call the guy who'd blown Leah off.

"Mike Clarksson." Came the generic answer.

"Hello, this is Jacob Black, you spoke to my PA yesterday."

The tone changed from indifferent to respectable, "Oh, apologies Mr Black, how may I help you?"

I couldn't help but smirk – in these kinds of situations, my position could be really helpful, "I need to talk to Dr. Cullen, would you know how to contact him?"

There was a pause, before he cautiously replied, "Dr. Cullen isn't available, maybe I-"

I cut him off, "No, you can't, I need to talk to Dr. Cullen, when will he be back?"

A second pause, "I'm sorry, I don't know; can I take a message?"

I raised my voice, "No, you can't! I have a proposal to put to him, and I really suggest you give me a way to contact him before I give this to a competitor of yours."

A low sigh, "Mr. Black, I – I'm going to be honest. Dr. Cullen has taken ill and is at a private clinic, I don't know when he'll be back. I'm acting-CEO in his stead; could you tell me what this is about?"

My heart skipped a beat, but I was able to counter, "I'm sorry, I only trust Edward with this. Thank you for your time." I hung up.

I clamped my jaw shut.

A private clinic... I owned most of them around London... time to pull some strings.

I jogged to Leah's office and barged in, "Leah, I need you to do something important for me, this takes precedence over anything else you might be doing."

As usual, Leah was remarkable; she put everything down and gave me her most rapt attention. I took a quick breath and demanded, "Dr. Cullen is in a private clinic, I need you to find out if it's one of ours; if it is, I need to know which."

Again, she was remarkable; she didn't even quirk an eyebrow at my questionable ethics before she started hammering her keyboard at a speed which only a secretary or a nerd could achieve. I stayed in the doorway, heart drumming, ready to wait all night if need be.

After what seemed like forever, she turned back to me, "We don't have access to patient manifesto, but I was able to track down bank transfers made by Dr. Cullen." She looked away before adding unsteadily, "He's at the one near Northwood."

I frowned, Northwood? There was not even a hospital at that facility! What the hell was he doing there? "Thanks." I muttered, before blurting out, "I need to meet him, please cancel everything I have for the day."

* * *

Getting there took a little over half an hour, and still lost in my thoughts I marched into the atrium. It was empty save for a guy sitting at the reception desk. Not giving him time to open his mouth I exclaimed, "I'm here to see Dr. Cullen!"

He glared at me, "I'm sorry, sir, but our establishment has a privacy clause, I can't tell you who is here, nor can I let you in without a foreword from the patient."

I banged my fist on the counter, "Don't you recognize who I am? I own the place, and I already know Dr. Cullen is here!" I glared back at him before barking, "Now lead on, young man!"

His eyes widened and he jumped up. "I'm sorry, Mr Black, sir, I didn't recognize you. Let me call Dr Cullen's nurse, sir."

He typed on the keyboard of his computer and within a minute said nurse came running. She motioned to follow and I did, glad I was able to pass my extreme nervousness for extreme anger.

My heart was in my mouth when the nurse stopped, and I thought we'd reached Edward's room; however she piped up in a strong and defying voice, "Mr Black, sir, I must ask if this is business or not. Dr Cullen is in no state to deal with business, and it's my duty to keep him healthy."

I sighed, "No, I'm a friend of Edward's, and I need to see if he's-" I wasn't able to finish, choosing to square my jaw instead.

She smiled, and sliding over my awkwardness, she said, "I'm glad, Edward has refused to take any kind of medication... it happens... I've often seen it with patients who aren't supported..." She trailed off, apparently assuming I understood everything she muttered about. She seemed oblivious to the fact that I was hanging onto her every word.

She started at a brisk pace again, before carrying on with her blabbing, shaking her head slowly, "Edward is ever so kind and polite, so different from most of our rich patients... I've been hoping that someone, anyone, would come to visit him... no matter-"

I cut her off, "No one's been to see him?"

She pursed her lips, "No."

I frowned, "Not even his parents?"

She shook her head, "I wasn't even aware he had any."

My frown deepened before I blurted out, "But... he has a boyfriend!"

Again the pursing of the lips, before a veil of sadness fell on her face, "Well, none of them has been here... no wonder he refuses to be treated... I'm so glad you're here, Mr Black, sir..." She trailed off again, and I did my best not to show how terrified her words made me.

Why hadn't anyone been to visit him? And why, why was he refusing to be treated? Did he think he'd be fine without any help? But why then would he check in _here_? None of it made any sense!

She stopped again. "Here we are. Mr Black, I know this is really unethical, but I need to ask a favour."

I refrained from rolling my eyes – if she asked for a pay raise, she was in for a treat. I was in for a surprise, as she asked, "Could you try convincing Dr Cullen to be treated? He's young, in good shape, I'm sure if he just tried it'd all be alright..."

I swallowed, looking away to hide my watery eyes, and mumbled, "Of course."

"Thank you," she whispered, before adding "good luck." and leaving me in front of the door.

I reached to knock but froze and took a deep breath. Now that I was here, I wasn't sure I wanted to know what was happening.

I stomped the ground.

_Grow some balls, Black!_

I knocked.

"Come in." Came a voice which was unmistakably Edward's; it didn't even sound wheezy or weak.

Taking another deep breath, I opened the door, stepped in and closed it behind me before I could over-think.

Edward was sitting on a sort of a couch which was arranged around a table in a large cozy room. He was typing away on a laptop, without looking up at me. He seemed perfectly normal, and for a second I couldn't help but hope that everything was alright. Hoping the nurse had exaggerated, and that he'd be well and out in a jiffy.

Everything about him was as neat as usual, except his hair which was as wild as usual. I blinked a few times, and felt my heart clench at the sight of him. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. What _do_ you say after not talking for sixteen years, then getting to know each other again, fucking, and having a fight?

He finally looked up, but didn't betray any surprise at seeing me standing in front of his door. There was a long moment during which neither of us said anything, but at some point I felt that overpowering sadness emanating from him again. His features slowly slid into a mask of sorrow but no matter how many times I opened my mouth or shook my head; all the words seemed to die in my throat.

Suddenly his head lolled to the side and he acknowledged me, "Jake." With that single word I felt like crumbling to the ground. He had categorically refused to call me by my nickname, and only when he's freaking me out in a private clinic does he finally do it?

There were a thousand things fighting to get out of my mind, but surprisingly a, "What the Hell?!" won out. Too many feelings were swirling inside me; everything that had been tormenting me for two months was crashing back. In the end though, all I wanted was to shut it all down and lunge into a hug.

"Why did you come?" Of all the questions, that was probably the only one I hadn't expected.

"I – I – I" I stuttered, desperately looking for a satisfying answer. "I want to know what is happening!" I exclaimed lamely, feeling like a petulant little child. The alternative would have been to admit just how much I cared, and that wasn't on the table just yet.

Edward sighed before gesturing for me to sit down opposite him. I did just that, trying my best to hide the fact that my legs could barely hold me. Edward crossed his hands in front of him, looking down at the table, "Before I start, please promise you'll hear me out until the end."

I nodded, and he started, "I'm going to go back a bit so you can understand better. That night, when we first went out, to that gay bar, I thought you'd like it, that it'd make you happy to feel free, even for a single evening." I was about to reassure him that I had liked it, but he waved his hand and I kept my promise. He carried on, "As you remember, we got... close. Not mentally, because neither of us would open up more than a few inches, but I got to hold you in my arms."

He closed his eyes shut and mine prickled, but I kept silent. He let out a long breath and continued in a hoarse voice, "God it was hard." He shook his head, "I knew you were married, Billy had told me all about how happily married you were... and then it was over, and I had to leave you to get back to your wife's bed. You know I'm lousy at good-byes, so I just whisked away before I tried to whisk _you_ away. I wanted to though... if you hadn't freaked out at being so late, I don't know what would have happened..." Again he closed his eyes, and my heart clenched, but still I kept silent.

"After that I just couldn't do it anymore, so I kept you at a safe distance as I'm sure you noticed. I was afraid, Jake. I desperately wanted to be your friend, but I was scared it'd become something more. And fuck, you have a wife! I couldn't allow myself any kind of feeling, you already put me through torture once, I wasn't about to let you do it to me a second time!" I swallowed, daggers twisting my insides. "But then you had that party, and I could read it all over your face when you invited me... how you said that we'd all be invited to stay the night..."

He shook his head, "Like I said, there was no way I could let that happen, so I took Paul with me. Well, of course you two started hating each other right from the start. You stumbling on us wasn't planned however, but I'd hoped you'd get the ticket and back off... and I had hoped it would make it easier for me to stay away too, you know?" He started twirling his thumbs, looking out the window.

"I mean, you haven't changed so much. You're mostly still the guy I fell in love with, spoiled, innocent and adorable. So it's no wonder I started falling for you again, really." He sighed, turning back to me with a heavy kind of look. "And then there was that night..." He trailed off, shaking his head again.

I felt dizzy with the implications of everything he'd said. My imagination fired up, and instead of Bella and me it was Edward and me. We'd live in a large loft, and this time I'd help Ed pick all the furniture. We'd work part-time, and spend loads of time together. I'd learn to cook, so we'd be able to take turns, and maybe we'd have a dog!

Everything vanished quicker than a light-bulb turning off. I focused back on him, "Ed, why are you here?"

He had a dark wry sort of smile when he looked at me and said, "And I'd hoped you'd forget all about that and leave."

"Edward, tell me what is happening." I demanded very seriously, the lack of answers starting to get me very worried. What the hell could it be?

He swallowed, "Well, after the party, you started dropping more and more hints. Jesus, it was hard to resist! At the end I deluded myself into thinking we could just fuck like it wouldn't mean more to us. But since I fuck around a lot," my insides clenched at that, "I decided to get tested for STDs, just in case." My heart dropped, and I hoped this wasn't going where I thought it was.

"That's why I didn't give you a date for our night; I wanted to get the results back. Well, I got the letter, and everything was negative." He swallowed again, "But I – I got a call from my doc' which changed everything. From that moment on, I knew I had to disappear from your life again. I also knew that you'd chase me, so I decided to try and push you away so far that you wouldn't want to look for me."

"What?" I asked, my insides gone.

He looked down again, "I decided that I'd be selfish one last time. I made us dinner, I enjoyed it, and I let myself kiss you like I used to do." He looked up again, looking apologetic, "You have to understand, I thought I'd never see you again, and I just had to have that... I'm sorry." He lowered his eyes.

"After that I put my plan in motion. I got cold and hard with you, I wanted to stress you, or even better, make you afraid. Assuming you hadn't been with a man for a very long time, I thought it'd be relatively easy. It seems I was right, it didn't take long before you blurted something stupid out, and I had what I wanted. I lashed out, yelled all those things, insulted and humiliated you."

His head dropped in his hands "God, it was the most difficult thing I've ever done. I got violent, pretended to be disgusted by the mere sight of you. It was too hard, though, I started crying at the end, I overestimated my control... or maybe I underestimated how much I cared for you, I don't know." Again, he looked up at me, "I tried, Jake, I promise, I tried to push you away so you wouldn't come here. I tried to save you the pain... I'm sorry."

Now I was scared, or more probably terrified, "Ed, tell me what is happening." I repeated forcefully.

He squared his jaw again, and turned his fierce green eyes to me, "Put two and two together, Jake. I chase away the person that means the most to me and I check in here. I bet my nurse even told you that I'm refusing treatment. What do you think is happening?"

My eyes widened as the worst conclusion struck me. I tilted my head to the side and forcefully exclaimed, "No! Tell me it's not what I think." He couldn't be dying, he couldn't be!

He pursed his lips, "I don't know what you think. It's pancreatic cancer, Jake, I'm dying."


	12. To Die or not to Die

**12. To die or not to die**

He pursed his lips, "I don't know what you think. It's pancreatic cancer; Jake, I'm dying."

It took a few seconds for the words to sink in, but as soon as they did I stood up, "You _knew_! You've known all this time and you didn't tell me!"

He looked up rather provocatively at me, "Yes, that's what I'm getting at. I didn't want you around to witness whatever happens to me, so I did all I could to push you away." I didn't move for a long while, chest heaving with indignation.

I slumped back down, "Why? Why would you do that? Hasn't it occurred to you that I don't care, that I want to spend whatever time we have together? Don't you realize that I –" I stopped, and a thought struck me. I asked in a very serious voice, "Why aren't you fighting this?"

He shrugged with a shoulder, "Why should I?"

I frowned, "Don't you want to live?"

"I do, but I don't want to fight this." He said, very calmly.

"Why not?" I asked, puzzled by his reasoning, my voice rising.

"Give me one good reason why I should."

I shook my head, more and more puzzled. Why did he pretend there was nothing to live for? I scrambled for some good reasons, and a couple came to mind, "Your parents, that Paul guy, and that best friend... what's his name... Emmett?" He simply raised an eyebrow, which got me thinking, "Hey! Why haven't they come to visit?"

He sighed, "I broke it off with Paul before our night. I never felt anything for him, or any of the others, for that matter. I told you, there was only one person that _did_ matter. Paul doesn't even know I'm here... I just told him that I couldn't see him any longer. He got mad, but he knows me, so he gave up quickly."

I couldn't help feeling smug, despite the circumstances. I quickly brought my mind back to the matter at hand, though, "Yes, but what about the others?"

He squared his jaw, "Emmett and I parted badly a few months after you walked out. I – I tried contacting him a few times afterwards, but he refused to talk, so I left it at that. As for my parents, they died a while ago. There's no one else, I've never had dozens of friends, and the years have been tough on me, so I just gave up."

I tried to say something, but again, no sound came. I shook my head, at a loss for words. I understood what the nurse meant, how could you have the will and strength to fight cancer on your own? "But Ed... I... you... I mean – you - you have to at least try fighting this!" I stuttered.

"Again I ask you, why?"

My heart started hammering as I exclaimed, "For me! You have to live for me! I – I need you! And you – you said – you said that you cared for me! You have to!"

"You?" he asked, unbelieving. "No offense, Jake, but a married man who's scared of his own shadow is a bit thin for me to go on. I think I made it clear, I can't be your friend, Jake, it's too hard."

My eyes got wet as I pleaded, "I'll change! I promise! Please, Ed, I'll do anything you want! I'll leave Bella without a second's thought; I'll be whatever you need, please believe me! Just please, please, you have to fight this!"

Edward made a strangled noise, before closing his laptop and readjusting himself on the couch. He tapped the spot he'd just vacated and asked in a very restrained voice, "Come sit here, please?"

I didn't have to think twice. I lunged for the seat, and we both turned to face each other. He took my hand in his and stroked the back slowly with his thumb.

It was a while before he explained, "Look, Jake, we've lied enough to each other, so I'm going to tell it exactly how it is, 'k?" I nodded, throat constricted, and he carried on, "I don't know how much I can believe you. I mean, even if I did try my best, and even if I did come out of this, history plays against you, Jake. No matter how much I want to, deep down I feel that I can't trust you completely."

I felt a tear trickle down my face at his words. There was too much truth in them to deny it, and though thousands of different apologies came to mind, I knew it was useless. Eyes looking shiny, he ploughed on, "But that's not the whole truth... I've had a lot of time to think lately, and... Jake, I want you to know that - without all this - if you had wanted to change your life for me..." He shook his head, "I'd have given you another chance, and I would have helped you and stood by your side."

He sighed, "Even if I don't know whether or not it would have work out, even if I only had gotten a few more months with you..." He shrugged "it would have been good enough for me... you mean so much to me." His voice broke down on the last words, and a few tears started trickling down his own cheeks.

I stayed silent, determined to hear him out. He wiped the tears away and continued, "The thing is, I just don't have the strength, even with you by my side." He lowered his eyes, and his voice dropped an octave, "My tumour hasn't metastasized yet, but pancreatic cancers are the worst. You probably know this, but there's only a 4% survival rate after five years. Even if I did have the operation, and I went through chemo and radiotherapy, chances are it'd reappear after a year or two, and so on until I-" he stopped short of uttering that last word.

He took a deep steadying breath, "I admit to preferring a painless simple exit. Odds aren't in my favour, Jake. They did some tests when I arrived... already then they said that the cancer would spread, and that it wasn't looking good. I've refused to let them do anything else after that, so I don't know how long... I mean... I don't know where it's at. Chances are that there are already a couple new tumours. I'm sorry, Jake."

I sobbed once, face streaked with tears, "Ed, come on, I'll help you, I'll be with you every step of the way!"

He sighed and reached to wipe my cheeks, "Jake, I'm tired. You know my early years were hard... then the rape... and you walking away, leaving a gaping hole in me." He shook his head, "Emmett walked out too... the worst was when Carlisle and Esme died though. I'm so tired of everything, Jake, I'm tired of trying, and I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of getting knocked down and having to get up again."

I didn't know what to say. A tiny part of me couldn't help but agree with him, couldn't help but see that he had thought all this through, couldn't help but see that no matter how terrifying, it would be easier for him to simply give up.

I didn't have the time to find anything to say as there was a knock on the door.

"Come in!" Edward called out, dropping my hand and turning to the entrance. In came a man looking to be in his fifties.

Seeing us, he stopped short, "Ah, I'm sorry Dr Cullen, I didn't know you had company. I'll come back later!"

Edward wiped his tears away and said with a wet chuckled, "No, no, please, come in!"

Looking awkwardly, the man stayed where he was, "I'm here to talk about a possible treatment; I think it best if we discuss it in private..."

My heart leapt at the words. Edward sighed and declared, "You can say anything with Jacob here, Doctor, but you know where I stand."

The doctor nodded, "I do, but my team has just received the go-ahead for human trials for a new way of treating pancreatic cancer. We've been able to destroy 90% of metastasized tumours with this technique, and by adding a novel cancerous stem cell assay, we can monitor potential re-growth."

I took the opportunity to interrupt during his pause, "Excuse me, but all I have is a chemistry degree, and it's far behind me..."

The doctor smiled, probably happy for the chance to explain the science, "It's a revolutionary way to administer radiotherapy. We use modified strains of bacteria to carry radioactive isotopes right into the tumour. To survive, tumours suppress the hosts' immune system, so the bacteria can only survive within the cancerous area. By using doses much smaller than regular radiotherapy, we can ensure very limited side-effects. Of course, we can't eliminate the side-effects entirely, but-"

Edward cut in, "Doctor Mann, from a PhD to another, what are the exact side-effects?"

Doctor Mann swayed slightly on the balls of his feet before saying, "The liver and kidneys receive high doses of radiation, even higher than the pancreas, quite often. Thankfully, the organs are able to cope, but short-term the gut epithelium gets quite sore; we've also observed the usual vomiting that comes with any radiotherapy. Unfortunately, we've had a few cases of sterility, too, in the long-term. While the bacteria are easily eliminated by the body, the isotopes can linger before they're evacuated. We haven't had any other long-term side-effects, except re-growth, of course. The bacteria itself leads to flu-like symptoms, but nothing major."

"What about metastasis?"

Again, the doctor looked very awkward, he probably hadn't expected Edward's knowledgeable questions, "As I said earlier, the technique eliminates the metastasized tumour in 90% of the cases, and-"

Edward interrupted for the second time, "Yes, but of those 90%, how many grow back, and how many spread?"

Doctor Mann sighed, "About 80% spread... this technique is very effective to destroy pancreatic tumours. The hope is then to be left with a more manageable tumour. The good side is that very few of those pancreatic tumours grow back, only about 10%. After two years, survival rate in mice increases from 20% to about 90%."

Edward fired back, "No human trials yet? Do you have an estimate for the new 5-year survival rate?"

"Only very few humans trials, and the scheme only started this year, so no 5-year stats yet, but we estimate a 15% survival rate."

"Very well, thank you." Edward said firmly. The doctor nodded at us both and left.

As soon as the door closed, I let out a triumphant, "This is great!" while turning back to face Edward. He seemed lost in thought, hopefully thinking it over. His features were blank, and he was gazing dreamily at the door.

I gave him a couple minutes, before being unable to prompt him with a timid "Ed?"

He shook his head and refocused on me. With a heavy tone, he said, "15%, and that's with the optimistic view of a doctor trying to convince me. And on top of that, there's 80% chance the tumour will spread... and that's in mice, no one knows what would happen in a human."

"Yes, but you heard what he said! The pancreatic tumour doesn't grow back, and then-"

He finished for me, "Then I end up with a lung or liver cancer, which is statistically more likely, and just as deadly as a pancreatic cancer."

"But –"

Again he cut me off, "No buts. There's a 10% chance the tumour grows back, 80% chance I get landed with another cancer, and no one knows if it'll actually increase my chances of still being alive after five years. I'm not putting myself through chemo, radiotherapy and all that on those stats."

"Ed, please, just at least –"

He didn't wait for me to finish, "Jake, you're asking me to put myself through two cancers, and everything that goes with it, for a very slim chance of survival, all that because you want me in your life. Well I'm sorry, two decades ago I'd have fought my way through anything to be with you, but now it's just not worth it."

Tears were swelling up again. I wasn't even making a dent in his determination, and I was running out of arguments. "Ed... please... I know I don't deserve it, but please... I'll be there for you always, I swear."

He sighed, "You already said that, when we exchanged these." He flashed his black wrist chain "And look how that turned out."

My eyes fell on my own chain, "You kept it too?"

"Yes. I spray-painted it black after you walked out because I couldn't force myself to chuck it. Now I'm sorry I did that... it's one of the only things I have left from Carlisle... but I don't think I'd have been able to keep it otherwise."

I flashed my own, and smiled through the tears that had started to fall again, "I kept mine too. Deep down, I always had faith I'd find you..."

He smiled wearily, "Well, you have... shame it's too late."

"It doesn't have to be, Ed. I – I know you feel tired, and that you feel like there's no point carrying on. I know what it feels like, I understand. But you're not alone, I'm here, I'm stronger now than I used to be. I'm sitting here, trying to convince you to get back on your feet and that's more than I've ever done. I can take care of you now; I'm strong enough to do that now! Please, Ed!"

He breathed out, eyes closed, before whispering, "Come here," bringing me into a hug.

I buried my face in his neck, inhaling deeply, a flow of memories coming back with that distinctive Edward-smell. It had been my safe haven, but now I was going to be the sturdy one, and I wasn't going to give up!

Heart hammering, I tried my last card. I pressed a delicate kiss to his white shoulder and whispered, "Edward, I'm in love with you."

I felt his breath hitch against me, and a drop fall on the back of my neck. I pushed, "Edward, I loved you so much. You got to fight this, and then we can be together again, like we used to."

His blew out some air, before pulling out of the hug and drying his tears. He looked away as he softly said, "I'm sorry, Jake. I feel you're stronger... maybe, if things had been different, we could have had our 'Happily Ever After'..." he turned back to me.

I was furiously searching for other arguments when he interrupted by claiming my lips. Every thought when out the back door as my whole world narrowed down to the feeling of his lips on my own. It was just like that night; it was the same delicate and loving kiss.

Suddenly, I pulled away. This was the same kiss as the one he had allowed before trying to push me away forever. And sure enough, after a deep breath, he demanded, "Please leave now, Jacob, and please don't come back. Be strong for someone else."

Without a word, I stood up. The path before me was clear; I would come back as soon as I had new arguments, and I would never give up.


	13. Collared

A/N: Few changes to my Facebook presence. Due to a very heavy workload, I'm abandoning my Facebook page, everything will now happen on my account. It's been renamed '**Pen-Name Lineia**'. Few reasons; I realize not everybody wants to add a 'dom Lineia', and I've been changing myself, so this reflects that. In addition, the facebook page isn't very popular - as opposed to the account, so it feels like something of a waste of time!

Answer to guest review - Actually, this story will probably end up with a publisher. I already have a few changes in mind; quicker pace at the beginning for example, and change the names (even if I've decided I want Jacob to remain Jacob). Thanks for your praise and your review !

* * *

**Chapter 13: Collared**

Curiously, I wasn't too worried about the cancer itself. I was so focused on getting Edward to stand up and fight that anything else was secondary. And to be completely honest, I'd dealt with death before; first with Mom and the car accident, second with Dad and his successive strokes. Death didn't scare me at all as much as it used to. Maybe it also had something to do with the fact that I, myself, had flirted with the Grim Reaper… regardless, I knew what the risks were, and I accepted there was nothing I could do about that.

Not to say that the thought of losing Edward didn't sadden me. No, I was quite certain that if it came to that, I'd be a sobbing mess by his bedside, pleading with God to give me more time with that man I'd always loved so much.

Still, as much as I was ready for Edward's untimely passing, I was certainly _not_ ready for him to give up. He was going to fight this with every fibre of his and my being, and I'd be damned if I didn't do everything in my power to make sure of that.

If I had to be honest, though, I had to admit that I had thought the situation over one time. Was I simply being selfish? Was this spurred on simply by my jealous desire to have Edward all for myself a little longer? Should I really be doing this, instead of standing by his side and making the passing easier?

After some pondering, I realized that the answers didn't really matter; I couldn't just let it go. I had a debt I owed to Edward. Seventeen years ago, he took me into his home, he put up with my childish and bullying behaviour… he loved me when no else would, he became my reason to be happy once more. He managed what no else had done; making my delinquent twenty-year old self take a U-turn for the better.

In a way, I owed everything I had to him; and whatever I didn't have, I blamed on my own cowardice.

So this was going to be my way of paying that debt back. I was going to make him survive this. Then I would nurture him back to life and his old self, please him and repay all the love he had given me then. In short, everything I owed him, and everything he had deserved for seventeen years.

* * *

In the end it took me about a week to come up with a plan and arrange for everything. All in all, it was a good week. Whatever happened, I had this burning determination in me, and nothing else counted, really.

It was child's play. I put the wheels in motion to promote the VP I trusted most, so I'd be able to take some time off when Edward would most need me, I fed Bella some cock and bull about having to work that week end and off I was to visit Edward with my dark blue gym bag full of stuff I might need. Now that I thought about it, it was quite impressive to see how easily things got done when there was proper motivation… and Edward's cancer was at least that.

Driving to the clinic, I wasn't really nervous; I had reached this state of inner peace which was something I could remember from my time with Edward. Back then there had been nothing to worry about, we were happy, and we dealt with anything that came our way together – well, except for the last time I saw him obviously.

Now it was the same, yet entirely different. There was a dreadful amount of things to worry about, yet I knew that whatever happened would happen, and all I could only do was my best. I had finally found my way, and now that my feet were on the right path, I simply had to follow it. I'd try again and again until either the cancer or I won out… there wasn't much more to it.

Arriving at the clinic, I stumbled onto Edward's nurse, who was sipping a coffee outside with a colleague, enjoying the pale January rays of sun.

"Mr Black!" She exclaimed just as I passed her by.

I nodded to her, intending to announce myself at the reception again, but she called after me, "Have you come to see Dr Cullen?"

I wheeled around to face her, "I have." Her colleague was staring at me with something close to wonder, probably wondering what the owner and CEO was doing at the clinic.

The nurse swallowed the rest of her coffee in a hasty gulp, trashed the plastic cup and led the way with a nod to her friend. I followed eagerly, and wondered if I could get her to gossip one more time… I wasn't afraid to fight dirty when it came to Edward's survival.

"How's Edward?" I asked airily, hoping not to sound too suspicious.

She smiled, "I don't know _what_ you did, but he's been even cheerier than usual! Still refuses to take any kind of treatment… but he used to be morose and polite, now he looks happy." She shook her head, "I'm happy you came back, he seemed to think you wouldn't, for some reason."

I listened closely, eagerly swallowing all the news, trying to hide my smirk – it was deceptively easy to get her talking. "I really don't understand though, he had his will drafted; I know because he asked if I would witness. How someone can be so happy in such a situation is beyond me, but then again it's not my place to question."

"Has anyone but his lawyer been to visit?" I asked innocently.

"Not that I know of, no… he's so different from all our other patients! I know the doctor really hoped he would accept that experimental treatment, being a scientist and all… he seemed to think that Dr Cullen would take a professional interest in it even if he wasn't convinced it'd work."

"Do you know anything about that program?"

"Not much, only that everyone is really excited about this new treatment. They all say it's revolutionary, but I couldn't tell you. Anyway, here we are, I'll be around if you need me!"

"Thank you."

She strode away, not so discreetly glancing at me to see what I'd do. Gym bag hanging over my shoulder, I knocked.

"Come in." Came the immediate answer.

I took a deep breath and opened the door. Edward was sitting exactly where I left him a week earlier, sitting on the makeshift couch, and tapping away on his laptop. He looked as clean and groomed as always, his chaotic hairstyle still as un-explainable as ever. The only difference was the grooves under his eyes, and I felt a twinge of pain at the reminder of his condition.

He turned to me and before he schooled his features I could see what the nurse had meant. He had that crooked smile he'd worn so often back in the day, the one that reached his otherwise fierce green eyes. He didn't say anything, so I closed the door behind me and let my bag fall with a heavy 'thud'.

There was no point lying to him, so I said, "I'm not giving up."

He shook his head, "You won't change my mind."

I shrugged, "I'll keep trying, worst case it means I'll keep you company. I'm not giving up on you a second time."

"You don't owe me anything, Jake."

I chuckled, "You might see it that way. Regardless, I'm not doing it for that reason." I squared my jaw, "Now that I've found you, I'm not letting go unless you say that you don't feel anything for me and I'm a bother." I knew there was a slight possibility he'd say exactly that… after all, he'd gone to great lengths to get rid of me already, who's to say he wouldn't do it again?

He sighed, "No, I'm not going to say that, it'd be too hard to chase you away a second time. I did the best I could and my conscious is somewhat at peace. If you want to waste your time with a withering man, then I won't stop you."

"How could you possibly waste time when you're with someone you love?" I asked very seriously.

He quirked an eyebrow, "So you were serious, then..."

I frowned and went to sit opposite him, "Why wouldn't I have been?"

He sighed, "I don't know, sometimes I believe it, and sometimes I think it's just something you said because you hoped I'd want to get treated." He shook his head, and he turned to the window, eyes un-focusing, "Sometimes I think it's all a dream... sometimes I can't believe what's happening, and sometimes I wish..." he trailed off, before looking back at me, "and sometimes I wish we had more time together."

"We could, you know; if you just tried." I whispered, intent on changing his mind.

"Not happening." His voice had a horrible finality to it.

Without a word, I stood up and went to pick my gym bag up. I rifled through it for a second, until I found the item I had brought that I would need. Taking care not to let Edward see it, I placed it on the bed behind the bag. My heart rate picking up, I pulled the hoodie I was wearing over my head, and the T-shirt soon followed suit.

"Jake, what the hell?" Edward asked, but I paid no notice. I unclasped my belt, undid the button of my trousers and slid them down with my underwear. My socks quickly followed on the heap of clothes.

Stark naked, I picked the item up and went to stand in front of Edward, who seemed shell-shocked. I knelt in front of him and lowered my eyes respectfully, before holding out the simple leather collar, presented neatly on my two hands. "Will you take me on as your submissive?"

"Jake, I – I... you can't be... I mean... I don't – I – but – but..." Edward stammered in a high-pitched voice, losing his legendary cool.

He cleared his throat, before saying in a hoarse tone, "Jake, I can't take that responsibility."

"Save your respect, there's not much responsibility in it. I'll take care of you, the only responsibility you have is fighting so we can get time together. When you're clear of this mess, you can do whatever you want with me, keep me as your boyfriend, or submissive, or tell me to fuck off."

There was a pause, then, "You can't ask me to do this."

I closed my eyes and bared my neck for him to fasten the thin strip of leather around, "Proving you wrong."

"Jake, for Fuck's sake, I'm dying!" His voice broke on the last word, and I yearned to hug him.

Instead, in a clear breaking of protocol, I opened my eyes and looked right at him, "You have a choice, you can choose to fight, and if you believe it strongly enough, you'll survive." A single tear was running down his nose, and it was impossibly hard to stay on my knees.

Another pause and he said, "You overestimate me."

"I don't, I really don't. You're the absolute strongest person I know. You may not like it, but I know you, and I'm certain you have the strength for this. I'll be by your side every step of the way. I love you, Sir."

The change in Edward was visible; it was as though something had clicked in him. His relaxed stance became more rigid and his weary eyes became fierce and determined as they used to be. He picked the cheap collar up and toyed with it, staring at me with the intense look I could remember from our times together.

He squared his jaw once before declaring, "If we do this, it will be like before, no kneeling, no 'Sir'. I'm your boyfriend, your _kinky_ boyfriend."

My own stance changed; I relaxed, relieved to know that I wouldn't have to appear meek and subservient at all times. As much as I loved the idea of giving myself over to Edward, I felt entirely certain that I'd be happier with a more traditional, equal relationship. Like before.

I let a smile infect my face, "I was hoping you'd say that, Ed."

"Yet you were ready to be a real sub?"

"Anything for you," I answered truthfully.

"Oh, Jake..." He slid down from the couch and knelt in front of me. Again, I closed my eyes and bared my neck.

He surprised me by cupping my cheek and whispering, "Jake, look at me." I did as he asked, and tried to communicate my love for him with eyes only, "This is going to get ugly, and it'll be hard. There'll be tears, hope might abandon us."

I swallowed, aware of the implications of my choice, "But we'll have each other."

His hand stroking my cheek slowly, he whispered, "I'll need you, Jacob, I can't do this alone. You can't give up on me again."

"Never."

"Promise?"

Looking at him with all the seriousness I could muster, I pledged, "I swear, Edward, never again will I walk out or give up on you. I love you, and I'm going to be by your side."

He seemed to steel himself, before edging the hand that wasn't on my cheek towards my neck.

I kept my eyes on him, and that's probably why I spotted the exact moment when he seemed to falter. His eyebrows narrowed, and his hand stopped its progression just as he let out a low sigh.

Without looking away, I took hold of his forearm and squeezed softly.

He nodded imperceptibly at me and the hand continued its travel towards my neck.

Our eyes didn't leave each other's face as he fastened the small leather collar.

When he was done, the hands fell down to my shoulders and gripped them hard, before he let his head droop until our foreheads were meeting.

"You'll be OK Ed; I'm going to take care of you."

It didn't take long before he answered, "I'm not worried, Jake, I have you." His words filled my heart with joy, and I could only hope he was sincere.

He straightened up and took a gentle grip on my jaw, making our eyes meet. I could feel the atmosphere changing in the room, slowly becoming sex-charged. I stayed perfectly unmoving, set on letting him decide where he wanted to take this.

I didn't have to wait long. He stood up and shed all of his clothes, giving me the view I had wanted to see back in the hotel: on my knees in front of his naked body.

Before I had time to react though, Edward knelt down again, giving me an intense look. He tilted his head and reached my lips with his, letting me taste that sweet kiss again, just like the one we'd shared in his flat. His hand left my jaw and fell onto my shoulder, caressing it slowly, tracing my collarbone with the thumb.

His touch on me woke a desire that had been lurking within me ever since that night; I wanted him to make love to me. I was ready to take on his disease, but first I wanted this one gift. I wasn't so foolish as to think it had vanquished simply by changing Edward's mind, and I wanted that one memory to treasure forever if the worst should happen.

His hand trailed down, until it reached my nipple. He started rubbing the knuckle of his index firmly on the soft patch of skin. I shivered at the sensation, feeling my nipple harden to a pebble quickly. He pressed the knuckle of his index right over the nipple, and the knuckle of his middle finger right under. Slowly, sensuously, he tightened the fingers around my nipple, squeezing in an excruciatingly delicious way. My cock immediately perked up, and as it rose to a proud erection, I felt Edward's hard cock strain against mine.

I moaned into the kiss, only to feel his tongue request entrance to my mouth, which I granted greedily. He thrust his tongue inside my cavity shamelessly, claiming my mouth in a way no one had done since we broke up. His second hand found purchase on the back of my head, pressing me against him, forcing me to accept the wet, inquisitive organ in me.

His fingers around my nipple alternatively let go and squeezed. At one point he squeezed and gave a few tugs, making me moan again. Right when he pulled away from the kiss, I asked, "Please Edward, make love to me!"

His hand left my nipple, and for one terrifying moment I thought I had read the signs wrongly, or that he would go all cold and sadistic on me again. Only when I felt his hand tug at my cock did I relax and his voice was raw and guttural when he said, "Of course, beautiful. I'll remind you how it's like to be loved by a man."

My heart started hammering against my chest, making a deafening sound, and I was certain Edward could hear it. My suspicions were confirmed when he forced us to our feet and whispered, "Relax... it's not going to be like last time, you're in safe hands."

I nodded shakily, but I wasn't nervous, I was excited. I wanted this so much, and I knew he was going to make it good for both of us, I trusted him completely. I took hold of his hips to calm my shaking hands, "I want to have you in my mouth; I want to taste you again."

He stepped forward; pressing our naked bodies together, "We'll have time for that, for now I want you on your back, squirming under me."

I buried my face in his neck, pressing a kiss there, breathing in his scent, before whispering, "Please Ed... I've fantasized about this moment... I want to be able to –" I stopped myself, and instead whispered, "I want to be allowed to kneel before you and suck you off with your hand in my hair. Please."

I felt a hand on my hip, before it trailed to my ass where it delivered a soft blow. The hand caressed my cheek, before slowly trailing up my rump, onto my back, my neck, and finally into my hair. "Kneel for me, my boy."

Breath hitching, I dropped to my knees and faced Edward's pale cock. It was longer than mine, but not quite as thick, probably about eight inches. His hand dug into my hair, kneading my scalp in a way that had me shivering from head to toe in pleasure. I was salivating, and I want to lap at his cock for all I was worth.

I took hold of the root of his member and gave a tentative lick. I felt Edward's arm stiffen above me, and without further ado or teasing I opened wide and took in as much of his cock as possible. I closed my lips around the warm, pulsating member and sucked experimentally.

Hearing Edward groan was a reward in itself. His hand fisted my hair, egging me on. I licked around the cockhead, before opening my mouth and taking in a deep breath. Saliva was drooling from the corner of my lip and I pulled away before plunging back on it. I bobbed, trying to make Edward groan again.

Instead, I got a hiss, "Mind your teeth!"

My heart plummeted in shame as I realized that I had forgotten how to please him. I fell back on my ass and muttered, "I'm sorry... I thought I could please you like I used to, but..." I trailed off, shaking my head and looking at his feet. The old feeling of worthlessness crept up, the one from before I met Edward, the one that had haunted my life whenever he wasn't around. I had to admit, this was something that had bothered me for a while. I suspected that Paul and all other the other submissives were talented, and I was scared of not being good enough.

He knelt in front of me, and with a hand on my chin forced our eyes to meet. I noticed he was grinning slightly, "Jake, who cares? Seriously, you _really_ think I care about your... your 'skills'? I know I was a dickhead last time, but come on, that's not me. Regardless, if it means that much to you, then I'll teach you, that's what I'm for, don't you think?"

I smiled shyly, "Sorry... it's just –" I let out a deep breath, "I want to be perfect for you."

His smile deepened, "You already got my will to fight back, does that count for peanuts? Most people can't influence me one bit, Jacob, don't underestimate what you did."

I felt my heart swell. Not necessarily because I thought he was right, but because he wanted to console me, he wanted me to be happy, and that was the greatest gift I could have received. All I had ever wanted was someone to please while they took care of me, and it seemed I was to have my wish after all.

"Thank you, Edward."

He smirked slightly, "Come on Jake, I'm desperate for your ass." I would have answered _I'm desperate for your cock_ if that didn't sound so horribly slutty.

He stood up and I followed suit. He made for the bed but froze and swore, "Fuck! I forgot, I don't have anything here, no lube or condom." He turned round to me in all of his naked splendour and I noticed his cock had wilted because of the anti-climax.

I smirked, "I got both with me, but Ed... do we really need condoms? You got tested and I haven't been with anyone else other than you and..." I trailed off, unwilling to say Bella's name – the mood was killed enough as it was.

Edward pulled a face, "Better not risk it, Jake. I tend to... fuck around... and you know as well as I do that some STDs don't show before a few months. I'll get another test when all this is over and we can go bareback then, 'k?"

"I'll hold you to that." I said as I went raiding my bag. I bent over and rammed a hand inside, hoping to find them in less than two seconds.

That's when I felt Edward's hand on my back, slowly stroking down to my butt, "Oh, don't worry," he growled, "as soon as this is over, I'll happily do you bareback."

I shivered again, and my softening cock went full-mast. I found the lube and a condom just as Edward's hand trailed between my cheeks and traced the crack. I gave my cock one quick tug before standing up and handing Edward the keys to heaven.

In the tiny corner of my mind that wasn't obsessing about sex, I revelled in Edward's new determination. He seemed bent on living through this, and I felt proud, both at myself and him for the courage he displayed.

He took control then and I was more than happy to let it all go. He grabbed my hips and backed me into the bed, claiming my mouth all the while. My arms were hanging loosely by my sides, though I felt desperate to reach for my hard cock which was itching for some attention.

Edward surfaced from the searing kiss and gave a hard push with a finger over my heart. I let myself fall onto the bed, splayed for his hungry, roaming eyes.

He hummed, "I hope you really want this, because there's no stopping me now."

"Good." I breathed out, eyes half closed.

He bent over me for another kiss, and use the opportunity to rub our cocks together, making me groan in pleasure as I felt his hard member thrust into mine. I could only imagine how it would feel to have him inside of me, without the pain of that time a couple months back.

He rolled off me and ground out, "Get your ass in bed, sexy, it's time to get fucked."

I scrambled to get my legs in bed and made to flip onto my stomach, but Edward stopped me, "No, on your back, I want to see you."

Without a word I laid down on my back, fidgeting slightly until I found a comfortable position. I parted my legs wide and looked up at Edward who still wore that hungry, domineering look that turned me on so much. He crawled between my legs and jerked my cock once with his lubed hands, making my hard cock wet and slippery.

I let my head fall back on a pillow, overcome by pure bliss. He squeezed out a large glob of lube and warmed it up with his hands. His whole hand dived between my legs and applied a liberal amount of the warm gel between my ass cheeks, along my cleft.

"Life your legs for me," I obeyed quickly, hooking my hands behind my knees to keep them up.

"Look at me, Jake." Again, I obeyed and looked into his eyes as one of his fingers circled my pucker. I felt my breath race at the onslaught of feelings, my cock pulsating already.

His eyes didn't leave mine when his finger slowly penetrated me, not resting until it was buried in me. I felt his finger wiggle around inside me, and when Edward raked it over my prostate, I couldn't prevent a very loud moan from escaping.

He hummed, "You're so hot, Jake. Nobody turns me on as much as you."

I felt his finger retreat, "God Ed, please fuck me! I'm desperate!"

"Shh... let me prepare you." And with that the finger plunged back inside, leaving a slight burning feeling in its wake. Again Edward raked the finger on my prostate and I moaned whorishly.

He fucked me slowly with his finger, taking his sweet time. At first I was frustrated, but quickly I let it all go and enjoyed the feeling.

When his second finger penetrated me, there was no pain. When his two fingers gave a hard nudge to my prostate, I erupted, "Fuck! Ed! This feels so good! I need more! Please!"

"I don't want to hurt you, Jake!" There was something almost pleading in Edward's voice.

"Just go slow, I'll be fine." I reassured him.

He still slipped a third finger in, making me hiss at the burn. The burn was delicious, but only when it was Edward's warm, slippery, pulsating member filling me, stretching me from the inside. I couldn't really explain it.

His fingers slipped out and I made an effort to spread my legs as much as possible, still holding them behind my knees. I felt the bed shift as Edward got into position over me. I closed my eyes and let my head fall back; glad to notice I was entirely relaxed.

I felt Edward's cock nudge my hole, and that was enough to make me arch my back, pushing back in an effort to speed up the proceedings. He didn't penetrate me immediately, though.

Suddenly I felt his breath on my face, and I opened my eyes, startled. He slowly lowered his torso, draping himself over me, but his hips were raised so that his hard cock was still at the edge of my entrance.

"Kiss me." He ordered, and I eagerly plucked his lips for another searing embrace.

His cock slowly but firmly pushed into me. At first I was startled at the size, wondering how I had ever managed to take it all, but the pleasure of having the man I loved lying on top of me swamped everything else. I let his tongue into me as he slowly bottomed out, and soon his cock was rooted deep inside me.

With a crude 'pop' he pulled his tongue out of me and whispered huskily, "Wrap your legs around me." I obeyed, which freed my hands that I immediately used to pull Edward into me, wrapping them tightly around him.

It felt like he was everywhere. His arms slithered under my armpits and soon he was returning my hug. He nestled his head on my shoulder and slowly pulled his cock out of me, until only the mushroom head was in me.

I moaned when he pushed back in slowly, grazing my prostate and brushing my cock with his abs at the same time. He pulled out a second time, and to my surprised to pushed in slowly again.

Sex with Edward had always had this animalistic feature, but that day it was slow and sensual. I moan each time his cock pushed onto my prostate, raking against it slowly in an excruciatingly perfect way.

Edward's contortionistic abilities allowed him to stimulate my cock with his belly while slowly making love to me.

There were no words said, but none were needed. We both knew that we both were on cloud nine, and that was enough. Occasionally he would break his slow motions to kiss me passionately. My cock was leaking, precum dropping onto my own abs, screaming for attention, but the moment was too perfect and I determinedly ignored the urge to let go of Edward and jerk myself stupid.

Soon our bodies were shining with sweat, and his rocking motions made his white chest glide against my caramel coloured muscles, making me feel as though we were but one well oiled machine.

I felt the pleasure slowly build up in me as he made love to me. My balls were tingling with the urge for release but I was determined to make the moment last as long as possible.

I was overcome with emotions, Edward's gestures proof of what he felt for me. I was even hard-pressed not to let a tear or two fall; I could read the love in his green eyes, in his slow rocking motions, in the way he held on tightly to me.

I felt compelled to whisper, "I love you, Edward," in between two moans.

His only answer was to stop moving, making me groan in frustration as I was on the brink. He kissed me, and I felt certain my lips were starting to bruise at the way Edward delicately nipped them with his teeth.

He slowly trailed kisses to my jaw as he started pumping his warm cock into me again. I felt my cock pulse and I knew orgasm was near.

His mouth trailed down to my throat, and after a last kiss he sucked on the skin there, making me groan in pleasure.

"You're my boy, now." He whispered with a sort of victorious growl that made my eyes roll into their sockets.

Wave after wave of pleasure was washing over me. I unhooked my hands behind Edward and let them roam freely on his broad back, trailing all the way down to his powerful ass.

He pushed slowly into me and I arched my back, moaning loudly, "Edward!"

He groaned, and I felt his legs shake slightly, probably trying to restrain a more aggressive fucking. Still, he was able to keep the slow rhythm going.

He pushed into me and I moaned his name a second time, my back still arched. My orgasm was so near I could taste it, but Edward didn't seem in a hurry to finish.

He pulled out and slowly pushed in again. As his cock raked my prostate I felt as I tipped over the edge. All my muscles seized up at the intense pleasure as my cock released spurt after the other of white cum.

Edward groaned over me. I knew that my ass had clamped tightly around him, and he only had to push in another couple of times before letting out a, "Oh fuck, Jake!"

I felt his cock pulse in me, letting out the precious liquid into the condom.

I laid under him, drained, as all his muscles seized up too. He planted his head on my pectoral and allowed a few jerky movements in and out of me before collapsing over me.

I held onto him for dear life, feeling more complete than I could remember ever feeling. I felt his breath slow and his cock shrink within me but neither of us moved.

We fell asleep, the last thing I remembered was holding my Edward against my heart, wishing I could keep him there without ever letting go.

* * *

The rest of the weekend passed in a kind of a blur. It felt as though I hadn't been really happy for so long that my brain could only take in so much at the time.

I woke up in the same exact position, with Edward lovingly tracing the collar with his finger. We were quite literally stuck together and went to take a well-needed shower – that involved some horsing around.

At first it was all too awkward. I wasn't sure what to say, how to act. Quickly I realized that I simply didn't know how to act when I was _free_. I could be myself; I could do whatever I felt like doing. It took a little time to get used to my new found freedom; even the many lunches with Edward hadn't felt like this, because now I was completely free with my lover.

Anyway, the important thing is that I spent the best weekend in ages, and I think it was the same for Edward – he seemed so carefree the whole time!

The hard part was coming back to reality on Sunday evening when I had to leave. Really, I should have expected things to go downhill, but for once I was so focused on the moment that I didn't think ahead or behind.

We were in bed, facing each other, drinking each other's features and chatting about the most mundane things when I noticed the time. "Edward... I need to leave."

His face closed down, and after a long pause he whispered, "Yes, of course." He managed the tiniest smile before turning his back to me.

I held back a sigh. I didn't want to leave like this, but I didn't know how to make things better. Regardless of what I said the truth remained; I was leaving Edward to return to my wife. I wouldn't blame him if he doubted I would return; a weekend wasn't enough to rebuild the trust I had smashed to smithereens all those years ago.

I rolled out of bed and hastily put my clothes back on. When I was ready to leave I tried a shy, "Ed?" but there was no answer. Heart heavy I considered leaving without further ado, but I just couldn't.

I went to Edward's side and knelt so I would be level with him. His face didn't betray any emotion when he asked "Who are we kidding, Jake?"

I frowned "What do you mean?"

He shook his head softly, "I'm a sick man and you're married. What are we playing at? This is going to come back to bite us."

Hearing his wavering faith in recovery was a harder blow than having my wife come into this. I dropped my bag and fished for my cell phone, "I'm calling my lawyer."

"What?" He asked, looking irritated.

I looked up the relevant contact and called him before whispering, "Having him draft divorce papers."

Edward's eyes widened, and after a pause he sat up and exclaimed, "NO! Wait, Jake, I need to say something!"

Confused, I ended the call and stood up, waiting for him to say his piece. "Look, Jake, I don't want you to throw your marriage away because of me."

I scrambled to kneel on the bed next to him and said softly, "Edward, this isn't only about you. I don't love her; I'm going to divorce her regardless. I'm gay, I don't know how I talked myself into marrying her, but it's just ridiculous."

He didn't look convinced, so I added, "Look, Edward, I love you, and that's all that counts to me. I'll have my lawyer draft the papers, but I'll only notify my wife when all this is over and we can be happy together. That way you don't feel like I'm throwing it all away on a gamble, and I don't get muddled up with things that would only reduce our time together."

Edward smiled timidly, "You've changed. You're grown..." He trailed off, looking away, before refocusing on me, "I feel so selfish, but OK, if you're fine with that, then I'm happy with it too."

I smiled and moved in for a last hug.

I was about to leave for good when Edward grabbed my wrist, "Jake, just so you know... I know you're busy man and all that, and I don't expect much, so please don't feel any kind of guilt because you can't be here often or whatever, 'k? I still have your number, so I'll text you mine, and maybe we can... call each other... from time to time?"

"I'll come here whenever I've got some time. I love you." Despite knowing that his words wouldn't change anything to the guilt I'd feel if I couldn't see him often enough, they were still a blessing. As I was leaving I simply wondered how often I could call him without getting on his nerves!

* * *

Chapter 14 next Tuesday


	14. An Easy Start

**14. An Easy Start**

Overall, time went by quite slowly after that first weekend. Whenever I wasn't with Edward time would tick away at an excruciatingly slow pace. When I was with him I always wondered if I had missed a couple of hours by arriving late.

I tried to spend as much time as possible with Edward, but I also had to be careful about not being too transparent with Bella, and I couldn't suddenly forget I was CEO. I was usually able to spend two afternoons each week with him, as well as the entire weekend. I generally had to deal with a very angry Bella whenever I got back on Sunday night, but I had gotten so good at ignoring her over the years that it didn't really bother me – besides, it was really worth it.

Edward started with the treatment on the Monday right after I had left the first time around. It'd come as something of a shock when I had seen him even paler than usual that week and he had told me he'd started the program. I had somehow imagined I would be by his side or whatnot, but I guess that was not realistic. Besides, with these things, the earlier you start the better.

I have to admit that I wasn't _entirely_ certain I had convinced him. Sure, he had collared me and had seemed OK to start the treatment, but that didn't mean he'd have the required mental disposition. Also, the last minute crisis when I had left had made me doubt his resolve and the soundness of my idea. All this to say; I was incredibly happy when I found out he was already on the treatment.

Edward had developed the flu-like symptoms the doc had talked about, but after that he had been his usual self. To be honest, most times it was quite impossible to tell he had a tumour.

Sometimes it became apparent though. He was more tired than usual, and on some nights or mornings it would show; he'd wake up with blood-injected eyes or doze off around seven. No matter how much he tried to hide it, the treatment was obviously taking its toll.

I wasn't too clear on what exactly the treatment was. Ed had tried to explain, but he hadn't been able to resist going into the molecular detail of it all and I had ended up more confused than ever. From what I understood, they were feeding him a virus carrying a radioactive isotope, which somehow would go to the tumour and slowly destroy it.

Since this all was a trial, the doc didn't want Edward to start any other treatment before he had a clear picture of how efficient the virus was. As a result, Edward had about two months eating small pills containing the virus every day before anything else could be done. The docs were hoping that a simple operation with some light radiotherapy would be enough to destroy the rest of the tumour. Finally, if all worked out, Ed would have to be checked every month for a re-growth for the five following years. But we weren't quite there yet….

* * *

When I got to the clinic that Saturday, though, Edward was worse off than usual. He was still in bed, sleeping, when I silently let myself in shortly before noon. I could see bags forming under his eyes where he lay, and his whole face was pulled into a frown.

Making as little noise as possible, I whipped my laptop out and got to work. I knew Edward needed all the rest he could get, and even if it gave us less time, I didn't really care. Simply being there, sitting at the table, watching over as he slept was enough to fill me with that absolute peace that always came to me being around him.

My only wish was that he wasn't so alone all the time. Sure, we called each other almost every single day, but that wasn't the same thing.

He stirred in bed, and I couldn't help but smile fondly at the sight of him. He stretched carefully, before rubbing his eyes and opening them slowly.

He grinned lazily at the sight of me, and like every time it happened, I knew. This was IT, he was _the one_.

"Hey," I said softly, closing my laptop.

He stretched again, giving a low groan, before clearing his throat and grunting a tired, "Hello."

I stood up and toed my shoes off before creeping into bed and lying down over the cover next to him. "How are you feeling?"

"Better now you're here." I fully intended to call him on his deflection, right until he moved in for a gentle good-morning kiss.

"How have _you_ been?" He asked.

"Alright, I guess... just wish I could be here more often is all."

He shook his head, "You know, I don't understand how you can get away with coming over here every single weekend. I'm very happy to have what we have."

I frowned, "What do you mean? I do whatever the fuck I want when I don't work."

He chuckled before saying huskily, "Sometimes, I think that I'm the only one who remembers you're married, you naughty boy."

If he hadn't been mentioning Bella in the same sentence, my cock would probably have gotten hard. "Well, you were the one who said I shouldn't divorce." I pointed out.

He hummed, "Yeah... but if I ever get out of here, you're _mine_."

"Mmh... I like the sound of that!" This time my cock woke up, and I could already feel it straining in my boxers. I pressed myself onto him and rubbed my crotch slowly into his, marvelling at the feeling.

He groaned, "Jake, I'm too tired for sex..."

I'm ashamed to say that I acted more like a bitch in heat than anything else, whining, "Please... I've thought about this... about you... all week." I kissed him a few times, breaking up my monologue while I brought our groins together. I could feel his hard cock against mine, despite the quilt between us. I wasn't afraid of playing dirty to get his cock in me.

He growled, "You think I'm going to risk humiliation by drilling into you until my thighs burn so badly I have to stop?" The picture was so ridiculous I laughed, making him chuckle self-deprecatingly in turn.

It wasn't long before I was grinding myself into him again, "How about I ride you? Wouldn't you want to see me sitting on you? All sweaty and hard just for you... my cock jumping each time I fuck myself on yours..." I trailed off, letting the words sink in.

He slowly reached into my pants and boxers to grab my hard cock. He gave a few sloppy tugs, making me throw my head back with a guttural moan, "This is what you want, Jake?"

"Go-od... ple-ease!" I exclaimed, clenching my fists trying to avoid jumping onto Edward.

"Strip for me, handsome."

His hand slid out of my boxers, and I couldn't sit up quickly enough, trying to get rid of my annoying shirt. I popped a few buttons before deciding it would take too long and lifting it over my head, throwing it away carelessly. I slid my pants and boxers under my ass, sat down and lifted my legs to get rid of them entirely.

Edward came out from under the quilt, only in PJ bottoms, which he slid down his legs quickly. He took his member in hand and gave a few firm pumps, making me want to reach for my own cock. Just as I did though, he said, "Uh huh, no touching yourself."

I groaned in frustration and lunged out of bed to get the lube and condoms from my bag. Panting, I scrambled back onto the bed, tossing the items to Edward. He wasted no time protecting his cock, but he tossed the lube back. "Prepare yourself, I want to watch."

Mind overcome with a haze of lust, I straddled his thighs before straining forward with my hips and parting my legs wide. I brushed onto my cock and reached my itching asshole. Edward always liked to take his sweet time preparing me, teasing me to hell, so it was a blessing to be able to ram my finger in.

A second one quickly joined the first and I scissored them apart, forcing my muscles to make room for what was to come. Edward kept on a flow of curses such as 'Fuck that's hot' all the while idly jerking himself.

I didn't want to bother with a third finger and it was a relief when Edward exclaimed, "Take a seat, gorgeous!"

I settled down on all fours and crawled to him slowly. I applied a liberal amount of lube to his cock and straddled him. I raised my ass and seized his cock, directing it towards my pulsating hole. Carefully I slid down onto it, staring intently at Edward while I did.

When I reached the warm and sweaty thighs I let my head droop to Edward's chest, taking the time to get used to the feeling. I felt him press a delicate kiss onto my hair and his hands reached for my sides, stroking the muscles there.

I looked up at him just as I slid up his cock and let out a long moan at the incredible sensation. His warm member was grazing my prostate and stroking my muscles from the insides.

"Fuck, Jake, move faster!" He said in a tight voice, probably trying to stop himself from taking control.

I rammed myself back down onto him and exclaimed, "Fu-uck! Yes!" My hard cock was jutting happily and Edward reached for it to my utmost pleasure.

I knew I wasn't going to last long; a week of sexual frustration was driving me over the edge before I had even started with the main course. I started riding Edward for all I was worth while he tugged at my cock with jerky movements.

"Jake... so hot... fuck yourself on that cock!" He ground out, his voice making me tingle all over.

"God! Feels so good," I answered, arching my back when my balls started to tighten under the root of my hard member.

His hand on me slowed down. "Nnng! Make me cum! Please!" I pleaded, making up by fucking myself even harder onto him. One of my hands was on his thigh and I was leaning back, jumping up and down as fast as I possibly could.

Edward waited an eternity before taking my cock in his fist and jerking me with fast, firm movements. "Come on Jake, cum for me!"

I let out a long "Fu-uck!" as I felt my balls release the white substance which sprayed all over Edward and his fist.

I felt his cock in me pulsate and it wasn't long before he joined me with a loud groan.

Edward went limp on the bed, but I had to admit that I was ready for a round 2; it seemed I would have to wait.

I climbed off him but before I could get a towel he growled, "Lick all this mess up!" Guess round two was on!

* * *

Things slowly changed after that. Edward seemed worse every time I'd visit, but neither of us spoke up about it. There was some tacit agreement to enjoy the time we had and deal with whatever came our way whenever it came our way.

Not that I wasn't worried, because I was, but I knew very well that there was absolutely nothing I could do. The _best_ I could do was make things easier for Edward, and spend as much time with him as possible – and that was exactly what I intended to do.

Everything was arranged business-wise, I was poised to take a long leave if it came to that, and someone was there to step in. I slowly reduced my working hours as I groomed the VP that would fill in. Lying to Bella was deceptively easy; I only had to invoke work and she'd make it very clear that she wasn't interested.

Sometimes I caught myself wondering what the hell I was doing. I would wonder if I should get off the fence, choose Edward, the company or Bella. Not that I felt bad about cheating on my wife and so forth; as far as I was concerned, it was over and done with. Really, I was simply waiting for a better occasion to announce the divorce. My attorney had drafted the papers and they only awaited my signature.

No, the only part that had me tossing and turning at night was the following: Why the hell didn't I spend every waking minute with Edward? No matter what I'd said, I knew how this could end.

They say that you regret the stuff you didn't do more than the stuff you did. Would I end up regretting not being there with him much more often?

On the other hand, I was loathed to give everything my dad had built over decades into someone else's hands. It really was the last thing that remained of him, like a small piece of him that followed me everywhere I went. What would he say if he saw me now, cheating on my wife with none other than Edward, a man?

He'd never objected to my dating Edward who had been some kind of second more successful son. He'd never objected to Edward's blatant homosexuality, but I'd always put that on the fact that Edward wasn't his flesh and blood.

I, on the other hand, was.

Dad had never really accepted that his son was gay. I think, after I married Bella, he passed it off as some kind of temporary phase.

Would I ever be able to rid myself of the feeling that Dad turned in his grave every time I lusted for a man? I was starting to wonder if I would have to let Dad go to be _really_ able to accept who I was – gay and proud.

All of which brings me back to Edward. Did he deserve more than I was giving him? Guess only time would tell. For the time being we were making the best of things.

* * *

Chapter 15 on the 19th


End file.
